veryfilthything

Fila Status Update

Added 2024-09-12 18:38:27 +0000 UTC

Hey all, I know I've been quiet lately. Unfortunately, its cause I'm having pretty bad mental issues again. I needed to take a break to try and recuperate but if I'm honest I dunno if I'm fully there still.

The weight of trying to meet the impossible expectations of my parents continues to weigh on me. It doesn't matter how hard or how little I try, it won't matter to them because nothing is ever 'enough'. I wish I didn't have to be dependent on them but being disabled, all I can really do is my art to any degree of proficiency. But that hasn't been going well either; feels like I have no idea what people really want out of me sometimes.

Its gotten very demoralizing seeing myself lose so many subs. I have no idea how 'normal' it is to lose members so often, but that's partly because I feel like I exist in a bubble. I don't really get to talk to any other artists who run patreons that they are seriously trying to live off full time. All I can do is make assumptions and my anxiety makes me always assume the worse.

Don't take this as me trying to guilt trip people for not subbing; I only want people to sub if they feel its worth it. It wouldn't matter if my parents were understanding that this stuff takes time and effort but... they aren't. I don't get any positive encouragement from them and it kind of just all snowballed on me at once.

So I'm sorry about all this. I wanna do better for everyone but I've been pushing myself to what is unfortunately my hard limit it seems. I don't really know what to do from here but I wanna get back into drawing properly rather than letting more time slip by.

I still greatly appreciate all the support and encouragement i am regularly given, I try not to take it for granted. Its just really not a substitute from the lack of empathy and love I feel from my own family.