Data, Please! (Star Trek TNG) 001

The image of Commander Tebok shimmered on the Enterprise’s viewscreen, his hawkish features framed by the sharp lines of a Romulan warbird’s command chamber. His tone was sharp, calculated, each word a blade meant to cut.

“Do not insult me with Federation lies, Picard.” Tebok spat. “Your starship has crossed into the Neutral Zone to plunder what is not yours. Do you think the Romulan Empire so blind? So weak?”

From his chair at Picard’s right, Riker leaned forward, his voice low and firm. “That’s not true. The Enterprise has not crossed the line. Our sensors place us squarely in Federation space. Perhaps it is your vessel that strays where it shouldn’t.”

Tebok’s eyes narrowed, the faintest of smiles tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Bold words for a Federation first officer who trembles at the thought of war.”

Before Picard could reply, Worf’s voice cut through the tension like the growl of a predator. “Captain.” He barked from the tactical starion. “Their weapons are powering up. They are charging their disruptors.” His hand hovered near the console, aching for an excuse to open fire. “We must act. Now.”

Picard sat rigid in the command chair, hands resting on the armrests, his expression was carefully neutral though his heart beat ever faster at the tense exchange. The bridge was heavy with silence, the air thick with the possibility of battle. Every eye was on him, waiting for the decision that would decide whether today became the first day of another war.

He drew in a slow breath, his gaze locked on Tebok’s sneering face across the screen. Diplomacy balanced against annihilation on the edge of a knife. And yet, beneath the weight of command, a curious thought pressed unbidden into his mind.

‘Where has Data gone?’

Looking to his left, Picard glanced at his trusted confidant, to see what introspection she might offer. 

The bridge lights glowed cold and steady, though the atmosphere felt anything but calm. Counselor Troi’s quiet voice reached Picard from his left, each word was said in a quiet, yet serious tone. 

“Captain…he isn’t bluffing.” She said, her eyes were fixed on Tebok’s image as she spoke. “Commander Tebok believes what he’s saying. He truly thinks the Federation has raided their colonies.”

Picard’s brow furrowed. If Tebok was convinced of false intelligence, then this confrontation had the potential to spiral far beyond a mere squabble over crossing a ‘line on a map.’ 

Before he could answer, the ensign at the comms stiffened. “Captain! Strange energy readings coming from engineering. Subspace variance is spiking.”

Picard’s hand slapped his communicator. “Picard to La Forge. What in blazes is going on down there?”

Geordi’s voice crackled through, urgent and defensive. “It’s not me, Captain! Data’s been working on a project with the subspace relay network. Something’s…spiraled out of control. I can’t shut it down.”

The deck lurched violently beneath their feet, consoles flashing with warning lights. Officers staggered, Riker catching himself against the railing while Worf braced with a growl. The ship’s bulk groaned under invisible stress.

“Shots off the portside bow, Captain!” Worf's both informed, and implicitly asked for permission. 

“Red alert. Battlestations. Prepare torpedoes, Mr. Warf, but do not act until I give the command.” Picard hastily ordered. 

“Sir!” Worf complied. 

On the screen, Tebok leaned forward like a hawk scenting weakness. “Enough!” His voice thundered across the bridge. “You play your Federation games while your ship falls apart. Lower your shields now, Picard, and prepare to be boarded. We will search your database, and discover what the Federation has done!”

The Romulan’s words carried the certainty of someone who expected no refusal.

Picard rose from his chair, smoothing the front of his uniform, every second was precious. Diplomacy and de-escalation were critical. “Commander.” He said evenly. “Such a decision cannot be made lightly. If you would allow me but a moment-”

The Romulan warbird shot another beam off the Enterprises side, hitting her shields with a glancing blow.

“Shield integrity at 85%. They are preparing for another attack.” Worf declared. 

Riker glanced at Picard, to which Picard could only withhold a sigh. It appeared he would have to act. “Mr. Warf, phasers at maximum, full power atta-” 

Data strode onto the bridge, face calm, eyes sharp with intent. “That will not be necessary, Captain.” He said, his voice cut through the tension like a hot knife through butter. 

Every head turned, and Picard held up his hand, belaying that order. Should Data's next words prove unsatisfactory, Worf would be given the permission to act that he so desperately craved. 

Picard’s eyes narrowed as he faced his second officer. “Mr. Data.” He said, his voice low and clipped. “An explanation. Now.”

Data clasped his hands behind his back, standing with serene composure amidst the fear and chaos that gripped the bridge crew. “While Commander Tebok has engaged in verbal hostilities, I have taken the liberty of penetrating his ship’s primary computer core. Their security protocols were…sophisticated, but flawed. With your authorization, Captain, I can render their disruptors and propulsion offline in a matter of seconds.”

Riker’s head snapped toward him. “You hacked their ship?”

“Correct, Commander.” Data replied, tilting his head. “They left me little alternative.”

Across the screen, Tebok bristled, his eyes widening. “Federation treachery! You dare admit such-” His words cut off as the Enterprise shuddered violently, a fresh volley from the warbird rattling through its shields. Sparks spat from a rear console; crew scrambled to their stations.

Worf growled. “Shields down to seventy percent. Captain, we cannot withstand sustained fire!”

Picard hesitated only a heartbeat. The weight of diplomacy, of war and peace, pressed heavy on his shoulders. But the next strike shook the bridge again, causing his console to consoles flicker. His jaw tightened, and he had made his decision. 

He turned to Data, his voice steady, his decision made. “Make it so.”

Data nodded once, his fingers already dancing across the nearest console.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the warbird’s command deck, the sleek green glow of Romulan consoles died in unison. Displays flickered once, then went black. Officers barked frantic reports, hands racing over useless controls. A sudden, jaunty melody cut through the silence, rising from every comm speaker, every terminal.

“Never going to give you up, never going to let you down~.”

The tune looped, unnervingly cheerful, its rhythm wholly alien to the stern halls of the Romulan Empire. Tebok’s face went ashen, then flushed crimson as the chorus repeated, filling the air. His crew shifted uneasily, unable to silence it.

“Enough!” He roared, slamming his fists against the dead console. Tebok snapped his gaze back to the one system that still functioned, the shimmering display to the Enterprise's bridge. “Picard! Release us from this…this torture at once!”

On the Enterprise’s bridge, Picard stood tall, his voice carrying the calm steel of command laced with smug satisfaction. “Commander Tebok, let this be a reminder. The Federation is not a toothless lion to be trampled at your leisure. We roar when provoked.”

Tebok’s eyes blazed, his jaw tightening. “You will pay for this humiliation, Picard. You and your crew will suffer for every second of this, this mockery!”

Picard’s expression barely shifted, though a flicker of dry amusement danced in his eyes. “Perhaps an hour of this…song will help you cool down. Until then, Commander.”

With a flick of his hand, he cut the transmission.

The bridge of the Enterprise fell silent, save for the faint hum of systems stabilizing, and the unspoken relief of a crew who knew their captain had seized the moment with both wit and authority.

Picard pulled down on his uniform, then signaled for his officers to follow him. 

The senior staff then gathered in the observation lounge, the vast emptiness of space slid past long windows as the Enterprise cruised on a steady course. As the tension of the encounter had worn off, the various officers felt a mixture of relief, unease, and no small amount of amusement at Data’s antics. 

Riker leaned back in his chair, grinning broadly. “I’ve got to hand it to you, Data. That was brilliant. The Romulans will be hearing that song in their nightmares for months. I almost wish I’d thought of it myself.”

Across the table, Troi’s brow furrowed. “I’m not so sure we should be laughing. Tebok believed the Federation was responsible for a raid. Humiliating him in front of his crew may only escalate things further. He’ll want payback.”

Worf crossed his arms with a growl. “This was not an honorable victory. A Klingon would prefer the clash of disruptors and the test of steel.” He paused, then allowed a rare flicker of amusement to dance across his typically stern countenance. “But…the look of terror on the Romulan commander’s face was…satisfactory.”

Geordi chuckled and shook his head, turning toward Data. “Okay, Data, you’ve got to tell me, how exactly did you pull that off? Their systems are some of the toughest in the quadrant. What kind of back door did you find?”

Data folded his hands neatly on the table. “It was not, technically, a back door, Commander. Rather, an exploitable redundancy in their comms array allowed me to project a recursive audio subroutine. I selected the song for its repetitive structure and difficulty to ignore.”

Geordi laughed. “Difficulty to ignore? That’s an understatement.”

The officers’ voices overlapped with jokes, questions, and worries, the conversation was alive with the joy of being alive, and averting a war. 

At the head of the table, Picard leaned back in his chair, silent, his face half-covered by one hand. He listened to his officers with a mixture of pride, exasperation, and no small amount of dread.

‘Good Lord, Data.’ He thought wearily to himself. ‘What have you gotten us into this time?’

~~~~~~~~~

AN: This is a semi comedy where Data does ridiculous things to save the day/solve the dilemma. It doesn't necessarily follow any linear plot, and is episodic. If you guys like this, I'll see if I can release more chapters.