Heart

Divorce Feelings

Added 2022-05-31 04:45:22 +0000 UTC

I think about your new girl and the nicknames you give her, so close to the silly ones you saved for me. So quick to build something so special, a swift replacement. I’m sour but I shouldn’t be, I know nothing about her, really. A few details here and there.

I wonder what captivates you, what draws you to her. I bet she’s got perfect teeth. I bet she doesn’t interrupt. I bet she always has the right shoes for every outfit. It hurts to think about you adoring her quirks, it’s like pushing on a bruise. Instead I wonder what irks you. Does she laugh too loud? Does she take pictures of her food for Instagram? Does she pronounce milk like “melk” in that way that drives you crazy?

Probably not. She’s probably easy to love. She’s probably gentle. Does she scratch the back of your neck the way you like? Does she have a pretty voice?

I miss singing with you, impressing you with my ear and my cadence. I miss hearing your fingers pluck guitar strings until you get it just right. I miss impromptu concerts in our living room with the sun pouring in the front window.

Now I’m not sure where you are. Or where she sits when you play guitar. (Please say it’s not at your feet, that’s still my spot somehow, in spite of all of this.)

It’s hard to be nostalgic about you, it doesn’t come easy. Most days I’m doing freedom dances and gratitude journals, thankful for all the space our lives have now. Thankful for the relief from all of the ways it hurt. But sometimes, when it’s late and it’s quiet I miss my wing man. I can stitch together good memories, like talking about the kids and our day while you give me a world class foot-rub. I can remember your smile and your strong hands, but it’s a fiction. An echo I’ve painted from memory.

Those light moments were so hard to find near the end. You were hard to find near the end. So it’s strange now, waiting for you to text me back, knowing someone else has found you.