Tier Restructuring + the Future

Those of you who are on my discord server have already know I've been thinking about quitting art entirely lately, due to a combination of AI related woes that have discouraged me from sharing anything, and deep rooted personal issues no therapist or drug has been able to disentangle. Long story short: I don't enjoy drawing anymore. I've lost the joy. It's become a tiresome, anxious chore devoid of pleasure. An erotic artist that can't engage with their own erotic sensibilities is bound to be useless. I work non-creative jobs that I'm disgruntled with already, and art was meant to be the 'good' one I looked forward to after delivering chicken wings to icy slick apartment complexes in sub zero temperatures. Now it's just another rat race I feel obligated to run between every other rat race.

From past experience, however, I know it's not so simple to just 'quit' art. Drawing has been a daily habit of mine for ten years, so even though I've hated drawing for the past few months, it's inevitable I'll end up doing it out of compulsion. I can't just quit. But I can try to declutter.

I've decided to go ahead with restructuring (or rather, downscaling) in an attempt to preserve my sanity. I'm not keen on going full on nuclear "delete it all" just yet, but something needs to change. So here's what's going to happen next:

-The discord server is going away. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's one more thing for me to fret about in a life full of fretting. Truthfully, I'm not a very social person, though I try to be. There's never been any drama over it, but it's the *feeling* of needing to check it, maintain it, and interact with patrons that bothers me. I'm too reclusive for that. It's not for me. I'll keep patrons updated (assuming there's any left) the old fashioned way: carrier pigeons. That means messages and e-mails delivered to your inbox (sorry about the poop.)

-Tier 3 (Happy Hobos) will be effectively merged into Tier 2 (Terrific Tramps.) Tier 3 will no longer have WIP continuation votes or ideas as perks. If you're on Tier 2 already, nothing will change, except for the loss of the discord. Those of you on Tier 3 might want to downgrade to Tier 2 now, especially if you subscribed to them to vote in polls or interact by floating me ideas, because those are stopping permanently this month.  

-Tier 3 will be renamed 'Helpful Hobos' and remain as a bonus tier with no unique rewards. Those of you who want to give me an extra dollar a month can stay subscribed to it for whatever reason, but there won't be any perks exclusive to it. It'll be the same as Tier 2. It's just a way to give me extra support for generosity's sake. Or pity. Pity is good, too.

-Most importantly: my posting schedule will now be entirely up to my discretion. You'll see my art when I feel it's ready to be seen. I already post quite infrequently compared to other artists, and there's a number of reasons for this. The main reason is that I like detail and refinement. I obsess and pick over things like a creepy dentist and will redraw, repaint and remake a drawing as many times as it takes to get it the way *I* want it to be. This slow, patient way of working is what makes art enjoyable for me, but it's something that puts me in conflict with monthly deadlines. Since starting subscriptions, this deadline always results in a decrease in quality and restricts my creative freedom. These three things -- a slow unpressured pace, quality and freedom -- are the tentpoles of what makes drawing enjoyable for me. A monthly deadline sabotages all three.

For example, I had to rush Prisoner, At the Office, Pod, Breeding Rack, Treatment Tank, Girlstock, Bitch Binder, and Inspection out before I felt they were ready. I delivered some of them late, yet even then, I posted them because I felt obligated to, not because I wanted to. There was more I had in mind. I envisioned Prisoner with two additional panels: one showing the heroine being lowered into the cell, and another showing a wider angle shot of the room with hundreds of similar cells and an overseer walking between them. This would've taken another week, and I was in the red for time. Although the image set was successful, I flinched when a comment on pixiv pointed out that I had skipped the money shot: that of the prisoner being lowered into her cell. I completely agreed with them, yet, there was nothing I could do to change this. I was more disappointed about this than they probably were.

Treatment Tank similarly was meant to have a second image set within it, showing our heroine during her submersion in the tank. I had planned to draw her in a variety of humiliating poses as her bindings twisted and stretched her, as written in the text, as I felt it would be quite kinky to see this part of her training. It would've taken a week of daily work if not longer to do correctly, yet I feel it would've added a lot of erotic energy to the whole set. Its absence continues to bug me, and although I've received good feedback on that set, it's hard to shake the feeling that those who like it would've liked it even *more* if I had been free to work on it for as long as I wanted to.

Being perpetually dissatisfied with my own work already, this extra dose of discontent has made me crazier than usual. I despise deadlines, not because I don't respect others' time, but because it's my unsatisfied needs, my unsatisfied desires, not anyone else's, that are going to torment me when I die. Prisoner has nearly 8,000 favorites on pixiv. Treatment Tank has nearly 5,000. I think this is great, and I'm happy I could make so many blackened hearts pound and constricted capillaries widen. Unfortunately, the one favorite that I was really looking for, the one that matters most -- my own -- isn't there. All because I imposed a time limit on myself to fit in with everybody else. I wanted to match the rhythm of other creators who, for whatever reason, simply don't operate the way I do. If I force myself to dance to that rhythm, I won't be dancing my dance -- and that's what you came here to see, no?

Because I hemorrhage patrons when I don't deliver a piece on time, it creates a negative feedback loop where I feel pressured to draw, and less inclined to draw due to said pressure. I've lost about 100 dollars of monthly income this year across my accounts, with the biggest losses following delays. But this stress has also made me realize that, while I am grateful for the income (and I do need it,) trying to maintain a certain level of growth is a lose-lose game when it comes to my particular rhythm of creation. If I have to sacrifice something to keep drawing, I'll sacrifice the extra income. I'd rather weather the disappointment of others than be blown away by my own. If that means stripping down patreon and subscribestar to the barebones necessities, distancing myself from discord, removing the expectation of voting, doing away with a traditional release schedule, and living on life support, so be it. If that means I'm destined to only have a handful of committed patrons at any particular time, I'm content, and to those of you in this category, thank you for putting up with my methods and madness. I'm glad you appreciate the time and effort I put into making this kind of debauchery.

At the end of the day, I'm doing this to make myself and other people *feel good.* I'm not going to be making anyone feel good if I try to keep promises I was never made to keep and burn out. It's going to be my beat, my pattern, my orbit, from here on out. Sometimes it might be just one piece a month with a few sketches on the side. Other times it might be two or three single pieces. Other times it might be a huge image set after two months of silence. Sometimes, maybe there won't be anything at all but a random sketch on a napkin of a ballgagged anime girl at a boring 3/4 angle. But in the long run, it'll at least be something rather than nothing. But most importantly, it'll be something I'm actually happy to share with you. 

Serious business, this hentai thing.