Cuck Talk (#11 - Confusing Feelings)

I’m groggy from the night before, my head is pounding. How much did I drink when we got back home? The threesome was so much fun, she’s stunning, and we all had great chemistry together. But it was the muffled mouth sounds and movement of the mattress that woke me up a moment ago. We fell asleep with her in the middle, cuddled up together. And now she’s over there with him.

For some reason I don’t want to alert them that I’m awake. What time is it? 7? 8? We were up fucking until 4 in the morning. Between the hangover and the horrible taste in my mouth, sex is the last thing on my mind. If this was a tv drama I would sit up abruptly and yell “what the hell are you doing?” If it was a porno I would join them. But it’s real life. And I don’t have the energy for either. And I’m not sure what to do. What if I just go back to sleep?

There are wet sounds now, she’s breathing faster. It’s kind of fucked that they would do this without checking in, isn’t it? Am I just being sensitive? They think I’m asleep. I’m sure that makes it hotter for them. They’re obviously trying to be quiet and not wake me. Who started it? Him? Or her? Probably him. But maybe I’m wrong…

What am I gonna say later? “I know you guys fooled around...” And I just froze paralyzed and said nothing? Just lay there listening, pretending to sleep? That doesn’t make sense. If I had a problem with it I would say something, right? So what am I doing? They’re changing positions now, I’m sure it’s so his dick can be involved. I can hear them holding their breath and trying to be quiet, a muffled giggle. Conspirators, how cute. How are they gonna do this with me right here? What do I do?

It feels like an hour but it could have been just a few minutes. I can hear them both breathing hard, the mattress has a gentle rhythmic shake. I think I’ve been holding my breath. I can’t handle this. I have no plan I just need to get out of here. I can’t listen to them cum. I can’t listen to them kiss after, as if it’s quiet and they actually got away with something. I yawn and stretch slowly, my eyes still closed. I can feel them freeze, caught, like rabbits. They pull away from each other, I sit up and pretend I didn’t see.

“Woah, I don’t feel so great, I’m gonna hop in the shower. God, how much did we drink last night?” My back is to them but I know how guilty their faces would be if I turned around, not because they felt bad, but because they were wondering if they got caught. I don’t turn around, I grab my housecoat and tie it quickly before escaping, and closing the bathroom door behind me.

I turn on the fan and collapse on the floor, trying to catch my breath. My heart is pounding. I feel that sting in my eyes like I’m about to cry but I don’t want them to hear me. I stay for a moment, crumpled in a ball, are they going to come check on me? Of course they’re gonna come check on me. I didn’t even say hi, I just bailed. They must know something was wrong. I listen for footsteps… nothing. Quiet.

You know why.

They’re fucking. Finishing what they started. I’m sure of it. What else are they doing? They certainly aren’t worried about me. And now I’m out of the way. What am I doing on the floor? Am I listening through the door? This is fucked. And kinda sick. Pull yourself together.

I put the shower on warm, the steam starts rolling quickly. I disrobe and step in, the water feels so good on my skin. I touch my own naked body. I’m upset but I’m also turned on. I can’t stop picturing them fucking in my bed, in sheets still warm from my body. Smiling over breakfast because they have a secret. Was I in their way last night? Was I a third wheel? I thought we were all having a good time. Maybe they didn’t want me there. Maybe it was awkward and they didn’t want to tell me. Maybe now they were finally getting what they really wanted.

Has it been long enough? Are they finished yet? I don’t want to ruin their fun. It’s not benevolence, I just know the feeling you get when you’re all worked up and someone jams that up. Irritation? Resentment? Not the right words, but irked is close. I can’t stomach the idea of them feeling that way about me. I’d rather they feel like they got away with something than turn sour on me. I can handle this hurt. I can swallow it.

I wonder how much they hesitated, how much they fought the urge. I find myself touching my clit as the water trickles down my face, the warmth washes over me. I’m so wet, and a little achy. Was there a moment where they acknowledged me sleeping beside them? Where she whispered, “what about Heart? Is this okay with her?” Did he brush it off, or maybe reassure her? Did it take convincing? I’m rubbing myself and I kinda want to cry. Maybe they both wanted it so bad I wasn’t even considered. It’s a confusing orgasm, standing alone in the shower, knowing that when I’m done I’ll wrap myself in a towel, and step back into the room,

and we’ll all pretend this never happened.

💀🫠💀🫠💀🫠💀🫠💀🫠💀🫠💀🫠💀

There’s a lot to unpack here so I’m gonna be blunt: I was a lot younger when this happened, and this was at the beginning of my kinky journey, when I didn’t understand how it was all supposed to work. I was trying to be a team player, good giving and game ya know? A cool girl! But it’s super fucked! And shitty and dishonest!

AND (this part is the grossest) this was the first of many *identical* mornings after hot sex with wonderful women we knew. I loved threesomes, and we were attending events for poly folks who love group sex, it was generally good times! But every time this sneaky quiet fooling around would play out the morning after, and every time I didn’t know how to react, and I wouldn’t say anything. And neither would they! It was weird because I genuinely had no issue with them fucking, any of them. If they’d asked I would have said yes! But they didn’t fucking ask, they all just did it. Quietly. Thinking it was behind my back. And that felt… complicated.

Complicated because it turned me on, but I wished it wasn’t all a secret. At the same time, I didn’t feel like I could say anything without seeming crazy or irrational. (Which says a lot about how I was treated in this relationship, clearly.) I imagined telling him “this is the third time you’ve done this” and then having to explain why I didn’t say anything. Three times. How could I explain? The whole thing was wild.

Luckily I figured out the answer was to stop having sex with this man! And stop being in a relationship with him altogether! Yay for growth! Yay for learning to respect yourself, and the other people you bring into your bed. I also figured out around this time that drinking wasn’t for me! (Knowing yourself is fantastic.)

But here’s the good thing; after these experiences I learned on Tumblr that these confusing feelings have a name, and a whooooole lot of enthusiasts, and thus my cucky little sniffling showers made a little more sense. I also learned about safe kink play, and healthy BDSM relationships. I learned how important it was to advocate for yourself, and play with people you can trust. I learned about how others get off on the same kind of things, and with consent we can reeeeeeeally poke at these sore spots. And since then I’ve been able to make safe scenes with safe people where I get to play with all of these hot-as-fuck overwhelming feelings, without anyone having to lie or get hurt.

I’ve heard other masochists tell similar stories, learning about risk-aware consensual kink changes things; you can ask for what you want, you feel safer, there’s less fear of judgment, you know there’s a safe-word or exit strategy, you can negotiate aftercare, and make time to talk through desires or tough feelings. It’s a safe framework for a potentially dangerous thing.

With this framework I’ve been able to keep playing out the parts that felt electric and kinky that morning, without the toxic dishonesty, without the resentment. Like with most kinks, it all started somewhere. Somewhere pretty confusing for a young bunny.

🔥✨🔥✨🔥✨🔥✨🔥✨🔥✨🔥✨🔥

“Are you sure you don’t want to join us, bunny?”

“I’m sure,” I said, and I meant it. “I’m so sleepy,” I was already tucked into bed, but they were making out and the hitachi was close by. “But can I ask for something weird?” My voice sounded small all of a sudden but they both giggled.

“You can ask for anything you like, weirdo,” she leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. Her breath was warm. Her smell was so comforting. I could hardly keep my eyes open.

“Can you guys pretend that I’m sleeping and you have to try not to wake me up?” I felt sheepish for asking, but I didn’t need to. They’ve both asked me for much stranger things, and I loved them for it.

It’s a good feeling, knowing your delicate desires are safe.

They liked this game, I could tell from how fast they came, and before long both of them were cuddled up next to me dozing off too. All 3 of us with happy grins.

For weeks afterwards I humped my hitachi to the sound of their muffled grunts and my girlfriend whispering “shhh, quiet, you’ll wake her up”.