Chapter 1 of Tanya the Admiral of Steel
Added 2024-05-24 11:21:33 +0000 UTCHey! So this is a new story! I need feedback so please comment. It is very important that you give me your opinion so I can change things before publishing it in case it is to much or it doesnt make sense!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PkmQuxlBLbw6nQtYT-L9kHSyGrjrMH0ToNtHLsVJaxQ/edit?usp=sharing
Comments
I take your point just seems crazy that the media is talking about shit that is, at least on paper, illegal and not trying to obfuscate it at all. The planet from the opening timeline snips gave the feeling of a Naboo type of place which is why I said modern, the fact that slavery was previously illegal also would build into it a certain foreignness to the idea of holding slaves for the general population. From how it reads it also feels a lot more built up of a place than other areas of the outer rim. I will cease my caterwauling for now and let it rest. I will read the next chapters with interest.
Old Hammer
2024-05-24 21:36:15 +0000 UTCIt is, but imagen trying to enforce the law and follow all the planets when they are millions
Maxim Marko Blashkevych
2024-05-24 21:15:42 +0000 UTCFair enough, with the Jedi being involved with the overthrow I assumed that the planet was in Republic territory.
Old Hammer
2024-05-24 21:14:47 +0000 UTCSlavery was made illegal by the Galactic Republic under the Rights of Sentience clause, but continued to exist, particularly in regions not under Republic control, primarily the Outer Rim Territories and the Senex sector. On Tatooine, some slaves were installed with chips in their craniums that killed them if they tried to escape. Anakin Skywalker and Shmi Skywalker had such chips installed within their bodies.
Maxim Marko Blashkevych
2024-05-24 20:49:13 +0000 UTCOk so the thing is. As far as I know most of the outer rim had slavery even if it was illegal. And when the Emperor did legalize it everyone was like. O, nice!
Maxim Marko Blashkevych
2024-05-24 20:48:22 +0000 UTCI mean the prequel era Republic had made slavery illegal. It was why having found slavery found on Tatooine (a planet run the Huttsand was not a member of the republic at that time) shocked Amadala. If the planet is meant to be a backwater where such things go unnoticed it did not really seem that clear Edit: also them being so cavalier about it throws me off like just talking on the news about something that is illegal in the Republic without trying to lampshade it with different words such as “indentured servants” for example. Straight up saying that they have slaves on the planet wide media is kind of wild The Prequel era republic was very corrupt but they should be putting some work into obfuscating what they are doing. If they put in a bit of effort to hide it I can see the Republic ignoring the problem
Old Hammer
2024-05-24 20:45:33 +0000 UTCThe Empire legalized slavery and used it in like half of their planets. What do you mean that its to "modern" to jsut accept slavery? Also how you supposed to check million of habitable planets at the same time? I get your critic but we are talking about star wars
Maxim Marko Blashkevych
2024-05-24 20:32:39 +0000 UTCStill too early to know if I will want to continue reading this one. The trauma is put to writing well and it properly gets the stomach churning in disgust, so well done there. The planet that you have her on feels off and almost a ridiculous extreme. The planet feels too modern and plugged into the galaxy to have slavery on it and to be so cavalier about it on news streams. Sure in the chapter you said it was made illegal again, the problem lies with them restarting the practice with not a whiff of resistance. The Republic had outlawed the practice and while they are corrupt I don’t think they would just ignore it if it was so in your face. If the planet was a backwater like Tatooine I could see them ignoring it. I just did not really get backwater vibes to the planet from my reading. It really just feels like you making the most vicious disgusting Corptocracy you can to justify making Tanya an anti-capitalist. You could have done many things to make her more soured on some of the mad unchecked trade conglomerates in Star Wars (the Trade Federation or Techno Union) and tempered her that way. The writing for the action scenes is well done and paced. The writing is done well in general but does need a pass over for editing to fix small errors in grammar. Keep up the great writing. I have been enjoying your stories for a good while now and I like most of them quite a lot. I will read the next few chapters of this but I am still unsure if it is one I will stick with. Sorry if this came out sounding too critical. I just wanted to give you my honest opinion.
Old Hammer
2024-05-24 19:38:38 +0000 UTCOooh new story, I will give this a read later today when I am able with my work schedule. Looking forward to it
Old Hammer
2024-05-24 12:26:44 +0000 UTC
