RJ Ramblings

Hey everybody. Today is going to be a bit of a rough one. I'm really sad and I'm going to talk about it. A bit of a trigger warning here regarding cancer and death as well, if that is going to upset you. It really might.

Me writing this doesn't mean that I'm reaching out for help, or that I need advice, or that I need a shoulder to cry on, so don't slip into my DMs trying to do any of that. I appreciate the concern and the empathy, but I'm okay and I have family and friends who are there for me. I'm just sharing with you my feelings, because that's what these posts are about and this time it might actually impact the game.

My partner (Mango) was raised by her Mom, her Aunt (Tia) who is also her mom's twin sister, and Tia's girlfriend (now wife). Mango's father was never really in the picture much and later Mango's mom ended up switching teams and dating women instead and has had a girlfriend for the entire time that I've known them (about 10 years). So, we've always joked that Mango has four moms. You might have seen me say that we're going to go visit my partner's moms. It's really true. All four of them are like moms to my partner. Closer to her than my mom is to me. Way closer to her than my aunts are to me.

I wanted to establish that, because when I say that my partner's aunt was diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer last Wednesday, I want you to understand that this isn't just "my partner's aunt". This is Tia. Who is like a mom. Who is extremely important to us and our family.

Of Mango's four moms, and my mom too, Tia was the strongest and the one that I thought would live the longest. She was active, happy, loved her job, loved her family, healthy, fun. When I saw her yesterday, she had shrunk down to half her size and looked like just a puddle in her bed. It's heartbreaking.

And it happened so suddenly. We saw them at Christmas and everything was great. Then in February she started feeling bad. She thought it was a UTI or something at first. Just pain in her abdomen. It took them until last Wednesday to say definitively it was cancer. By that point, it had already spread all over, and was inoperable. The doctor told them two weeks and put her on hospice. It was so fast. Two months between, "I'm feeling a little sick" and "I'm dying." Nobody was ready for it. She's only 51 years old.

She's at home right now, her family taking care of her. I took Mango down there over the weekend and Mango is staying, probably until Tia passes, however long that may be. I could stay, but I feel useless and there are already so many people there that I think I would just be taking up a bed. Tia's family from Mexico are in town helping too. Everybody saying their goodbyes. It's like a fucking nightmare. I can't believe it's real.

I'm sad not only at losing Tia, but I feel like we're losing our whole family. Nothing is going to be the same after this. Tia's wife, who has been with her for almost thirty years, is destroyed. I don't know how she's going to survive this. She's older, in her sixties, and already in not so great health. We always thought she would go first. Tia always worried about her falling or something. Now she's trying to figure out how to keep living after all of this. Mango's mom, Tia's twin sister, is in denial right now. She thinks that Tia is going to survive this, that they're going to be able to go on vacations together again. It's all just too much.

And I am so sad for Mango, because I know how much she loves to spend time with her family, go on trips together, have holidays together, and talk on the phone all the time, and all of that is gone now. Nothing is ever going to be the same.

I went through all of this about 12 years ago when I lost my dad. He was only 51, also. Way too fucking young. Dad's sickness had been a long-term thing. He had neurofibromatosis, like Kendra does in the game. Still, his death changed everything. Nothing was ever the same afterwards. No more family visits. My mom has never really been happy again. It just tears me up that Mango is having to go through this now too.

51 years is not enough time to live. Two weeks is not enough time to say goodbye.

So that's what I've been going through the last week. I'm pretty fucked up right now. I'm at home at the moment, alone. I came back home yesterday. Somebody has to take care of the house and the dogs. Plus, my mom still needs help also. She had to go to the ER about three weeks ago with blood clots in her lungs and is on an oxygen machine right now, unable to walk around without her oxygen dropping low.

I don't do very well when my partner's not at home. It's hard for me to sleep and it's hard for me to work. I'm doing the best I can though. Please don't tell me not to work and to take time off, because I don't know what else I would be doing right now. There's nothing for me to do except work and move forward and try to be there and take care of things as they come.

It's very likely that I'll have to take some time off again in the near future though, to go back down to be with Mango and her family. So it's possible that the release of the game gets delayed. Everything is unsure at the moment.

I probably won't type any more long tearful posts like this one about Tia, but I'll let you guys know what happens in these Ramblings.

I'm going to be okay. I love you all. Take care and hug your loved ones.