Bonus Chapter: Redoing my Life, Gotham Nights Radio #1

This is an excerpt from the podcast that Daniel, John, and Matt were discussing in Chapter 240.

It’s set before The Dark Knight. The next one will take place directly after.

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[Intro music crackles through, old jazz riffs layered over city noise. Sirens wail faintly in the background. Static fades.]

Jack Malone (Daniel):
“Welcome, welcome, all you insomniacs, night owls, and poor bastards stuck pulling graveyard shifts. You’re tuned in to Gotham Nights Radio. I’m your host, Jack Malone, and as always, I’m joined by the voices that keep this circus running — Big Mike Donovan.”

Mike Donovan (John):
“Evening, Gotham.”

Jack:
“And Eddie ‘Slick’ Russo.”

Eddie Russo (Matt):
“Yoo-hoo, Gotham City!”

Jack:
“Well, folks… what a hell of a night it’s been. Just two hours ago, there was some trouble down at the docks. Word is, the Marino family was moving a big shipment guns, drugs, the usual garbage. And guess who dropped by to say hello? Yeah. The Bat. GCPD’s now putting all those bastards where they belong ... behind bars.”

Eddie:
“C’mon, Jack, let’s not pretend. Batman did all the work. The GCPD just showed up after the fact to sweep up the pieces. That’s how it always goes.”

Mike:
“Don’t start that crap, Eddie. You don’t get to spit on the GCPD. Men and women out there put their lives on the line every night, while that that illegal vigilante plays monster in the shadows. Can we not waste another night worshipping that freak?”

Jack:
“Alright, alright, easy there, Mike. Sorry to break it to you, pal, but tonight’s show is dedicated to the Bat. That’s right. We’re taking calls, hearing your theories. Who is he? What is he? Hero, menace, demon in a cape ...tonight, it’s all about him.”

Mike:
“Oh, for Christ’s sake—”

Jack:
“Don’t fight me on this one, Mike. We’re doing it. But first, let’s hit the daily crime stats. Straight from the GCPD blotter: one hundred violent crimes reported, two thousand petty crimes, forty mob-related incidents.”

Eddie:
“Jesus…”

Mike:
“Yeah, and thanks to the GCPD, those numbers are down and they’ll stay down.”

Eddie:
“Down? Are you kidding me? Before Batman showed up it was six hundred violent crimes, mobs running half the city, and the cops too scared to even set foot in Crime Alley. Like it or not, Mike, it’s the Bat cleaning Gotham up — not the badge.”

Jack:
“Alright, alright! Settle down, both of you. This ain’t about the GCPD versus Batman. We’re here to keep Gotham entertained, not start a fistfight in the studio.”

Mike:
“No, no, Jack you don’t get it. Calling that… that thing a hero? Don’t even put him in the same sentence as the greats like Green Lantern, Lady Liberty, Miss America. Real heroes. They fought for this country against the Übermen the Germans created remember them? Real heroes. The Justice Society. They followed the law, they followed the American way. The Bat’s no hero, he’s a thug. And if you think otherwise, Eddie, then you and I—”

Jack (cutting in quickly):
“—Alright, alright, looks like we’re due for a break. Don’t touch that dial, folks, because when we come back, it’s your calls. We wanna know: Who is Batman? Gotham’s guardian angel… or just a madman in a mask?”

[Static crackles. An ad rolls. Organ music swells, then fades into a velvet-voiced announcer.]

Ad Voiceover:
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[Confident, upbeat music fades in. The voice of a passionate narrator fills the air.]

Narrator:
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[Music swells. A short pause.]

Narrator (voice softens for the tag):
“Paid for by Friends of Harvey Dent.”

[Ad fades out.]

Jack Malone (Daniel):
“Alright, Gotham, we are back. Hopefully a little calmer now, right, Mike? Eddie?”

Eddie Russo (Matt):
“Yeah, yeah.”

Mike Donovan (John):
“Fine. Don’t push it.”

Jack:
“Good. Before we take our first caller tonight, Eddie’s been itching to share a theory of his own about the Bat. You’ve been bragging all week you had this figured out. So… let’s hear it.”

Eddie:
“Oh, I got a good one, Jack. Here’s my theory: Batman ain’t just one guy. No way. He’s a group. A team. Seven, maybe eight people, all wearing the suit, all working shifts. That’s why he’s everywhere at once why one minute he’s busting up a mob deal in Burnley and the next he’s swinging over Crime Alley. No man could do all that.”

Jack:
“Oooooh, interesting. A whole league of Bats? That’s actually… not bad, Eddie. Pretty plausible.”

Mike:
“Oh, of course it’s plausible. You think one nutjob in a cape can do all this?”

Eddie:
“Wait, wait, wait. I thought you were out of this conversation, Mike?”

Mike:
“Yeah, well, I changed my mind. And also, screw you.”

Jack:
“Eddie’s theory of a ‘League of Bats’ sounds plausible to me, but here’s my eternal question: who’s funding him? That kind of gear doesn’t come cheap.”

Eddie:
“Community crowd-funding, that’s my guess. Think about it, Jack. Gotham’s citizens want hope, they want protection. Maybe they’re all pitching in, passing the hat. ’Cause do we really think a corporate giant like Wayne Enterprises would sink a dime into actually bettering Gotham? If they wanted to help, they could start by paying their fair share of taxes.”

Mike:
“Oh, here we go again. Eddie, you ignorant fuck! The Waynes built this city. They gave it hospitals, schools, that monorail you and every working stiff in this city use. And what did your so-called hero do last year? He blew it up! Spat on Thomas and Martha Wayne’s legacy, that’s what.”

Eddie:
“Mike, come on! He had to! You remember the whole city would’ve gone up in smoke if that terrorist hadn’t been stopped. The Bat did what had to be done.”

Mike:
“No. No, no, no. Bruce Wayne does more for this city right now than that monster in the shadows ever will. The man runs every orphanage, every homeless shelter, feeds families by the thousands. That’s a real hero. Not some freak in a cape breaking bones.”

Eddie:
“Tax breaks, that’s what that is. Don’t kid yourself. Every dollar Wayne spends, he gets five back.”

Jack:
“Alright, alright, gentlemen before Mike flips the table here. Let me lighten things up with my own wild card. Maybe… just maybe… Batman is actually funded by the GCPD. Think about it he’s always working with that Lieutenant Gordon guy, right? He’s the one who uses that… uh… Bat-Signal, right?”

Mike:
“What?! If that’s true, then the Gotham City Police Department has sunk lower than I ever imagined. When I was on the force, it was an institution of law, of order. If Gordon’s in bed with Batman, hell… I might just put my badge back on and straighten this mess out myself!”

Eddie:
“Please. The GCPD couldn’t organize a parade, let alone Batman. You think those clowns could be that precise? No chance, Jack.”

Jack:
“Alright, alright, enough. My blood pressure’s rising just listening to you two. Let’s hear from the real Gotham out there. Phone lines are open let’s take our first caller of the night.”

Jack:
“You’re on Gotham Night Radio. Tell us your name and where you’re calling from.”

Caller:
“Name’s Frank. South Narrows. And I know exactly what the Batman is.”

Jack:
“Ohhh, bold claim, Frank. Lay it on us, man let’s hear it.”

Frank (ranting):
“He’s no man. He’s no hero. He’s a creature of the night. A demon, sent straight from Hell itself to haunt Gotham for its sins. You think a man does what he does? No. He feasts on evil. I seen it. He doesn’t fight those mobsters he feeds on ’em. Drags ’em into the alleys, rips their souls out, leaves only husks. That’s why they fear him. They’re afraid of the pit. The eternal pit!”

Jack (interjects):
“Alright, Frank, but if he’s a demon...why’s he after bad guys? Shouldn’t he be terrorizing innocent folks like us if that’s true?”

Frank (growing louder, more manic):
“Because he’s a demon of vengeance! Don’t you see? He’s here to purify Gotham. First the thieves, the killers, the wicked. But when he’s done with them… when this city’s finally bled dry of sin… he’ll turn on the rest of us. You. Me. Your families. He’ll judge all of us! That’s how demons work. They start with evil, but they end with everyone.”

[Mike mutters “Oh, for Christ’s sake” under his breath. Eddie chuckles nervously.]

Frank (rant intensifies):
“And it ain’t just him! I’ve seen visions a flying man, a golden woman, the Green Lantern returning, Atlantis rising from the depths. It’s the end times! The metahuman plagues, abominations. And Gotham, rotten to the core, is ground zero. The Bat is just the first trumpet. You mark my words the horsemen are here!”

[Static fuzzes as Frank keeps shouting. Jack quickly cuts the line.]

Jack:
“Okayyy… wow. That guy was nuts. Moving on. Next caller, please hopefully someone with both feet on the ground."

A lot of calls later.....

[The warm jingle of a commercial plays.]

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[Commercial fades.]

Jack:
“Okay, we’re back, folks. A lot of theories about the Batman tonight… some good…”

Mike:
“Six guys claimed they were Batman. I’m pretty sure at least half of them were Arkham escapees.”

Eddie:
“Which means my theory wins, by default.”

Jack (chuckling):
“Yeah, yeah, sure, Eddie. Alright, one last call before we wrap things up tonight.”

Mike (groaning):
“Oh, God, here we go…”

Jack:
“Okay, caller, you’re live on Gotham Nights Radio. What’s your name?”

Caller:
“Heh… names are overrated, don’t you think? Let’s just say… I’d rather not.”

Jack:
“Alright, no problem. So tell us, mysterious stranger what do you think about the Batman? What do you think he is?”

Caller (crackling with laughter):
“The Batman… ohhh, the Batman… hahahahaha! He’s funny. This guy, running around in his little costume… scaring the rats in alleys, dragging mobsters out of bed. And Gotham? Gotham eats it up. They cheer, they scream, they cower. He’s their boogeyman, their bedtime story. They need him.”

[Caller laughs again.]

“But see, here’s the joke. Gotham made him. Every alley, every gutter, every drop of blood it built him. He’s not justice. He’s not vengeance. He’s just the city’s own filth, wearing a mask. A bad joke told too many times.”

[Long pause, then a burst of manic chuckling.]

“Jokes… hahahahaha… jokes always need a punchline. And when this one comes? Ohhh, Gotham’s gonna laugh. You’ll laugh, I’ll laugh, he’ll laugh. Because that’s all that’ll be left. Just the punchline.

And me? Heh… I think I’m gonna laugh the hardest when the joke’s over. You’ll see… soon enough.”

[The line cuts. Dead air for a beat.]

Mike:
“Weirdest call’s always the last one.”

Jack (forcing a laugh):
“Ooookayyy… well, that was… cheerful. Guess that’s it for our show tonight, folks.”

“This has been Gotham Nights Radio. I’m Jack Malone, with Big Mike Donovan and Eddie ‘Slick’ Russo. Remember: keep your doors locked, stay safe, and try not to piss off the Bat. Good night, Gotham.”

[Outro music fades. Static crackles. Broadcast ends.]