Better days are coming (sad entry, read at your own risk!)

At least I hope they are. I've been going through some tough times lately. My mother has become so much worse in the past weeks that she can barely walk. I need to be there daily to take care of basic stuff like washing dishes, cleaning around the flat, and doing other household chores. I don't mind in the slightest obviously, but it's getting to me seeing her almost every day looking weaker and weaker. She was once a beautiful flower and now she's wilting away and I can't do a damn thing about it. Cancer is so horrible. It's such a terrible disease that rips people apart just because they were unlucky with a stupid cell mutation. This disease doesn't care who you are or what you did in life...good or bad. It indiscriminately cuts down whoever it can. 

I look at this world and I cover my eyes in exasperation. So many people spend so much money on making more money, greeding for the sake of greed. Instead of putting that money to good use like researching cures for heavy diseases such as cancer, people get paid hundreds of millions to kick a ball between two goalposts. Onlyfans "creators" get millions from nothing more than simple porn all the while scientists can't advance our species because there is never enough funding for them. I don't even want to get into the business that is war...

Sometimes, I really hate this world. How cruel it can be. How little chance I have to change anything about it. 

And other times, I love this world. For the time it gave me with my mother, for all the smiles and the laughs. For the great talks with friends, for the nights spent cuddling with a loved one. 

This is yet another post of frustration about everything. Some days are really bad, like this one. I don't feel sane at times. I feel like bursting into crying. I sometimes stop myself, but when I hear my mother cough, my heart breaks and I feel like I could fall down a well of endless desperation. I have to talk to people about funerals and paperwork for the death of a loved one. I need to pay thousands for these things and here I am, wanting nothing else than for my mom to be ok again. I would give so much to give her a few more years of smiles and joys, however big or small they would be.

I apologize if these types of entries are bothering you. I did consider writing this all down only on my PC and keeping it for myself. But I feel like I need to know that someone out there reads what I have to write and maybe understands me, even a little. I'm all alone in this mess right now, and some days, it feels just too damn overwhelming.

My entries won't always be like this. I'm sure that I'll get to a better place someday. Time heals all. However deep the wound might be, time heals all. I pray that is the case for me as well. Sorry again.

See you in Stradia

-Hadrian Maximus