day 4

This might be one of the most difficult days of my year. I feel so emotionally down. My morning started slightly grumpy already, not having warm water is one thing, once you start having cold bucket showers for weeks you'll start to really appreciate your warm cozy showers, but not having ANY water is another. The pump has a problem. Honestly, since we have been in PNG every town had no electricity, its funny how in europe and other places people are so worried about blackouts always (which I get, our society runs on electricity which here it doesn't), but its literally a constant state in this country and people just live with it. The last time I showered was yesterday morning, and I just really wanted to wash myself. There was also not really any river near by that l could really use, so that's that. I got over it and we had the wedding celebration start around noon, which we were invited too. I knew there would be an animal sacrifice, and I only could imagine how heavily it will hit me, and like I predicted, the experience was intense. I have never seen a bigger animal than an insect die. I wasn't even there when they started hitting them with a big stick on their head, but I knew it started, as I heard the screams. So I walked over, I saw many women cry and moan over this pig they raised for three years, since it was a little baby. I started crying. I saw blood on the floor, blood on its head. Daniel, my friend, told me not to see it if he was me. I started crying more. Women around were sharing my pain. I had to leave. Some people also got really drunk at the wedding and started what I interpreted as laughing at me, which made me a little mad. I walked down a little path in a forest to be just with mother nature. She never makes me feel alone. I am crying as I'm writing this to you. I still feel pain. As I continue to walk away, the screams of the suffering pig who just wouldnt die after several times of hitting it's head with a stick, and the mourns of women watching it all, 2 women follow me down the path. They were able to give me a little empathy and held my hand, saying that no one is laughing at me, they are crying, and feeling sad too. The pig was their friend. Yet I'm sitting here at 8pm and just wish someone would have come up to me and hugged me. Not even Daniel did. I'm very much / physical touch person, also with my friends, but it just isn't our dynamic. He also doesn't share the same pain as I do when I witness such suffering, and I feel like he has a hard time feeling empathy with me. Maybe I am wrong, but at least he doesn't show it towards me. Good thing that I'm a strong girl who has learned t hold her little self. If traveling solo has taught me anything all these years, it definitely is not to rely on anyone but myself in the end. Maybe I am also a bit hyperindependent as a result, but I need to be. Because in the end, all I have is me. I eventually returned to the wedding scene for maybe 5 minutes, the killing was done, and the bleeding animals were laying on the floor. Then, the negotiations started between the bride's and husband's side about how much money the bride deserves and how the wedding celebration will continue. It took quite a while and I eventually left the scnene, but don't worry, you'll see reels on this, I documented it all. So I can explain to you guys too how a traditional wedding works:) I went to the room and eventually just laid down in bed and cried again, some healing music helped me. The time difference didn't make it any easier as all my favorite people were alseep. Just an hour ago I was able to text with my good friend Lou, she is always able to comfort me. I love her so much. The shitty internet due to the rain (rainy season has officially started and I can feel it) makes my internet worse and besides, if you buy data here, companies limit your usage between 6pm to 8pm which means I can't really call bc otherwise it will suck out my internet for the rest of the night. And she is that type of friend that IF we call, hours usually pass feeling like minutes. You have friends like that? She just always somehow manages to make me feel seen and I can be myself around her in however state I am in. I am SO excited to celebrate new years with her, we have barely gotten to spend any time together.

The rest of my afternoon I spent cuddled up in bed, I actually took a 2 hour nap which did me good, I was just exhausted after all that. I also got a separate room from Daniel, just because I felt like I needed my own space. Feeling a lot better now, listening to music, doing my handstands, dancing, grounding myself.

Whilst I totally understand that it is their tradition, I don't see reason in causing such suffering to another living being that feels pain. I will not try to stop their tradition, change it or anything like that, I am the one traveling their country and getting to have some insight into their culture and lives, however, I would be lying if being exposed to something like that doesn't strongly shape my values and overall me as a person. This experience is something I will never forget.

Today is one of those days that make me feel so ready to go home soon. I think now more than ever, probably due to the combination of being physically touch deprived (which usually I am not on my trips as I told you me and my friends looove to cuddle), feeling so far from everyone not even so much because of distance but also because i can't even call, and experiencing such sadness and grief today.

But through all this hardship I also know it's just part of the journey, and a sad day is not a sad life, I know tomorrow I will already wake up feeling way better. Writing to you guys honestly helps me too. It makes me feel less alone and somehow, sharing helps. Wether you eat meat or not, I'm sure most people can understand the pain and hardship I felt as I watched these pigs die. Have you ever seen an animal die? If so, how did it make you feel?