The Technician's Fight, Draft 1, CH46

He woke with a start and fought the disorientation. Where was the bright light? Omar’s distorted voice?

He felt the arm over his chest. The fur, the nose against his neck, and he relaxed. He was home. It had been part of his training. A horrible part, but a needed one. Thur and his packmates had told him. Made him feel that it didn’t change how they felt about him.

The knowledge, that certainty they still loved him as one of them, helped.

Gral holding him, loving him, had helped more. It hadn’t removed every doubt. He expected only time and counseling would do that, but it made it easier to remember he had done nothing wrong. He had done the same as every other hunter before him. He’d been humbled. Taught that will wasn’t enough. Desire to do right by his packmates, by his people, wasn’t enough. Regardless of his beliefs, he could be broken.

Humbled wasn’t strong enough a term.

He’d felt humiliated.

But it hadn’t changed how those who cared about him felt. Toom had visited the previous day, while Gral was on shift, and had held him. Others had visited, each reminding him they saw him no differently. There had been messages from the crew and the civilians, expressing their caring for him.

It had been overwhelming.

Gral had been angry someone had leaked the information, but Jeremy asked him to let it go. As much as knowing his friends still cared, still loved him. Knowing everyone else, even strangers on the ship, still thought well of him was a balm. His perceived failing had put them at risk as much as his friends, his packmates. But they didn’t hold it against him. They still thought of him as one of them.

His breakdown at that realization had confused Gral, but he’d held him. And he hadn’t pursued the matter of who had leaked the information.

He turned against his Heart, pressed his nose in the mane, and breathed in the scent of home and slept peacefully.

*

“How are you feeling?” Leiha asked, seated on the other side of her desk, looking very much the Psychologist.

“Not…as confused on most days. Why did it take five days for you to call me in? Shouldn’t you have evaluated me the instant I was released?”

“What would you have told me then?”

“I don’t know,” he snapped. “How about what you’d have told me to help? Do you have any idea what it’s like to wake up some mornings thinking I killed everyone? That my betrayal resulted in the ship being lured into a trap and destroyed?”

“Not firsthand, no.” The calm tone against his accusatory one took some of the anger out.

“I could have used…something to make this easier.”

“Jeremy, what you are going through can’t be made easier. Not by a stranger sitting being a desk telling you it happened for a reason. That you did nothing wrong.”

“You aren’t a stranger.”

“And as your friend, I visited you. I held your hand, told you that I saw you no differently. Those are not things I could have done as your counselor. What you are feeling is something every hunter must feel and untangle on their own, with the help of those who care for them.”

“Is it this hard for all of them?”

“No. By the time a hunter’s session comes, they have usually resolved most matters already, and we help them with lingering doubts. This, I think, is a species difference. The outpouring of caring from the civilians and the crew wouldn’t have helped one of us the way it helped you.”

“Did you arrange it?”

“No. It didn’t occur to me you’d need it.”

“Do you know who did?”

“No. But considering the elements needed for it to happen, I have suspicions.”

“They’d need to know what I’d gone through, which only hunters should. They’d need to know me well enough to understand how I’m different from Kelsirians emotionally. Which would only be a close friend. And they have to not care about rules getting in their way. Xen did it.”

“He is the most likely candidate.”

“So, how am I feeling?” He did an analysis. “I’m still angry at myself for failing. I get it’s what’s supposed to happen, but outright failures aren’t something I’ve encountered often.”

“I expect that in your field, that type of failure is fatal.”

“Or at least career-ending.” He checked how else he felt. “I’m mostly excited about the station, which is a change from the dread it brought a few days ago.”

“Why dread?”

“Out there, among strangers, other species. Maybe Earthers too. Anything can happen there. Happen to me. That’s all I could focus on before.”

“And today?”

“I won’t be alone. I can finally remember that. If I need it, I’ll have my pack with me. Gral wants to take me out, just the two of us, visit some out of the way places he knows about. But there’s also the station’s security net. The Earthers got away with it once, and they needed a ship docked to make it happen. There aren’t any there.”

“If there were one. What would you do?”

He swallowed. “Right now? I’d run for home, lock the door and not leave until we left. Everything about my session was crafted to make me think I’d been caught by Earthers. I saw through it as soon as I woke up, but the more confused I got, the less what I knew mattered. Every time I wake up, the first thought is ‘how come I’m no longer on that Earther ship.’ It takes me a few seconds to remember I was never on an Earther ship.”

“How do you feel about them using that type of trickery?”

“I have no idea. Intellectually, I can reason my way through a decision process that makes that the most logical way to do it. But emotionally? It’s a good thing it’ll be a couple of weeks before I have to sit before them so they can explain how things will proceed.”

“What is the thought process leading to it making sense?”

Jeremy steeled himself as he released a breath. “My mind was raped by humans. When I fought against it, they threw me in a cell, increased the raping and threatened me with worse. When I broke away, they kidnapped me, mind raped me again. When I overcame that they attempted to kidnap me yet again. I have a very understandable fear of Earther. Since the goal is to break me, that’s the route that makes sense. Play on my fear of being captured. With the threat I’ll be made to hate all of you again. With the confusion, it’d be easy for me to lose track of what I know to be true and lose myself in the trick. Accept it happened. That Earthers captured me and got me to betray the people I care about.” He caught his breath and chuckled. “Yeah. I’m pretty pissed they had me go through that.”

“Do you understand it was necessary?”

“Intellectually, yes. Without it, I’d always think that I don’t need whatever they’ll teach me. That I’m not like those other hunters. That I’m different. I’m the Alpha’s Heart, his Little Warrior. Of course, I’d be able to resist any kind of interrogation I was subjected to. I just wished knowing that made accepting it easier. I can’t seem to separate my emotions from my intellect the way you can.”

“We do seem to have an ability to compartmentalize you don’t, but don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s always easy.”

He nodded. “Gral told me how knowing what I was going through almost drove him to come to my rescue. That he needed the distraction of his work and his friends to stay away.”

“We rely on others to help, where you have an ease of stepping into your work.”

“It’s always been a safe place. I didn’t have the distraction of my ‘sickness’ when I worked. I didn’t have to worry about Omar Seywan trying to set me up with another woman. It was just me and the problem before me.”

“As a hunter, that may not afford you the same kind of safety. It’s difficult to leave the hunt behind if all you have is yourself and the memory.”

“I’m working on spending more time among others. Just living. My friends are helping.”

“I’m glad. Now, tell me about what you went through during your session.”

Telling her about everything he’d experienced wasn’t easy. How he lost track of what was real and not. How, even with how impossible it was for his mother to be there, it made him feel. The helplessness, the confusion.

He felt no better by the time he was done. And he’d gone to Prertiros for comfort afterward.

*

“Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.”

Jeremy stopped the recording and played it back. Bob’s voice still sounded off. Almost like someone was imitating him.

He stopped the paranoid descent immediately. This didn’t mean Bob had been captured and someone was using him to get to Jeremy. He needed to eliminate the other possibilities first.

This could be transmission corruption. How did he go about checking that? He had no idea. But he knew someone who’d know someone.

“Jeremy,” Atarikna greeted him as the call connected. “How are you doing? Excited for time on the station?”

“Yes, who do you know that can analyze a transmission to find out if it suffered degradation? Or maybe was altered?”

“Why do you need to know that?”

“I finally got to Bob’s message, but his voice sounds off. I want to eliminate all other possibilities before I go to the Alpha to mount a rescue hunt.”’

She chuckled. “Have you checked with comms? They’ll have the data on the transmission itself.”

“I can do that?”

“Of course. Can’t you contact comms on Earther ships?”

“I never had to.” He considered it. “And I knew one of the comm officers, back on Einstein. I’d just ask him.”

“Just look it up in the directory. They’ll be able to tell you.”

“Thanks.”

He found their connection and tapped it.

“Comms, how can I help?”

“Hi. I want to check on the integrity of a message. I was told you can help.”

“That’s the message ID?”

He gave it to the male.

“Nothing reads as wrong with it.”

“Can you confirm the origin point?”

“The Gourougaria.” There was a pause. “That’s a Kersosteran ship.”

It was the ship Bob was on. “If someone intercepted the transmission, would that show up in what you see?”

“I don’t know. That sounds more like something Investigation would handle.”

“How do I contact them?”

“They’re in the directory, but I’ll connect you directly.”

“Thank you.”

“Investigation.”

“Hi, I have a situation I’m hoping you can help me with.”

“Name?”

“Hunt…. No. Technician Jeremy Bradshaw, this is civilian related, I think.”

“How can I help?” The shift in tone from relaxed to alert took Jeremy by surprise.

“I received a message from a friend, but there’s something strange with how he sounds. Comms confirmed there’s no degradation, so I’m wondering if someone might have intercepted the message and altered it.”

The pause felt long. “Why would someone want to do that?”

“My friend’s an Earther.”

“Does his message attempt to lure you off the Bane?”

“I…don’t know. I haven’t listened to all of it. I wanted to make sure there was nothing wrong with it, first.”

The female chuckled. “Hunter, I know that right now everything feels like the gods are plotting against you, but that’s just the leftover from what you went through. It will pass.”

“How do you know what…. Right. Everyone on the ship knows.”

“And we’re all glad you are advancing in your training. Well, us hunters are.”

“So you think I’m just being paranoid.”

“Have you asked your friend how he’s doing?”

“We’re communicating over normal comms. The delay’s in weeks.”

“Then ask for instant communication. Unless the ship he’s on is ancient, it’ll be capable.”

“Isn’t that for…important stuff?”

“Hunter. You are the Alpha’s Heart. Make use of it. It sounds like this is important to you.”

“I guess I do that through Comms?”

“You do. If you still feel there’s something off about the situation, contact me directly, and I’ll look into it.” A connection number appeared on his tablet.

“Alright, thanks.”

Jeremy hesitated. How was he supposed to do that? Did he order them? Did he have that kind of authority as Gral’s Heart? Did he want to order anyone, even if he had the authority? This was a personal matter, not ship business. At least not until he confirmed there was something wrong.

He tapped the connection.

“Comms,” a female said.

“Hi. I’m Technician Jeremy Bradshaw. I need to contact the Gourougaria, and I was told that as the Alpha’s Heart, I could request instant communication.”

“Of course,” she replied, “although, you don’t need to use that. If you explain why you need instant communication, I’m sure I can justify it.”

“I think a friend might be in trouble, but it might just be lingering paranoia.”

“I’ll file that under Family Law. Let me connect you.”

“Gourougaria, Truan talking,” the gray furred Kersosteran said.

“Hi. I need to talk to—”

“Don’t understand.”

“Right.” He restarted in Federalize. “I need to speak with Bob. He’d the Earther on your ship.”

“Wait.”

The screen went black, then a white and copper-furred Kersosteran appeared. “Janatia, who’s this?”

“Hi, I’d like to talk with Bob.”

“Wait.” She, he thought she was female, moved out of screen. There was the sound of something being slid against metal, followed by someone speaking Kersosteran. Definitely male, that one. She replied. He responded, sounding annoyed, then Bob stepped into screen.

“Jeremy Bradshaw! That’s a surprise. What do I owe the honor?”

“What’s wrong with your voice?” The oddity was still there.

“My voice?” He looked puzzled. Then he laughed. “Oh, my voice! Sorry, it’s been so long since I spoke English I forgot how I’m supposed to sound.” He looked off-screen and said something Jeremy didn’t understand, and realized he was the other person he’d heard speak Kersosteran. “Sorry, just letting Janatia know this might take a bit. Yeah, my voice. After a month here, we took on new members, and no one thought to make sure they learned English. We don’t have anyone on the ship to teach them, so it made for a rough time of always needing someone to translate for me. By the time we made it to a station, we were looking at an expense to have them learn, and it would be more expense each time someone signed a contract with us. I thought there had to be a better way, and there was. There’s a Ridoshi surgeon, for lack of a better term, who specializes in cross-species alterations. It wasn’t on this station, but I ran the idea with my…we’re going to say captain.” The grin hinted at more, and Jeremy remembered Bob’s comment in a previous message about how Kersosteran crew was more intimate than professional. “That it would be less expensive in the long run if I had my voice box altered so I can speak Garan like them, instead of paying a Mentalist each time we take on someone new.”

“And a Ridoshi was able to operate on you? How many Earthers had it operated on before?”

“It took a scan, got back to me the next day, saying it could do it, and here I am.” He said something Jeremy didn’t understand, and grinned.

“Isn’t that…extreme? What if you decide to join an Earther crew at some point?”

Bob stared, then laughed. “That’s never happening. I am done with Earth. I’ll collect my movies anytime I can get us to that area, and that’s as close to those people as I want to get. If you want, I can’t put you in contact with the surgeon.”

“I’m going to pass,” Jeremy replied, shuddering at the thought of mangling his body like that.

“I understand. So, is there anything else? This is nice and all, but I’m officially on duty.”

“No, that’s all,” Jeremy said, still not over what Bob had done to himself. “I just wanted to confirm you were okay.”

“Oh, I am.” He grinned. “If we’re going to do instant, I’ll send you my schedule so we can arrange something when I’m not working.”

“No, it’ll be normal messages. I don’t think I can justify instant transmission again.”

“I’ll wait for it then.”

Screen went blank, and Jeremy tried to understand how Bob could have done that to himself.