"V-card" script

Art by: @angyiien and @eyuggchild

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(jaunty ragtime music playing)

...And that, my dear, is how I became the honorary mayor of New Orleans for a week. I was gifted not just the key to the city, but a whole damn key ring, practically!

(Alastor pouring tea and placing cups on saucers fx)

I take offense at your insinuation; of course I'm telling the truth. Why, never will you find a more honest demon in all the nine rings.

(gasp) Me? A bull shitter? Why, I have never been so insulted in all my days! Why on Earth do you think I'm exaggerating?

Nonsense, I merely speak with gusto and confidence, not because I'm attempting to overcompensate and impress. (Alastor stirring spoon in teacup fx)

Be certain, the tales of which I share are factual, be it regarding my professional or personal life.

(Alastor sips tea fx)

What?! (places down cup and saucer fx) What cockamamie crap! Me?! A virgin?! Really now, I was quite easily the most carnally experienced man in all of New Orleans. A Casanova of the South, if you will.

(sips tea fx)

You don't believe me? Well, that's your loss.

'Prove it'? Darling... I do not need to show you proof of a hard fact, because I know the truth.

A deal, you say? I'm listening.

(Alastor sips tea then spits it out in surprise fx)

You want me to WHAT?!

Oh, such colorful descriptives you use!

Hmmm... and if I participate in such an activity, in which I'm most assuredly NOT  novice, what will I get?

You'll stop bugging me about it? Not a very tempting ante....

(Alastor stands from chair fx) Oh fine, I will engage in sexual intercourse with you to lay this discussion to rest. (Listener stands from chair fx) Just prepare yourself, I am a lover unlike any other.

Now, get undressed.

Wh- I have to... sweet talk you? What does that have to do with coitus?

'Set the mood'? Well, yes, I knew that, of cour- of course I knew that! I just thought you wanted to see my pure level of virility.

Sweet talk, huh?

Yes, yes, I know how to navigate such a road!

Um... have you read any good books recently?

That's not doing it for you? Oh, so picky!

Um...the weather has been fair.

What? meteorological occurrences can be romantic.

Um... Clouds look like soft pillows, and a tornado can cause people to grab each other.

What's with that sigh? You seem unimpressed?

(Listener undressing fx) Ah, you're stripping See? My words of l'amour have loosened your garments!

You're taking pity on me? You wish!

(cloth sound fx)

Oh, my heavens... Slap my behind red and call me a crawfish. Your... your body.... (panting)

Of course I've seen nude bodies before!

I... I don't seem very suave? What a silly opinion!

'How many have I bedded'? How many... what?

Ohhhhh! Oh, yes, (cough) yes, yes, something high, like hundre- no, thousands! Yes, thousands of people have had the privilege of exchanging fluids with me! Yes, indeed, I alone put Roman Bacchanals to shame.

I have reaped the spoils of many sexual conquests throughout the worl- what are you doing?! (Listener undressing Alastor fx)

Yes, I can see you're undressing me, but....

Ta-dah! Well, I'm sure you're rendered absolutely speechless by the... massive sight before you. Why, it's akin to gazing at a fine Michelangelo, is it not?

(Listener walks over to bed and lays down fx)

You're getting on the bed, I see, and you want me to join you.... Fine, fine, I will show you why my nickname was the 'Adonis of Louisiana'.

(Alastor walks and gets on bed fx)

All right, let me get on top.

I'm forgetting something? What?

To seduce you?

You're being very nebulous, aren't you?

What do you want first? I- I know what you want - naturally, I know what you want, but uh (cough) I want to take your choices into consideration.

Foreplay?! What the hell is for- I- I mean... I was simply testing you to see if you're too star struck to... to do this right.

Because, gosh golly, I... I want to treat you to my world-class lovemaking... which I know how to do!

You know, I'm completely open to giving you a rain-check.

You 'want the D'? Like vitamin D?

Ooohhhhh! You're certainly straight forward! Does... does your mother know you have such a saucy mouth?

Make you moan? Uh, two cannibals were eating a clown, and one said to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?' Oh, come on, you said you wanted me to make you moan, and what better way than a corny Vaudeville joke?

Whoa, you just opened your legs in front of me! Have you no modesty?

Of- of course I'm up to this! How- how dare you doubt my amorous talents... my well-practiced amorous talents. Well, the joke will be on you soon enough!

'Like a facial'? Dear why are you so wishy-washy (indecisive)? Now you're talking about skin treatments as you lie skyclad (nude) before me!

Steam is exceptionally good at unclogging blemishes.

Just touch you?

Erogenous zones?! (blows raspberry fx) Oh, well of course I know what those are!

Oh, you want me to show you where they're at? Aha, so it is you who is actually clueless!

All right... hold on, patience is a virtue!

Yes, I know where they are!

Around... here? Higher? Oh, yes, yes, see? I know my stuff!

Embarrassing? No, I'm just tired, that's all, and... and I had a busy day!

My honor has been wounded by such an accusation. Just let me mount you to get this silly test over with!

Don't you DARE suggest that! Of course I know where to insert it.

It's somewhere around here...

Aha, there it is! Oh, good god, is that what it really looks like?

I- I mean... let me get in there. Voila! Who's laughing now?

And I thrust like so - (premature orgasm, bed squeaks fx)

There, you're very welcome, I  hope it was good for you.

It was... terrible? But I did it right! I penetrated you and I finished. Isn't that what sex is about?

No, I told you, I'm not a virgin. Well, not anymore. I mean... no...

Maybe I exaggerated having slept with thousands... or, hundreds, it's... It's closer to dozens... dozen... a few....

I just... never made time for that, whether it was because no one struck my fancy, or, or I satisfied myself, I found that to be of lesser priority.

You'll help me?

Cher, I don't need assistance. I... know what I'm doing.

Yes, that's completely right! I've been dead for so long that I... I simply need refresher courses. Yes, that's exactly it.

Will you teach me- refresh me?

Splendid! This will be a hoot!

I will at last learn... what you want. I'll learn what you want. I know what others want, but you are unfamiliar to me!

So, what will we go over first?

Oh, let me get a pen and paper!

Mm hmm.

Oh, I didn't know that... didn't know that others could be so unaware of such basic information.

Could you repeat that?

Hold on, let me write that down!

Oh no, no, these notes aren't for me, they're for Angel, yes, in case he... he ever has any questions about sex. You've seen him, poor thing, he must be a wallflower in bed.

So tell me, what does 'doggy style' mean?

Are you serious, on your hands and knees like an animal? But why would people want to do that? Your thoughts on it?

Uh huh, mm hmm...

Wait... what's a kink?

Oh, my poor ears!

Are you trying to corrupt me? Wait, you want to try these things with me?