The Marshmallow Ranch Gazette

Volume 5, Issue 17 - Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Howdy, patrons!

It's frustratingly easy to lose momentum when you're writing, especially this year. I had the big mood crash in the third week of August and couldn't recover, though I have been working on part 3 of "A Bearable Partner" in that time. Reading over what I have so far, I'm really unhappy with it. I understand that it's most important to get the writing in no matter what, but I don't think it does nearly what I want with the characters. I'm pretty sure the audience wouldn't be invested in the scenario either. So I'm reworking it for now, and hope to have it up and ready by the end of the week.

For the past couple of months, I've been thinking a lot about what exactly I want to do with my writing here. 2020 has been a brutally hard year on everyone, and it feels like a frivolous waste of time to work on gay fetish erotica for money. Is this really the best use of my energy? What else could I be doing?

Everything feels so out of control. Here at the Ranch, we've had to endure multiple stretches of 100+ degree weather while wildfires rage all around us. The air quality has been poor for weeks now, and when things are really bad the light outside takes on a sickly yellow (or apocalyptically orange) glow. The heat, the fires, and the pandemic all combine to make it so the only thing you can do is suffer through the weather at home as best you can. You can't distract yourself by going out to the movies, or writing in a pub; you can't work out your anxiety by going out for a run (even in the mornings); you can't shelter with friends and play games. You just have to shut the windows and run whatever fans or air conditioning you can to keep cool.

You'd think that in the era of peak TV catching up on everything you'd miss would be enough of a distraction -- but we've been binging since March and that's starting to lose its appeal at last. Social media is no help whatsoever; I don't know about all of you, but my feed is a never-ending stream of outrage and doom. There's bad news coming from national newspapers looking at the corruption of the current Administration, tidbits from my hometown about police brutality and systemic neglect, a number of teapot tempests in the furry community regarding race, representation, taboos, bad take after bad take after bad take. I often come away from Twitter unable to feel as angry as I feel I should, and feeling guilty that I'm not as loud or as active about the many things going wrong in the world. But then, what good would being active do me at this point? Everyone's shouting; no one's listening. 

I think, ultimately, I have to retreat into self-mastery in response to what's happening outside in the world. The only thing I can truly control is how I respond to whatever comes my way, so focusing on the things that allow me to respond with compassion and wisdom is the best use of my time. Writing, at its best, provides me a window into myself to work out those really knotty questions that are important to untangle. And by writing stories that make me happy, I can learn what's most important to me and why. By writing these stories well, I can learn how to communicate in ways that hopefully bring others some measure of peace and happiness as well. Together, we might even be able to imagine a world where we relate to one another better -- and go out into this one to make that a reality.

That's really all I have. I write because I want to think deeply about the things that matter, find ways to express what I think about them, and help others feel a bit less shitty about the world crumbling all around us. I want to be better about writing consistently so I'm less disturbed by the stormy gale of news outside and the shifting, unsteady landscape of my emotions. I want to learn how to be steady, so I can at least trust myself if nothing else. 

I'll keep working on becoming that person. I'm truly grateful to all of you who are patiently rooting for me. It means a lot to have your support, now more than ever.