Desolation of the Caged Bird - Omake 1, 2, 3

Omakes and Excerpts are considered canonical unless otherwise stated.

Omake 01 — Cuteness

Occurs After: Interlude II - The Victim

“Haaaa.... d-d-demon... b-b-bloody, d-d-d-damned, d-d-demon..."

Anko's teeth chattered.

She should have known her teammate's cousin couldn't be purely cute! What sort of evil, horrid method of training was this supposed to be? Sitting naked in freezing water and circulating her chakra? Who came up with this demented training programme?

If the cute little Hinata-chan was to be believed, it was something commonly done in her clan. A practice that was meant to 'increase the potency of her yin chakra.' A method that would 'align the disharmony within her.'

Anko called it bullshit.

Bullshit!

“A-a-are y-y-you s-s-sure there isn't..." Her teeth were clattering hard against each other. “A-a-another way of... d-d-doing this?"

A method that won't freeze my goddamned tits off!

The cute, innocent Hinata-chan stared at her before she placed one finger on her cheek, as if deep in contemplation.

“The other method is to use the earth and darkness, Anko-nee. Do you..."

“I'll do it!"

She blurted without hesitation, jumping out of the ice water, and shuddering from head to toe. Her skin was almost completely blue just from staying in there for ten minutes. Yet, if the girl was to be believed, she was supposed to soak in there for hours.

“W-w-what's the other m-m-method? Y-you s-s-said... e-earth and... d-d-darkness?"

“First, I'll need to blindfold you."

“O-okay?"

“Then... um... I'm sorry about this, Anko-nee."

“Huh?"

Several rapid strikes struck her body all at once.

XXXXX

She buried her alive.

“Hinata-chan! Hinata-chan! This isn't funny!"

That thrice damned, cute cousin of her teammate buried her alive.

“You need to focus on your breathing, Anko-nee! Focus on the darkness! I'll come back to check on you!"

Anko knew it.

She just knew it.

Her teammate's little cousin truly couldn't be that cute.

Omake 02 — Spandex Industry

Occurs After: Interlude III - The Cultivator

“So it's not possible to purchase in bulk?"

“I'm afraid it's impossible, Hokage-sama. The production processes and skills required for spandex make it impossible to mass produce spandex for the entirety of Konoha's Shinobi Force."

Namikaze Minato stood in a spandex production company, slowly rubbing his brows together.

“The difficulty in creating spandex has to do with the materials, Hokage-sama. We utilize rubber from a special tree that thrives in swampy, marshy environments suited to the very specific conditions of the Land of Rice."

“I see... so spandex is a luxury item..."

The Spandex Merchant nodded his head sagely. “It is indeed, Hokage-sama. Not everyone can afford the expenses needed to be fashionable."

Minato nodded.

“Might I ask why you are interested in the mass acquisition of spandex, Hokage-sama?"

“Spandex works as a perfect medium for fūinjutsu.”

“It does?"

“It does."

“I see."

The man lamented, “A shame it isn't feasible. Else the world could have witnessed the glory of all Konoha kunoichi garbed in beautiful skin-tight spandex armor."

Minato paused.

“...Yes," he mumbled. “A shame."

XXXXX

Fugaku stepped into his son’s room.

“Itachi, we’re going to be having an emergency clan meet—”

The boy stood, wearing a familiar spandex attire that had been bestowed as a gift.

“..."

“..."

Fugaku slowly closed the door.

Omake 03 — Nostalgia

Occurs Before: Interlude II - The Victim

“So..."

“So..."

“You're old."

“You don't need to say it like that," Jiraiya rubbed the back of his neck and sighed.

“I know, but... It’s weird, seeing you look… older, Jiraiya."

“We're the same age, Tsunade-hime."

“Maybe you can tell yourself that," she snorted. “I'll remain young forever, you know."

“...I know."

Tsunade stared at the liquor in front of her.

“Immortality. I don't see the appeal. Orochimaru was always obsessed with it, but now that I've got all the time in the world, what the hell am I supposed to do with it?"

Jiraiya didn’t answer.

“Say, do you still write those pervy books of yours?"

“No."

“You stopped? Really?"

“I've been busy with other things."

“And the peeping...?"

“I don't do that anymore."

"Wow. You really have changed."

Tsunade pressed her lips together.

“Do you mind going peeping for me?"

"Hime, are you drunk?"

"Come on! For you, it’s old times' sake! But for me, it feels like only yesterday I used to see you get chased by angry, wet women in towels. Do it for me? Please?"

Jiraiya sighed.

XXXXX

"Jiraiya-sama! We thought you'd changed your ways!"

"This isn't proper anymore!"

"Hmph! A tiger can't change its stripes after all! Once a pervert, always a pervert!"

"Quickly chase after him! Don't let him get away!"

Tsunade sat atop a tree, laughing heartily and holding her stomach. A group of women chased after 'Jiraiya,' spewing insults and threats. The real Jiraiya appeared beside her and sat down.

"Satisfied, hime-chan?"

"You know, I always wondered why you never fought back even when you were caught."

"If I did something wrong, I needed to accept the consequences."

"Saying that with such a straight face when you're talking about peeping makes me want to hit you."

"I don't think you could anymore, hime."

"Oh?” Tsunade cracked her knuckles. “Wanna bet?"

XXXXX

Tsunade stared at the blue sky, having knocked flat on her ass for the thirtieth time in a row.

“Senjutsu is such bullshit.” 

“It can be."

“I couldn't touch you."

“It happens."

“Say, Jiraiya?"

“Yes, Tsunade-hime?"

“You used to love me, didn't you?"

There was silence.

“As you were my teammate and—"

"You know what I mean."

The silence lingered.

"Do you still have those feelings for me?"

“Why do you ask?"

Tsunade shrugged. “Everything is different. Everyone I know is either gone, dead, older, or changed. You've changed. To me, you were all different just a day ago, but now… now I’m in a world where sensei is retired, the baby-faced brat is the Hokage, you don't peep on women, don't write smut, and I can't beat or touch you in a fight. I feel… sometimes, like I’m dreaming. I know, I’ll adjust, waking up in this world, this strange world. But if even this is different… if I’ve woken up in a world where even that can change…" 

There was a beat.

“Some things never change, hime."

“They don't?"

"They always remain the same."

“No matter what?”

“No matter what.”

“I see."

Tsunade closed her eyes.

“Thank you."

“You’re welcome, hime.”

Tsunade sat up. “So… what do you do now for fun if you don’t peep anymore?” 

Jiraiya chuckled.

“Have you heard of something called an Additive Sequence Seal?”

“Ugggggh.”