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"My Journey Through Life: Adolescence" Part 2

Added 2025-03-20 15:00:18 +0000 UTC

Exactly one month after my breakup (with that very red-haired guy—his name Alex), on December 27th (literally a day before my birthday, which made it even sadder 😅), I met my future boyfriend—Andru, the one I would be with for three years. To this day, we’re still on good terms!))

The first six months were tough—we kept breaking up and getting back together. And honestly, teenage years are the worst time for relationships. It’s a time when you should focus on self-development, but let’s be real—who cares about self-improvement at 16 or 17? 🤣 Only later, after working with a psychologist and receiving a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, did I realize that my constant need for relationships was actually one of the symptoms—the fear of being alone. I was looking for emotional support and stability in relationships, the kind of support my parents never gave me. At the time, they felt more like enemies than family.

So, I was in one relationship after another, without a break, until I finally realized what was happening. But that’s a story for another month—a month that was the hardest of my life. To be honest, I still don’t feel strong enough to write about it. My next relationship became the most traumatic experience of my life—filled with pain, violence, and cruelty.

Looking back, I deeply regret that our generation—and the generations before us—never had access to basic emotional education. We weren’t taught why certain things happen to us, how to navigate relationships, or even how to live in general. Instead, our heads were stuffed with useless information that I don’t even remember now because it turned out to be completely impractical in real life.

That’s why I’m glad that today’s kids are being taught about personal boundaries—both their own and others’. Girls are learning how to recognize the early signs of abusers and manipulators, so they don’t end up in situations like the one I’ll tell you about next month.

Our generation learned through trial and error—especially in post-Soviet countries. So if something seems obvious now, trust me, it wasn’t back then. 😅 I made mistakes that I later felt ashamed of, but at the time, I didn’t even understand why I was doing certain things.

I had my fair share of teenage “cheating”—flirting, going on walks, stolen kisses, that kind of thing. And honestly, Andru at the time had been waiting for almost three years because I was an unapproachable woman 🤣. In reality, I was just terrified of my parents—and now, I have the courage to admit that. So sex before 18? Absolutely out of the question.

Until I turned 18, I wasn’t allowed to stay in the same house or apartment as my boyfriends overnight. When we visited Andru's grandmother in the countryside, we either slept in separate rooms or—if we had to be in the same room—one of us slept on the bed while the other slept on the floor with the door open. 😅 Andru on the other hand, wasn’t a virgin before me, so just imagine how much he must have loved me to wait so long 🤣.

Now, let me address the question I’ve been getting for years—yes, my first time was almost at 18! After graduating high school, I spent two months in Crimea with Andru's mom and sister. My gynecologist immediately ratted me out to my mom, and when she found out, she cried 🙈. Yeah… my parents were interesting in many ways, to say the least.

Now, let’s clear up the whole “cheating” thing.

One day, fate somehow brought me and my first boyfriend back together - with Alex. By then, I was already in my first year of university. At first, we just met up to talk and discuss the problems we had when we were together two or three years earlier. We started seeing each other, taking walks, and spending time together for a few weeks. Of course, Andru had no idea. And then… old feelings reignited, and things happened.

At that point, I seriously considered breaking up and going back to Alex. But then, something clicked inside me—I realized that it wasn’t love driving me toward him, but a deep sense of emptiness. I had been trying to fill that emptiness in every possible way—diving headfirst into romance and passion, using relationships as a distraction from my real inner struggles and pain.

But if you think I suddenly evolved into an emotionally mature person at that moment—of course not. It was way too early for that. But I did gain enough self-awareness to set things straight. I told my ex that I wanted to stay friends and move forward with my life. We stayed in touch for years after that, but eventually lost contact, and now, I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing.

And I went back to Andru and told him everything. It hurt him a lot, but he chose to forgive me and continue our relationship.

Later, he and his family invited me to move to Germany with them. They had German roots, and we even started taking German classes together (by the way, they really did move to Germany later on and now have German passports— It’s really nice to stay on good terms with exes).

But by then, a seed had already been planted inside me. It kept growing and growing until I realized that I was staying with him only out of fear—fear of being alone, attachment, and the fact that he loved me so deeply that I couldn’t bear to break his heart. Even though I brought up the topic of breaking up many times, I always backed out.

By the end of my first year at university, I finally made the decision to leave Andru.

I started hanging out with a new group of friends—guys from my parallel class in high school. (Remember the boyfriend I had as a kid? The one who used to stand on a curb to kiss me? Yeah, that group of friends.) And among them was my future boyfriend- I want to change his name, it will be easier for me morally, so here I will call him Nick. But I’ll save that for next month, because I still need to gather the courage to write about that nightmare 🙈.

My breakup was a huge shock to Andru. I remember him telling me that I was just having a momentary lapse of judgment, that I was hanging out with the wrong people (which, to be fair, was true—they were a spoiled, self-absorbed group of egotists). He said he would love me forever and wait for me to “wake up” and leave them behind. And honestly… I should have listened to him 🙈

But let’s not dwell on the sad stuff.

I had an amazing three years with this person. We had so much fun together, and he played an important role in my life. I’m grateful that he found the strength to forgive me and that we were able to rebuild our friendship.

And tomorrow, I’ll finally show you my work from that period of my life and tell you all about my first photography exhibition! 📸✨