Chapter 16: It’s nice to feel Wanted

Jebediah Trapper

Est. Level 140-170

Class: Mystic Trapsmith

Abilities: Mystic Trigger, Unknown, Unknown

Est. Body 40-60

Est. Myst 100-170

Est. Nerve 8-15

Wanted alive for questioning in regards to the outbreak of undead in the capital. No reward for death.

Reward: 5000 Gold Marks for capture, 100 Gold Marks for information leading to capture.

“Hah, jokes on them, I’m only level forty-one.” Jeb muttered. It felt pretty good to be overestimated, but on the other hand, that mean they would come at him wayharder. Honestly, he might have preferred to be treated like a scrub.

“Check out the estimated Nerve score.” Borg said, pointing to the line.

“Are they calling me stupid!?” Jeb demanded.

“I think they’re calling you stupid,” Borg said, nodding.

Still, the rest of the estimated stats were fairly accurate, which was probably why they assumed he was level one seventy. Or perhaps people in the know knew how he got most of his stats, but weren’t interested in letting the public know there was a way to bypass the leveling system.

Several ways, actually.

Jeb eyeballed his reward. It was the rough equivalent of a cool five mil for catching him, and a hundred grand for information leading to his capture.

The separate rewards helped incentivize average citizens who might otherwise take one look at his stats and have their balls recede into their torso. A huge purse just for anonymous snitching was hard to turn down.

“Well, at least they want me alive,” Jeb said. That was good news, and if he’d seen that wanted poster first, he might not have run away so quickly.

“I wonder if I should get a cool scar or something,” Jeb mused, inspecting the portrait of himself. It was magically produced, and therefore nearly picture-perfect, despite being a sketch.

However, Jeb’s face wasn’t…particularly unique. He had short cropped hair, bit of a strong brow, dead-eyed stare of a killer, and one eye perpetually slightly more open than the other. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t bad either.

Boney Pete was so much cooler looking with the bones in his hair and the horns. What do I got?

There wasn’t anything in particular about his poster that stuck with people.

Meh.

Jeb rolled up the Wanted poster and stuck it in his pocket.

Maybe once this cluster was over he could do Vresh a favor and get ‘captured’ by her. Jeb wasn’t sure if she would be depressed or happy to gouge the emperor for an amount greater than her father’s unpaid ransom.

Then again, going into middle adulthood, Jeb had realized it was possible to feel more than one thing at a time.

“Okay, so I got derailed from my life plans to rescue a girl named Casey for the what…third time?” Jeb asked aloud, counting the times on his fingers.

Starting to detect a pattern. I better get tons of saves from Casey the third when I’m old and senile.

This time though, it wasn’t the older Casey in danger, it was the younger one, who was ostensibly in the hands of the emperor’s daycare.

Except the emperor and the palace were both locked up tighter than a nun’s…rectory.

So the primary problem here is that there was a ton of damage inside the palace, they shut their doors, and Casey 2 isn’t being let inside to interact with Casey 3, and there’s no news coming out one way or another.

Who would know what went down in the palace? That would at least give me a place to start working at.

Jeb snapped his fingers.

“Smartass.”

Jeb reached inside and plucked the connection he felt in the back of his mind, oriented on it, and set off in search of his familiar. Piwaki briefly wanted Jeb to leave him where they were, until Jeb pointed out Casey’s message about undead literally stalking the streets.

As well as the obvious lack of foot traffic and sound.

It was as if everyone in the city had holed themselves up in their homes.

You could hear a pin drop, and feel the sub-aural hum of the nearby skyscrapers splitting the wind hundreds of feet above.

Jeb ducked his head out of the alley and searched the sky for a moment before they walked out onto the street, casual as you please.

“Where are we going?” Piwaki asked, placing himself between Jeb and Borg, protecting himself on two sides from sudden attack as his long neck twitched this way and that, scanning the lifeless streets.

“Smartass.” Jeb repeated.

“Oh, your fairy? Is she in trouble?”

Jeb checked the connection. Smartass was tired, a little scared, hungry, and exhausted, but didn’t seem to be in immediate danger.

“She’s gonna be.” Unlike the Empire, Jeb had a pretty good idea of who exactly was responsible for the current state of affairs. He wasn’t interested in revealing that information though, since they’d probably try to kill her for doing what a fairy does: Acting without thinking.

That didn’t mean the Jeb wasn’t going to think of some creative punishment after the situation had resolved itself.

***Smartass***

So tired, so hungry. Smartass peeked out from her smelly cardboard box, eyes narrowed as she scanned the alleyway. Quiet. Dead. It seemed like the coast was clear, but you could never be certain. Not with those creatures.

The first week had been…not easy, but at least the restaurants were still throwing scraps in back alleys, and for someone as small as her, it was almost like a feast. She just had to compete with the other homeless people for it. Especially her rival, Jeks.

Until she didn’t.

Smartass should have put it together when suddenly the competition for scraps vanished, and she was left alone to feast on the scraps of meat and pasta and sauce and even a few sweets.

She should have understood that they wouldn’t suddenly stop showing up to the place where they could get a free meal unless something was really, really, wrong, but she was just so hungry, she didn’t even give it a second thought at first.

Those three days when the undead preyed solely on the homeless were what she liked to think of as the fattening days. When society at large was still largely unaware of the cancer growing under the city, and she was able to gorge herself on scraps.

But then the regular citizens started disappearing in the night, and the restaurants closed down. People got paranoid. A lone Fairy was no longer trusted.

Well, she wasn’t trusted per se. People had a tendency to shoo her, chase her around with brooms and rolled up newspapers, and occasionally clubs.

But nowadays people just went straight for the clubs. The drop in foot traffic also made it hard to disappear into the diverse crowd and avoid attention that way.

Which meant searching for food was not only harder, it was also scarcer, and more dangerous.

Smartass lowered the box’s lid and sank back into her pile of grimy blankets, reaching into her pocket and counting out her emergency jelly beans.

Six jelly beans left. I wish I had some vegetables, meat or cheese or something instead.

Smartass gasped, her eyes widening at the scandalous thought.

What is WRONG with me? She thought, curling into a ball and staring at the blank wall of her hiding spot, where a bit of light leaked through the edge. Another few hours to go until nighttime, then she could go scrounge up some food. Break into one of the boarded up restaurants and maybe eat some flour, or something.

It was honestly safer for her to sneak around at night with the undead than it was to walk around the streets in broad daylight.

The undead didn’t seem interested in eating her, actually. Like the weird skeleton bird had said, she smelled like metal and poison.

Ugh. Why does being scared and hungry also have to be boring? Am I not being punished enough? She wondered.

She probably wasn’t, if she was honest with herself.

A lot of people had died because she thought she knew better than Jeb.

Thinking about Jeb made her guts hurt in a way she didn’t like. Like, on multiple levels. She felt guilty and lonely and self-conscious and…so many things! He made her feel so bad, and yet the only thing she wanted to do was find him and be around him.

WHY!? That makes no sense. It wasn’t like she wanted to feel bad. It just made her do weird things.

Stupid rich Kitri and his stupid plan that got everyone hurt. Unsurprisingly, no one had gotten back to her about removing the bomb threatening to kill Jeb. They’d been too busy trying not to get eaten by the undead she’d let loose.

Smartass was interrupted from her brooding by a knock on the lid of her box.

She froze. Maybe if I stay very still, they’ll pass me by.

Then a familiar voice spoke.

“C’mon, Smartass, I can feel you in there.”

***Jeb***

“Gods!” Piwaki stumbled backwards in alarm as the box exploded outward, a two-foot terror leaping onto Jeb’s face.

“You’re back, you’re back, you’re back!” Smartass shouted, hugging his head.

“That I am,” Jeb said, carefully trying to detach her with a wince. “You smell awful.”

“That may be true, but I’m not letting go!” Smartass said, locking her wrists behind his neck. “I’m not letting you leave me behind again!”

“As I seem to recall, someone snuck off on their own to do something while I talked to the emperor. It was more a matter of you wandering off than me leaving you behind. Would you like to tell me what you were doing?”

“No.”

“Well, too bad,” Jeb said, “What did you do while I was in the audience chamber?”

Smartass groaned for a moment before the Familiar Deal forced her to act. She was bound to follow any reasonable commands, and simply sharing what she did wrong was definitely reasonable.

“I planted a purple disc-thing in the east wing of the palace.” She said, shifting her stance so her arms were locked around his neck and she was hiding from his sight behind his back.

“And whydid you do that?” Jeb asked, already suspecting the answer.

“Because that guy who sent us the letter said he could help get the bomb out.” She admitted.

Jeb rubbed his throbbing temple.

“You’re grounded.”

“NOooooo!” She screamed, her voice waning as she ran out of air to shout into his ear.

“Yes. Assuming we live through this, no candy for a month.”

Piwaki blinked.

“That’s it? The creature unleashed an undead apocalypse on my home, and that’s all you’re going to do?”

“Nooooo!” Smartass moaned piteously, staggering back and forth, clutching her face. Her apparent dismay seemed to mollify Piwaki somewhat.

“I want you to keep in mind that my fairy was trick by some rich Kitri into planting that bomb. I would direct your attention toward the one who orchestrated this. She orchestrates…”

Jeb glanced back down at the moaning fairy, who was dragging her hands down her face and stretching out her cheeks and eyelids.

“She orchestrates very little.”

Piwaki leaned down and waved in front of Smartass’s face to get her attention.

“Excuse me, creature, do you know who gave you the bomb that disabled the Myst wards in the palace?”

“Some bird guy.” Smartass shrugged, momentarily forgetting about her existential sorrow.

“Did he give you a name?”

“no.”

“What did he look like?”

“Like a bird.”

Piwaki seemed to be getting frustrated, if the tension in his long neck was anything to go by. “Any specific details about him?”

“He seemed kinda young, I think. It’s hard to tell with your people’s wrinkly hands. Wore fancy clothes.”

Piwaki sighed, rubbing the bridge of his beak.

“Oh wait. He said his sister was a Damsel in the emperor’s harem.”

Piwaki’s eyes shot open.

“I know exactly who did it.”

“Really?”

Piwaki nodded. “Not too many young men out there whose sisters are in the imperial harem. I even remember we threw her a going away party at the academy after she got her Class.”

“Joining the imperial harem is…a good thing?” Jeb asked, thinking of scantily clad dancing girls working for little to no pay.

“You get to be one of perhaps a dozen or so people with unrestricted access to the emperor’s ear. They basically work as a group to steer the emperor’s policy decisions a bit like…the crew of a sailboat.

Jeb revised his mental image to a bunch of scantily clad sailors.

“And the emperor knows this?” Jeb asked.

Piwaki shrugged. “A bit of back seat driving is a small price to pay for power that rivals a demigod.”

Smartass drew in a breath through her teeth.

“It might not…be quite so godlike right now.”

Piwaki and Jeb turned to look at her.

“Why?” Jeb asked.

“Well, all but one of those damsels got turned into an undead damsel then ran off with the emperor’s skeleton dad who he was hiding under the east wing of the palace.”

“Keensha bra gosh!” Piwaki barked, looming over Smartass’s cowering form. “You don’t tell ANYONE else that!”

“Hey, don’t tell my fairy what to do.” Jeb stepped between the two, before glancing back down at Smartass. “But yeah, please don’t tell anyone else that. it sounds like a secret that might get people killed.”

“Roger!” Smartass said, saluting.

“Did umm…Casey the third get killed or kidnapped?” Jeb asked. Jeb absolutely did not want to allow the only baby he had delivered to wind up dead. It was the principle of the thing.

“I didn’t see her when I was breaking out of the palace,” Smartass said with a shrug.

Jeb frowned and began to mull over the information he had access to, trying to decide on a plan.

The emperor was after him because he needed a scapegoat for the current situation. It couldn’t be the emperor’s fault, because that was bad publicity. Even if keeping an undead under the palace did kinda make it the emperor’s fault.

Then should I go after the undead? No, I don’t know where they are. Should I go after Casey or her daughter? Don’t know where they are.

The guy who tricked Smartass into planting the bomb? No I can’t do anything with him, he’s not the current problem. The current problem is that I’m Wanted by the emperor, the undead are running wild, and there doesn’t seem to be much being done about it.

I wish I could just go talk with the emperor and straighten everything out.

Jeb’s eyes widened as he settled on a course of action.

He needed better information, and access to Casey 3, which meant access to the emperor. How would he get access to the emperor without being detained? By giving the man a better person to blame than Jeb.

He didn’t know where the undead or Casey were, but he knew a guy who knew where the fop with the spellbomb was.

“Who is the guy who gave Smartass that bomb, and where can I find him?” Jeb asked, directing his gaze at Piwaki.

***Kolusk Jezzeti***

“Two weeks before we sell his stuff is plenty of time. Piwaki is obviously dead. I mean, he even wrote it in his will,” Kolusk said, holding out the document in question.

His incredibly fat friend scanned the legally binding document before peering up at him, her eyes narrowed, smoke leaking from her nostrils as she snorted.

“You obviously wrote that yourself, you boney bastard.”

“….yeah…I’m just coping. I’m bummed I didn’t hit the portal in time,” Kolusk said. doing a belly flop onto marble in the emperor’s court had been more than a little embarrassing. If only he’d been a tiny bit quicker on the uptake. If his Nerve was higher, he probably would’ve been able to jump into the portal in time.

They had been watching in the stands, egging each other to heckle Piwaki in front of his uncle, when the magical lighting had died, and the portal had opened under Piwaki and the rando he’d been forced to valet for.

“You’re so dumb. Why would you want to jump into a portal to the unknown like that?”

Kolusk thumbed his chest. “Daredevil.”

“Right. At least I’ve got some sense, unlike present company.”

“You’re just jealous you didn’t even think to follow Vresh through the portal. You could be braving the unknown together with her right now, sleeping in the wilderness, holding each other to keep warm at night…”

“Ach, screw you. Vresh will be fine, though,” Jeresh said, clutching her fat hands together and staring wistfully at the ceiling. “She’s so badass and spicy. The absolute best Enforcer ever. I’m totally gonna be her concubine when I get out of the Academy. That’s my life’s goal.”

“Does that life goal…interfere with your inheriting the will of your grandmother?” Kolusk asked with a raised brow.

“Eh…” Jeresh waggled her hand. “I’m sure I can find some wiggle room there. My gramma’s got a pretty open mind. My official role can be envoy to the Tekalis family.”

“Riiight.” Kolusk said, nodding as he put another one of Piwaki’s knick-knacks in the box. He wasn’t actually going to sell them. He was just boxing them up to ship them to Piwaki’s mother. With the fear and uncertainty going through the city, and the lockdown imposed on the academy, nobody had taken the time to officially gather up the lost kitri’s effects and return them to his family.

Kolusk felt that it had to be done.

He picked up one of Piwaki’s human books of medicine, shaking his head at the dog-eared pages that seemed to fill the entire book. Piwaki always complained about how hard his father forced him to work, and yet he never realized how hard he worked himselfwhen it was something he was passionate about:

Making money.

“I’m gonna miss that greedy, pompous little –“

BOOOM!!!!

An explosion rocked the academy and shattered the window of their third-floor dorm room. Kolusk nearly lost his feet as the building swayed under them, and Jeresh fell onto her fat bottom.

“What in Vresh’s name was that?” Jeresh cried, scrambling on her hands and knees toward the windowsill, the glass flowing out of her way as she crawled. Kolusk leaned over and peered out the window beside her, unable to see anything but a plume of smoke that gradually cleared to reveal several figures in the courtyard: A kitri and two humans, dragging another kitri out of the first floor dormitory by the scruff of his neck. This was not a comfortable position, given the delicate nature of kitri necks.

Kolusk’s eyes widened as he recognized the Kitri and the human with the metallic attachments. It was Piwaki! And that weird undead cyborg! And the other guy…

“Gods-be-damned!” Kolusk cried, leaping out the third-floor window. “Opportunity knocks!” He’d missed the call to adventure the first time, and learned a painful lesson: Always jump in without thinking.

“Wait, you idiot!” Jeresh’s words vanished into the wind as he fell.