Fate's Wild Card Ch.16 (Released)

"Okay, clearly I'm missing something," Pryce says, crossing his arms and studying her face carefully. "And you obviously want to tell me, so hit me with it. What exactly did I do besides bruise your ego?"

Once more Weiss tries to speak but fails, opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water. She takes several big, shuddering breaths, her face turning progressively redder with each attempt, which only confuses him more. However, since that clearly isn't getting anywhere, she suddenly slaps both her cheeks hard and shouts at the top of her lungs:

"I'M PREGNANT!"

"..."

"..."

Pryce blinks once.

Then twice.

And a third time as his brain completely stops working for several seconds, like someone just unplugged it and forgot to turn it back on. The words hang in the air between them like a bomb that hasn't quite exploded yet.

Meanwhile, the crazy Atlesian girl quickly slams both hands over her mouth, her eyes wide with absolute horror, probably because she just shouted those words loud enough that someone must have heard them.

"Uh... what?" Pryce manages to say, his voice cracking like a pubescent teenager. "What?! YOU WHAT?!"

Weiss frantically makes hushing gestures with her hands, desperately trying to quiet him as she spins around to check their surroundings, making sure no curious students are lurking nearby to overhear this insane conversation.

That outburst is enough for Pryce's brain to finally reboot, and street-smart logic kicks in hard.

He knows with absolute certainty that this is literally fucking impossible. The Atlesian princess couldn't be pregnant from a simple kiss. That's not how any of this works. It doesn't even make a microscopic amount of sense!

Even as a street-raised orphan with minimal formal education, he knows that basic biological fact. Hell, even Neo taught him about contraceptives since she uses them as they always go raw.

So there's absolutely no way a rich, pampered girl like Weiss, who was raised with a silver spoon, wouldn't know something so stupidly simple as sex.

"You're fucking with me…" he deadpans.

His words cause Weiss's face to undergo a dramatic transformation as it twists into an offended frown, her hands dropping to her sides and clenching into fists. "Excuse me?!"

"Yeah, you're definitely fucking with me. Or maybe this is some elaborate revenge prank to get back at me for yesterday?" Pryce shakes his head in disbelief. "Because if it is, that was terrible. Like, really, really bad. A kid could do better."

"This is absolutely serious and very much real, you ruffian!" Weiss snaps, her voice rising with indignation. "I expected at least that much—for you to take this seriously! This is my life and my entire future we're talking about here!"

What about him>

And why is she raising her voice again? Somebody will hear them and that will put them in such a big misunderstanding, especially with the asshole of Ozpin.

He quickly checks both sides again, making placating gestures with both hands, trying to calm her down before she attracts unwanted attention which she seems to have forgotten since she brought him to this isolated place. "Hey, don't go screaming about this stuff. Look, I just kissed you. That's it. Just a simple kiss. People don't get—"

"And that's exactly the problem!" Weiss interrupts, stomping her heel hard enough to lightly crack the pavement. "It was my FIRST kiss, you absolute idiot! You fiend! You brute! Do you have any idea of what you've done?!"

"Yeah, yeah, the first kiss has to be special and romantic and all that fairy tale romantic bullshit," Pryce says dismissively, waving his hand. "Taking you out for dinner, buying you cute gifts or whatever rich people do. But that doesn't mean—"

"NO, you imbecile!" Weiss practically shrieks, causing him to flinch and his ears to flatten against his head. "I knew that you people don't receive a proper education, but by the gods, I didn't believe it could be this catastrophically inadequate!"

Pryce digs at his sensitive ears, wincing from her volume. Glancing to his still empty sides he cannot help but be shocked that nobody is coming to investigate all this shouting by now. But that doesn't change the fact that Weiss actually believes she is pregnant because they kissed.

But before he can even begin to try to correct that stupid thinking, Weiss clears her throat dramatically and straightens her posture.

"Allow me to educate you about basic reproductive biology, you uncultured street-rat."

"Oi!" 

"A maiden's first kiss is the most sacred and important moment in a young woman's life," Weiss begins with unwavering confidence. "When a pure maiden receives her first kiss, she becomes blessed by the God of Light himself, and a mystical signal is sent across the ethereal planes to summon the sacred Stork of Light. The stork then flies into the endless expanse to collect a baby from the celestial gardens where precious soul-seeds take root and flourish under divine care. The stork gently cradles the precious bundle in its beak for exactly nine months before bringing it to the maternity ward closest to the maiden, where the baby is ready to be born into the world and join their new family."

What?

Pryce can only blink in stunned silence, his face slowly twisting into an expression of absolute horror as he processes what Weiss just told him with complete seriousness.

He's not feeling horror at the supposed pregnancy—he's feeling horror that there's actually someone in this world who genuinely believes that's where babies come from. Someone who's supposed to be educated.

He literally doesn't have words to respond to that level of... whatever this is.

And Weiss takes his speechlessness as confirmation that he finally understands the gravity of the situation. So she nods with satisfaction. "Good, I'm glad you finally understand our predicament."

Then she suddenly moves forward and grabs him by the collar, pulling him down to her eye level and he just lets her because he was still stunned. "Now we need to get to Vale's Maternity Ward as soon as possible to cancel the delivery of the baby, or we won't be able to stop the process! And most importantly, we must keep this as absolutely quiet as possible to prevent any news from leaking!"

She releases his collar and steps back, her face pales a little. "Because if my father hears about this, especially that I’m carrying a… questionable person’s baby." 

‘This bitch…’

That seems to be too much for Pryce's sanity to handle as he finally snaps back to reality.

"Okay, okay, TIME OUT!" he shouts, making a T-shape with his hands. "Just... stop. Everything. Right now."

Weiss snaps her head around, looking at him with a deeply furrowed brow.

"Look," Pryce says, taking a deep breath and dragging a hand down his face in exasperation, "that's not how any of this works. Like, at all. Babies don't come from stupid kisses, they don't come from magical storks, and they definitely don't come from some mystical fairy tale bullshit that belongs in a children's book."

Weiss raises an eyebrow, her expression shifting to one of condescending confusion mixed with obvious pity for his ‘’’’’ignorance’’’’. "Oh really? And how exactly do you think reproduction works, you uncouth brute?"

"The normal way!" Pryce snaps, gesturing frantically with both hands. "You know, sex? Fucking each other? Making love? Get laid? Raw dogging? Creampie?"

The rich girl only tilts her head like a confused puppy, causing him to groan in despair.

"Okay, let me try another thing…" he tries desperately, scratching his head. "Have you ever seen two dogs mounting each other? Or cats? Or any animals during mating season?"

"WHAT?!" Weiss gasps, her face turning a new shade of red as she staggers backward like he just struck her across the face. "How DARE you compare me—a refined lady of noble birth—to some filthy animal! That's absolutely disgusting! That's revolting beyond words! That's... that's what mindless beasts do in the wild! Humans are civilized, sophisticated beings, not primitive creatures who engage in such vulgar slapping of bodies together! Even I know that Faunus aren't degraded to that level of barbarism!"

"You can't be serious..." Pryce feels his shoulders drop in complete defeat as the reality sinks in.

"I will absolutely NOT listen to such vulgarity and depravity!" Weiss cuts him off sharply, raising her hand like she's stopping traffic. "The very suggestion that civilized humans would engage in such... such absolutely animalistic behavior is preposterous beyond belief! We are cultured beings with dignity and grace, not feral creatures rutting in the dirt like common livestock!"

Pryce grits his teeth, yanking hard on his long bunny ears in sheer frustration, ignoring the sharp pain as this conversation spirals into complete madness. His ears stretch uncomfortably under the stress, and he can feel his patience wearing dangerously thin.

Then suddenly, an idea strikes him. The last sliver of hope.

"Okay, fine," he says, releasing his ears and trying once more. "Let me ask you, have you ever actually seen pregnant women before?"

Weiss blinks, clearly not expecting that particular question. "Yes, of course I have. Our household staff have been pregnant over the years. What could that possibly have to do with anything?"

"And you noticed how they look different, right?" Pryce continues, choosing his words very carefully. "How their stomachs get progressively bigger over those nine months?"

"Obviously," Weiss says with an impatient sigh and a dismissive wave. "Everyone with functioning eyes can observe that."

Okay, that's at least something to work with.

"Right, so here's the thing." Pryce sighs in relief, thinking he's finally made a breakthrough. "The reason their stomachs get bigger is that there's actually a baby growing inside them. The whole nine months thing? That's exactly how long it takes for the baby to develop from conception to birth. That's why pregnant women look fat."

It's such a basic explanation that anyone should be able to understand.

Weiss stares at him for a long, silent moment, her expression completely unreadable as she seems to be processing what his words. Her blue eyes seem to be calculating something behind them, giving him hope that maybe, finally, logic is breaking through that skull of hers.

Alas, that hope is immediately crushed.

She bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

Not just a polite chuckle or an amused giggle, but full-blown, tears-streaming-down-her-face, doubled-over laughter that echoes off the surrounding walls. She laughs so hard she has to grip her stomach and wipe actual tears from her eyes.

"Oh my gods…" she gasps between fits of hysterical laughter, "that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my entire life! Despite being such a ruffian, you actually have quite the imagination! I never expected you to be so funny!"

"What?" Pryce's jaw hangs open as he watches his hope die a slow and agonizing death.

"Oh, that's hilarious!" Weiss continues, still giggling as she daintily wipes her eyes with an embroidered handkerchief pulled from her pocket. "Babies growing inside people; like some kind of grotesque parasite! What's next? Are you going to tell me that people hatch from giant eggs?"

"Then how do you explain—" 

"The reason pregnant women gain weight is obviously because they need more food," Weiss raises a hand to stop him from talking. "It's essential preparation for when the blessed stork delivers the baby to them. They need to accumulate at least two full years' worth of food and nutrient reserves so they can properly breastfeed and nourish the child. That's exactly why they regain their original figure afterward—they've completely used up all that feeding their precious baby. It's elementary biology!"

Pryce chokes on his saliva as stares at her in horror, then slowly brings his hand to his mouth and bites down hard on his knuckle to keep himself from screaming.

"Okay, different question," he tries again, his voice strained. "Where exactly do you think babies come from before the stork allegedly picks them up?"

"From the Celestial Gardens, I’ve already told you," Weiss replies, rolling her eyes. "They grow on the Tree of Souls like beautiful fruit until they're perfectly ripe and ready for delivery. The God of Light tends to them personally, ensuring each soul-seed develops properly before the stork can collect them."

"That's..." Pryce takes a deep breath. "Okay, what about the father? What role do you think the father plays in this whole process?"

"The father?" Weiss looks genuinely puzzled. "Well, he provides the kiss, obviously. The purity and strength of the kiss determines the quality of the signal sent to summon the stork. That's why it's so important for a maiden to save her first kiss for someone worthy. A weak or impure kiss might summon a lesser stork, resulting in a sickly or poorly behaved child."

The fuck?

"But what about—" 

"And naturally," Weiss continues, ignoring him entirely, "the father must also prepare financially for the stork's arrival. Storks require payment for their divine services—usually in the form of expensive gifts left on windowsills. The more valuable the offerings, the healthier and more intelligent the delivered baby will be."

Okay that’s classist.

This pompous, completely delusional princess has an elaborate explanation for every point he tries to make. It's like arguing with someone who insists the sky is green and has detailed bullshit theories to explain why everyone else is wrong about it being blue.

Neo was absolutely right to warn him about getting involved with Atlesian bitches. But he never imagined it could be this fucking bad.

"You're impossible…." he mutters through gritted teeth, his ears twitching.

"Excuse me? I'm properly educated," Weiss corrects with obvious pride, adjusting her posture and smoothing a strand of pristine white hair. "Perhaps if you'd received a proper upbringing in civilized society instead of living on the streets, you'd understand these basic facts of life that any cultured person learns in their childhood."

Pryce has a strong urge to bang his head against the nearest wall. Or possibly bang her head against the wall instead.

He's honestly not picky at this point.

"One more try," he raises a finger with the last remnants of his strength. "What do you think happens when two people get married and sleep in the same bed?"

"They share pleasant dreams, obviously," Weiss replies matter-of-factly. "Married couples who sleep together combine their dream energies, which creates a stronger signal for their assigned stork. That's why unmarried people shouldn't share beds—it creates confused signals that might attract the wrong type of stork."

"Wrong type of… stork?" Pryce asks weakly.

"Certainly. There are light storks, and unfortunately, dark storks that bring difficult children."

Pryce slowly slides down the wall until he's sitting on the ground, his head in his hands, wondering how his life led to this moment of absolute insanity and what he should do.

And barely noticed the oncoming steps.

"There you guys are!" Ruby calls out cheerfully. "I had to ask around! Professor Goodwitch just announced room assignments, and all our stuff has been moved to the dorms already! Isn't that exciting? We get to see where we'll be living for the next four years and— Ummm, what are you guys doing?"

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AN: You are going to take responsibility, right?

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