"Desk" NSFW subtitles

Art by sinnawii
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Desk

("Charleston Charlie" song ending)

(microphone switch fx)

Alastor: Wasn't that fun? That was the ever-praised "Charleston Charlie", by The Acadians Dance Orchestra. Land alive, I cut many-a rug (danced) to that jingle in my human prime.

Next up, we have a listener request: the "Shreveport Stomp."

Oh, exemplary choice, friend! I actually fraternized quite often with Jellyroll Morton, or, as I called him, Fred. He was the only person who could outshine me at tickling the ivories (playing the piano).

And so many lovely memories in Shreveport! The police were utterly bamboozled when I planted a few bodies up there, just to make the chase more interesting.

But enough of my prattle; here is the Shreveport Stomp. (microphone switch clicks, "Shreveport Stomp" by Jellyroll Morton starts.)

(knocking on door fx, door opens fx; Listener walks towards Alastor fx)

D- Darling, what are you doing in here? I'm in the middle of a broadcast! You can't -

(Listener kisses him fx; he reciprocates)

Oho, that was quite a greeting! But, but seriously, you know these shows are live!

(more kissing fx)

D-Dear... Dear....

(rubbing cloth fx, Alastor groans softly) Giving me a little massage, are you? It seems you have other things in mind.

Oh... it's stretching my pants....

Dear, Dear, we really should wait until afterwards....

The song's nearly over... I have to focus.

Don't give me that look! You know I can't have distractions.

Wh-why are you crawling under my desk? Have you gone bonkers (insane)?

What has prompted such tomfoolery (silliness)?

I assume you're happy now under there.

Blast! I have to make this next announcement.

Fine! Just be quiet!

(zipper fx) Hey!

Darling, Darling you can't not while I'm on the air!

Oh, this is preposterous!

Oh... I see your point.

(general gasps)

W-wasn't that lovely, folks? I-I d-do love a good old-fashioned tune.

And... and...and now we have the weather report for today! Mostly sweltering conditions in the pride Ring. The Northwest sector near the Abyss will... will see a small chance of sulfuric clouds and acid rain.

If you're... if you're heading over to the Wrath Ring, beware of fire tornadoes.

Right there, Dear....

Fire tornadoes...

(slams desk fx)

The remaining - the remaining  five levels of Hell will see calm conditions. So if your location is any of those, you're in for a treat.

And now, a message from our sponsor.

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Gracious, how long is this ad?

(edging) This- this tonic will change your life for the better!

And... and  next up is a song!

("Forty Tight" by the Beale Street Washboard Band starts)

Oh, yes! Suck it, you thirsty spunk guzzler(1920s term)! take it all in your mouth... Gag on it!

Shall I come in you mouth, or do you want a facial? I've heard it's excellent for the skin!

M-make up your mind Dear, hurry!

Rub my my balls! Drain me!

That's it... swallow every last drop.

Open your mouth - let me see...

How obedient you are.

Oh, fuck! The microphone's live!