Naruto: Freeloading is Great! 2 [34]

A plain… cluttered office. Papers scattered across the desk, ash from cigarettes that hadn’t been swept in ages on the floor.

“Garbage heap?”

Fresh from unconsciousness, Hoshino had barely voiced his first impression of the place—

—Clang!

A smoking pipe slammed onto his head.

“It’s the Hokage’s office! You little troublemaker, do you know how long you’ve been out? Do you know how big a mistake you’ve made? Because of you, I still haven’t gone off duty!”

The Third’s voice. Right—he remembered now. He’d run into ANBU.

“Uh… you can leave work before sunset? Being Hokage is that easy?”

“Easy? At my age I should’ve retired long ago, and you dare tell me it’s easy!?”

As if Hoshino had hit some switch, the Third began grumbling non-stop.

“My life should’ve been: mornings at home teasing my grandson, afternoons pressuring my son to marry, evenings sipping tea in the courtyard, nights at the kabuki for some fun… But no, my useless student’s student and three ungrateful disciples dumped this whole mess on an old man like me to clean up! How are their actions any different from leeching off your parents!?”

Useless. Second time meeting and nothing had changed—this guy really was a washed-up old man.

Whatever. None of his business. But there was one important question he had to ask…

“Excuse me, Hokage-sama! This kabuki you mentioned—what inn in our village offers it? Do you have any recommendations for a lovely inn? I want to go too!”

“You’re just a kid who hasn’t even finished developing—what’s the point of you going?”

“You—You’re a shriveled man whose ‘thing’ doesn’t even work and you still go. Why can’t I go, when in a few years mine will work?”

“Mm, true enough, I have indeed… Hey! You little brat, how dare you talk like that!”

After barking at Hoshino, the Third coughed twice, realizing the topic had gone astray, and finally turned to business.

“According to a reliable source—an unnamed teacher named Iruka—you seem to have plans to kill the Nine-Tails jinchūriki… the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox. What do you have to say for yourself?”

…Unnamed teacher Iruka?

Damn. He knew it. Not a single one of those school teachers could be trusted. Snitching to the village head, really!

Whether plotting to kill the Fourth’s son or to release the Nine-Tails, either one was a major crime.

Handle this wrong and he was finished.

“I want to say… uh… say… it’s a misunder—misunderstanding! Why would I kill Naruto? We’re good friends! Those words were just me tricking Iruka!”

“You guessed it was Iruka who tattled!? Clever brat… But cleverness won’t help you! Why can’t a friend be stabbed in the back? From the moment you started approaching Naruto, I already suspected you. Speak! Which village sent you as a spy?”

Hoshino stared blankly at the old man interrogating him.

Clever? You literally told me it was Iruka who ratted.

Also, who would send a memory-less infant to an enemy village as a spy? Was this guy senile?

…No. Don’t think about that now. Staying alive mattered most.

Whether attempted murder of the Fourth’s orphan or plotting to unleash the Nine-Tails, in the Third’s eyes both were capital crimes. At best, decades in prison.

And between decades in prison picking up soap and becoming a real gaylord, or…

“Hokage-sama, I swear I’ve never had a single thought of harming Naruto… Actually—actually Naruto and I aren’t just good friends. We share an unspeakable secret! Every night I press him beneath me, strip off his clothes, and grope his chest—we… we’re actually that kind of relationship! Tell me, would someone like me ever want to kill him!?”

Better to pretend to be a fake gaylord. Hoshino was now loudly “pleading his case.”

“Huh? You two have already developed to that point!?”

“Yes! If you don’t believe me, you can send someone to ask Naruto right now. Not a single word I’ve said is a lie!”

The Third was so shocked he couldn’t speak—he saw no trace of falsehood in Hoshino’s eyes.

He knew kids matured early these days, but this early?

If it were true, then…

“Looks like I’ll have to keep an eye on Konohamaru from now on… Oh right. Brat, you can go. On your way home I’ll send someone to question Naruto. If it’s true, you’ll count as one of our Hokage faction’s people. If you run into serious trouble, come find me.”

Eh? This old man’s attitude—just like Fugaku’s, just like Hiashi’s.

Sure, the outcome of muddling through was great, but why did he look like he was trying to set up an engagement for his student’s grandchild?

Was this what it meant—he’d accidentally wedged himself between three major powers: Uchiha, Hyūga, and Hokage?

W-what the hell!

So he wasn’t going to walk sideways at all—he’d have to tuck his tail and survive without leaning too hard on any side.

Why was this happening? Why was every person in this world trying to push him into BL?

If he didn’t know the Uchiha would be wiped out in a few years, and that the Third would keel over during the Chūnin Exams, Hoshino might already have broken down and started crying right here.

On the surface he looked like he was pleasing all three sides, but if he got too close to one, the other two would see him as a traitorous scumbag and then assassinate him, poison him, stab him, rob-kill him—kill him every which way.

Heh… heh-heh… His passive skill really was [Misfortune].

...

And he had naively thought pie was falling from the sky—turns out it was a trap.

He couldn’t get too close to Sasuke or Naruto or Hinata, and even more couldn’t get close to any other female brats.

Ah-ha… hahaha… Waste, waste… The best chance to escape singledom, squandered in his student days.

Believing he’d spend the rest of his life with only his own two hands for company, Hoshino drifted back to his doghouse. Just as he pushed the door open, Naruto came running out.

“Hoshino! Guess what, just now an ANBU guy came and asked me a weird question. He’s still—wahh! Wh-why are you choking me… did I do something wrong?”

“It’s your fault. All your fault… If not for you—if not for you, I could’ve peacefully thrown myself on the Hyūga clan, become a pampered little prince of soft rice. But—but… now this pie has turned into a trap. No matter how I think, it’s all your fault—!!”

“…hh… can’t breathe… can’t… breathe…”

Thud!

Hoshino’s aching neck was struck once again, and he fell into unconsciousness.

It was the ANBU who had been questioning Naruto earlier. Although Naruto hadn’t answered his questions, from his expression and reaction he’d determined that Hoshino indeed had no intent to harm Naruto.

And yet, before the ANBU could leave, Hoshino had staged a live “murder” right in front of him.

“Bold of you—to dare attempt to kill my master’s… to kill Naruto-chan right in front of me.”

“Uh… One-Eyed ANBU-san, where are you taking Hoshino?”

“Taking him to the Hokage’s office. Then sending him to prison.”

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This is a fan translation of 火影之软饭真好吃 by 肾亏能力者 All rights to the original work belong to the creator. Please support them by exploring their original work or sharing it with others if you can. Thank you for reading and supporting my efforts to bring this story to a wider audience!