Alternative Therapies - Chapter 18

In the following days, not only did Viola seem to adjust well in the new environment, but her mother did as well. Although she was initially there just to help Viola settle into kindergarten, she naturally began taking care of the other children too, and in doing so became a real pillar of support for Mrs. Müller. Her presence suddenly made activities possible that previously would have been impossible for Mrs. Müller to carry out alone.

I couldn't stifle a big yawn as I sat down next to Nora at the lunch table, after an unusually extensive long group game. A heaviness settled over my eyelids that I could hardly fight off. Uncertainty washed over me: Was the growing exhaustion perhaps due to the fact that lunch was delayed by three-quarters of an hour because of the prior activity? Had I already become so accustomed to the nap that I now needed it just like the other children? After all, I would normally be in my crib by this time, and the other girls also seemed more tired than usual as we sat down for lunch.

Most likely, I was just unnecessarily worrying about having become so accustomed to life as a toddler that a nap had become indispensable for me. My tiredness was probably more attributable to the fact that I had been feeling unwell all morning. And the abdominal pain I was experiencing led me to suspect that my discomfort was likely due to the unfortunate fact that I would soon get my period.

"Anna, would you be so kind as to quickly put bibs on the children while I fetch lunch from the kitchen?" Mrs. Müller asked Viola's mother before disappearing from the room. A whiff of sweet perfume filled the air as Anna positioned herself behind me. With practiced hands, Viola's mother spread the colorful bib over me and tied it around my neck.

It was crazy, every night after I was put to bed and alone in my sister's room, I literally masturbated myself to sleep thinking about her. After weeks of sexual abstinence - with the beginning of my therapy I had lost all desire - her pure presence had managed to reawaken my lust, even though there were truly nicer things than satisfying oneself in a diaper. Not to mention the constant fear that my mother could hear me over the baby monitor. But all this had not been able to stop my lust, which was ignited by this woman.

And yet, when Anna was in the immediate vicinity at the kindergarten, I couldn't utter a single word, even though what I desired most was to get closer to her. Instead, my eyes secretly followed her at all times. This time was no different; I said nothing, only watched as she gently moved on to the rest of the children to put their bibs on. Each of her movements seemed so graceful, so full of care, that I lost myself in the silent poetry of this simple act. I could have watched her for hours, yet in the next moment all the bibs were in place, and lunch had arrived at the dining table.

It didn't take long for my fatigue to finally take over while eating. My eyes kept closing, and several times the food slipped off my spoon, landing pitifully on my bib. Mrs. Müller, of course, didn't miss this. 'Emily, more food is ending up on your bib than in your mouth. I'll take you to bed, and you can eat more later if you're still hungry,' she finally told me, after I had dozed off yet again, spilling a spoonful of pudding onto myself.

She took off my bib, led me to the changing table, put on my nightgown, and quickly checked my diaper. 'Dry. That's good,' she noted, almost more to herself than to me. She lovingly put me into my crib and placed my little teddy bear next to me. As soon as I cuddled up to him, fatigue completely overcame me, and I slipped into a deep, restful sleep.

I awoke with an unpleasant pressure in my stomach that made me wince, and realized in that same moment that I urgently needed my potty. My hands instinctively grabbed the bars of my crib, attempting to push them aside to escape my little prison, but it was futile. On my own, I couldn't get out of this damn bed.

Mrs. Müller, Mrs. Müller?' I called out softly, my voice barely louder than a gentle whisper. I didn't want to be too loud, fearing I would wake the other girls. But I needed to get out of here. My eyes scanned the room, hoping to find Mrs. Müller so she could help me out of bed and onto my potty, but the only person I saw was Viola's mother. She looked up from her smartphone at the sound of my calls, casting a questioning glance in my direction.

She set her smartphone aside, stood up, and approached me with quiet, deliberate steps. 'Is everything alright, Emily? Mrs. Müller is away for a moment, but perhaps I can help you,' she said with a loving gentleness that further twisted my insides. I would have preferred if it weren't the very woman I admired so much who had to assist me in such an intimate matter. But it seemed I had no other choice unless I wanted to risk an accident. Kneeling in the bed, my hands gripping the bars of the crib, I began to explain my dire situation. 'I really need to—,' I began, but before I could finish the sentence, the unimaginable happened.

Without me being able to do anything about it, my bowels discharged and filled all of their contents into my diaper. A feeling of warmth spread through my crotch as the pulpy mass settled between my legs. The diaper, which had already been wet before, but had nevertheless been firmly attached to my crotch, was suddenly literally pulled down by the additional weight.

I was too shocked to utter a sound. All I could do was look at Anna with horrified eyes. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion after I had suddenly stopped speaking mid-sentence. 'What do you urgently need, Emily?' she asked me, puzzled. But then, the unmistakable smell broke through the silence, explaining my situation in a way that words could not have done better. Anna's face shifted from confusion to gentle understanding. 'Ah, I see you have a full diaper, sweetheart,' she said, her voice devoid of any blame or criticism.

Tears began to flow and I was unable to withstand the wave of emotions that washed over me. Until this point, I had considered myself superior to the other children because, unlike them, I had never done my 'big business' in a diaper. Even Nora, who was already quite advanced in potty training, had once filled her diaper. Now, my last sense of superiority was shattered. I was just like all the other children here. I wore diapers, bibs, and emptied my bladder and bowels into a diaper if I wasn't put on a potty quickly enough. Mrs. Weber and my mother had been right: This group was exactly at my level of development. I belonged here.

Anna unlocked and opened the bars of my crib. 'Hey, it's not a big deal. Sometimes these things happen. It's not the end of the world,' she comforted me, taking my head gently into her hands. 'Come on, let me change your diaper quickly, and then the world will look very different.

As she helped me out of the bed and led me to the changing table, I felt the unpleasant fullness of the diaper with every movement. Every step seemed to shift the mushy mass inside my diaper, and the fact that we were moving away from the scene of the event did nothing to change the fact that the unpleasant smell of my excrements followed us at every step. I was literally disgusted by myself, and I felt so incredibly sorry for Anna, who also had to endure this stench.

Tears were still streaming down my face when I lay down on the changing table. Involuntarily, my hands clenched around my still-aching stomach after I had laid down. Anna noticed this as well. "You have a stomachache, don't you?" she asked, concerned. I could only nod. Emotionally, I was not yet able to express myself any other way.

Anna disappeared for a brief moment and then returned to me. Before I could realize what was happening, she put something into my mouth. 'This will surely help with your stomachache,' she said reassuringly as she patted my face. Only then did I realize she had just given me a pacifier—specifically, a medication pacifier.

In my current state, plagued by agonizing stomach pains, I was even willing to accept the silly pacifier. At that moment, I would have taken anything that promised potential relief. Hopeful, I began to suck on the Pacifier, and in the next moment, the sweet taste of the medication released in small doses filled my mouth. I hoped it would work quickly.

Eagerly sucking on my Pacifier, I had to watch as Viola's mother lifted my nightgown, unfastened the adhesive strips of my diaper, and exposed my feces-covered crotch. I don't think anything in my life had ever been more embarrassing. Even wetting the kitchen floor in front of my mother suddenly seemed trivial in comparison. I couldn't even count how many wet wipes Anna ended up needing to clean my crotch of my excrements, but one thing was certain: never had diaper cream and a fresh diaper felt so good afterward.

After Anna had finally changed my diaper, she didn't lead me back to my crib but to the small sofa situated in a cozy corner of the group room. She helped me lie down and covered me with a soft blanket. Then she briefly disappeared and returned with a baby bottle.

“With diarrhea, it's especially important to stay hydrated, Emily," Anna informed me. She sat down next to me on the sofa and asked me to lay my head on her lap. With a gentle motion, she removed the pacifier from my mouth and replaced it with the baby bottle of water. Embarrassed but somehow still grateful, I began to suckle on it, and the cool liquid alleviated some of the discomfort in my still-aching stomach.

My eyelids grew heavier with each sip, and fatigue seemed to be overtaking me once again. But just as I was about to drift back into sleep, the sound of a door opening jolted me awake. Mrs. Müller entered the room and looked around, puzzled. 'Is everything alright? Why isn't Emily in her bed?' she wondered. Anna looked up and replied, 'Emily had a messy diaper. I've just changed her.' Confused, Mrs. Müller looked at me. "That never happened before" she noted, "up until now, Emily has even avoided doing her big business in her potty at kindergarten."’

Indeed, up until this moment, I had done everything in my power to do my big business at home with my mother. She was the only one in front of whom I had managed to perform this degrading act on my potty. To avoid doing it in front of anyone else, I had even gone so far as to suppress the urge to go for hours on end. 'I believe Emily has diarrhea,' Anna finally explained to Mrs. Müller with compassion. But before I could catch what Mrs. Müller replied, I had already fallen back asleep.

I only awoke when Mrs. Müller called me for the afternoon snack. Unfortunately, sleep had done nothing to alleviate my stomach pains. Unsure if I even had an appetite, I dragged myself, still half-asleep and in my nightgown, to the dining area. Only when I sat down did I become aware of the unusual feeling in my mouth. To my horror, I realized that the pacifier was back between my lips. Apparently, Anna had put it back in my mouth after I had dozed off, and I had slept with it the whole time. Annoyed, I took the thing out; the medication in it was already used up, and my condition had not improved anyway. I intended to simply set the pacifier aside, but to my chagrin, I discovered that it was attached to my nightgown with a string and a clip. Just as I was about to remove the silly thing, Mrs. Müller appeared with my bib and my food portion, and the next moment, the pacifier was not only hidden under my bib but also out of my mind.

Viola and her mother had apparently already left, as they were neither at the lunch table nor anywhere else in the room. Their acclimation phase was probably not far along enough for them to spend the entire day here. Listlessly, without much appetite, I chewed on a piece of apple when I felt another cramping pain in my stomach. It took no more than a second for my bowels to empty themselves into my up-until-then clean diaper again. My faith was completely shattered. Here I was, 19 years old, with a bib around my neck and a soiled diaper around my hips.

Yet instead of reporting my mishap to Mrs. Müller so that I could quickly be changed out of my nasty, dirty diaper, I handled it like the other children here and kept my accident to myself. I knew she would sooner or later notice the state of my diaper, but out of sheer embarrassment, I couldn't bring myself to inform her about my accident. So, disgusted by the feeling between my legs and the smell surrounding me, I continued to chew my food as normal, until the moment the odor reached Mrs. Müller. What followed was the same routine that happened every time someone had soiled their diaper. Mrs. Müller asked the group who had a full diaper. As usual, no one came forward. Then she went around the table and checked each child. When she finally got to me, a quick lift of my nightgown and a glance at my diaper was all it took to identify me as the culprit. With my face flushed red, I was led to the changing table, where for the second time that day, I was freed from my smelly diaper.

No sooner had Mrs. Müller put on my fresh diaper, the door opened and my mother appeared in the room. With a concerned expression, she rushed over to me. "Emily, Mrs. Müller called me earlier and said you weren't feeling well. How are you?" she asked lovingly, as she gave me a kiss on the forehead to greet me.

"Not so good, Mom, my stomach still hurts," I answered softly, tears in my eyes. Believe it or not, a sense of relief washed over me at the sight of my mother. I was glad she had come to take me home and look after me. "Oh, my darling, everything will be alright, Mom's here," my mother comforted me, taking me lovingly into her arms. Meanwhile, Mrs. Müller explained to her once again what had happened. She told her that I had started to have stomach pains during naptime and that she had just changed my full diaper for the second time today.

My mother finally picked me up and was just about to take me out of the room when she noticed the medicated pacifier still dangling from my nightgown. "What's in this?" she asked skeptically, pointing to the pacifier. "It's a homeopathic remedy for stomach pains. Viola's mother, who's currently getting her child accustomed to the kindergarten, gave Emily this remedy because she was in so much pain," Mrs. Müller explained.

Great, just what I needed. I had hoped that Viola's mother wasn't one of those alternative medicine weirdos. But whatever, nobody's perfect. On the other hand, my mother simply nodded understandingly, as if that was the best thing that could have been done in this situation. "Please thank her for me," she said to Mrs. Müller before we left the room.