A suspenseful madlibs!

This plays out like a crime drama! Original idea written by Moon, edited by Waves, assisted by Cat.

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"Why does this happen to me?" Jonathan groaned. His (1.) knee shook as he gripped the report written by Alastor. Alastor had called in sick, and the studio manager demanded that Jonathan cover for him. He couldn't help but think this was retaliation for the time he overlooked the tropical storm that hit New Orleans. "'I forecast the weather wrong one time! A meteorologist can't catch a break."

Jonathan (2.) petted thickly; Alastor had terrible handwriting. "What does that say?" Jonathan heard the live broadcast countdown behind him, and he put on the headphones.

For a split second, his (3.) book blanked. He looked down at Alastor's instructions... all illegible. Did he write so sloppily on purpose? Maybe he could improvise, speak about the greased (4.) lace panties during (5.) Halloween, or the newest cars, starting at (6.) 88 dollars. He could chastise Alastor, and reveal the fact that he (7.) cuddled his (8.) tower.

Three... two...one... The director signals.

“Good Afternoon New Orleans-...” his voice broke like a (9.) unicycle. He cleared his throat, but he can't quite gulp the (10.) milk quick enough. “This is Jonathan Harker, I am here in lieu of Alastor Bellivue.” He mispronounced the last name. His eyes screwed shut; he prayed Alastor was not listening - Jonathan would never hear the end of it. “In recent news, this afternoon is the opening day…” he began, but suddenly froze like a deer in (11.) hands. He mentally cursed, and it nearly slipped past his lips.

 He squinted at the script. How does Alastor decipher  this? The director glared at him and was about the cut the signal, but Jonathan improvises. "Good people of (12.) New Orleans, remember, there will be a festival just south of (13.) Shakespeare Square this afternoon, on the banks of the (14). Doberman  River. There'll be all sorts of (15.) preposterous things to do!  Don't forget to buy yourself a (16.) pomegranate and a (17.) foot fetish for your spouse while you're there! Grandparents will love the (18.) hellcats! Be sure to join in at the
(19.) clutching contest, and you could win a (20.) surfboard."


His thoughts were interrupted as the intern rushed in with  a sheet of paper. He scanned it quickly: the Mutilator had struck again, this time over in Uptown, near Alastor's place! The letter, consisting of glued clippings, was expressed with the (21.) radio of a true (22.) library; no regard for anyone other than himself. The language was eloquent, graceful. Something... familiar?

Jonathan spoke quickly to his audience. “News flash! The Mutilator has struck, and he has sent a correspondence. It reads: "Hello, my amusing (23.) demons, it is I, your (24.) lustful (25.) fainting couch, the puppeteer of the city. By the time you read this, there will be a dead (26.) microphone in the Uptown district; what unusual stomping grounds for me! Might as well call off the search, for I outsmart you all, especially the (27.) murders of crows department. Perhaps next time someone with more gumption can identify me. Until next time, friends."

Jonathan found himself sweating. He collapsed in a chair; he needed some giggle water after reading that - too bad Prohibition had banned it. He  stared at the newspaper clippings pasted to the letter - a taunt. He looked at the condescending note from Alastor taped to the desk:

“Remember Jonathan, don't forget to smile!”

Damn it, Alastor.
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(1.  body part) Kat - knee

(2. verb ending in ed) Galaad - petted
(3. noun ) Kat - book
(4. plural noun)  Eki - lace panties
(5. holiday)  Ariana - Halloween
(6. number ) Mushroom - 88
(7. verb ending in ed)  Kat - cuddled
(8. noun) L - tower

(9. noun)  ItsQ -  unicycle
(10. liquid) Khaleesi - milk
(11. plural noun) Spiral - hands

(12. city) Meta - New Orleans
(13. famous person's last name) L - Shakespeare
(14. proper noun) Mushroom - Doberman
(15. adjective) Ariana - preposterous
(16. noun) Doe - pomegranate
(17. noun) Eki  - foot fetish
(18. plural noun) Khaleesi -  hellcats
(19. verb) J - clutch
(20. noun) L - surfboard

(21. noun) Invis - radio
(22. noun) Rue - library

(23. plural noun) Invis - demons
(24. adjective) Deadgrrl - lustful
(25. noun) J - fainting couch
(26. noun) Mell - microphone
(27. plural noun) Mushroom - murder of crows