For Anyone Having a Hard Holiday. day twenty three

Today started the way so many Christmas days do—last-minute errands, a little chaos, a little magic. Everyone was in SUCH a good mood today! (Cashier almost let me go without paying xD)

I stopped by a bakery and grabbed cookies for friends, called ahead, popped in and out delivering them like some girly-handsome Santa. Ah, I felt very girly-handsome today. I even took one friend for a spin, and for a moment a police car lit up behind us—only to pass us, lights off, then on again at the red light to pull over the car ahead. The relief! The excitement! Honestly, a little impressed by the stealth attack he's got...

I dropped my friend off and drove home feeling powerful in my very girly 70s outfit—white bell bottoms, a ribbon tied around my neck, a thick puffy coat. I called my mom on the way.

And just like that, everything shifted.

Bad news. The kind that makes your heart sink so fast it feels unreal. A day that was shaping up to be beautiful suddenly felt broken. I cried alone in the forest and let myself feel it all. I thought about loss—about how I miss Franek so deeply, especially now, my first Christmas without him.

I won’t lie: my mind wandered toward old patterns, old ways of coping that I know don’t truly help. The holidays are heavy for so many of us. We all have a vice. Feeling the sadness is okay—but hurting ourselves is not the answer.

So I want to share what helped me today.

I cried. I breathed. I reminded myself that there are still beautiful days ahead—days so beautiful you can’t even imagine them yet. This pain will pass, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

And I reminded myself that I’m not alone.

This group chat is here. I’m here. If I could, I would talk to each of you one by one—I’ve come to miss you more than you know. I see things that remind me of you all the time: a baby blue car, a date on the calendar, a German Shepherd on a walk. I wonder how you’re doing.

Thank you for being here. Please love yourself the way I would love you. If you’re hurting, don’t hurt yourself. Call a friend. Cry. Tell a stranger you need help. Talk in this group—someone will find you. 🧡

yours truly,

felka felka