boundaries

i might do this venting thing just to feel like im dumping my thoughts somewhere. just me talking about stuff i dont want to talk about to anyone its more like.. idk i hope you learn something about it or in someway i feel heard on here since you guys are receptive. so whenever i just have something i want to write into a huge thing you can read it here if you like. 

around September of last year I experienced persistence in a very disturbing way and its.. bizarre to me for a lot of reasons. I've known this friend from when i use to work in the art district where i used to live and i didnt really know him until after i left. i had seen him around talked to him a few times but we werent really friends. after i left early mid 2019 we kind of randomly started talking to each other again. we just kind of had this unspoken constant messaging like everyday on instagram just sending each other fashion stuff and some hot gay dudes we'd see. we both were gay (that i knew of at the time) and we both had a love for fashion and just this particular type of asthetic that i dont really have anyone else to talk to about. so i really valued this relationship i had with him where we'd just randomly send posts and links and songs and stuff and it was just a nice thing to have. he'd sometimes send me risque pics of himself but he's an artist and he paints himself in that manner so for me it wasn't like a sexual thing more like an art thing. but one day in September of last year he kept.. escalating things. like it went from provodative photos of himself to some random pics of guys he does video chats with and then he just slowly started slipping in more and more dick pics and at one point he sends me his dick and he says "would you suck on this one" so me, thinking that we're still talking about some gay porn stars or like vid chats he does with other guys im like "i guess." and then he kept making it more.. sexual asking me stuff like "so are you a bottom?" "whats your favorite position?" to just straight up "i really wanna fuck you and fuck your throat" and im like oohhhhhhhhkkaayyyyyyyyyyy um. yeah no. it was the first time that someone saying that stuff to me made me feel uncomfortable. thats why i said it felt bizarre because when im the furry bara community and i get DMs like "fuck i love your ass i wanna breed you good" as long as theyre obviously of age im like aw thank you and i find it flattering! it makes me feel nice, i dont get creeped out by it, and i really appreciate it when someone says that and then they say "sorry if thats creepy" because to anyone else it would be! but for me its.. just.. it makes me happy. it makes me feel attractive and wanted. i dont mind it, its fun and i enjoy it. but when he was talking to me in this way it made me feel so.. uncomfortable and disturbed and like ughhh.. like at that moment i realize how women feel when they want to dress nice and a guy like cat calls them, its just this uncomfortable scary feeling of like eheh.. thanks.. but please stop. dont get any closer. he's a very feminine man. obviously as you can see from my art, im not into feminine men, im very much into masculinity and just.. manly things sexually. like i can appreciate femininity in an art form and i can think its beautiful sometimes and hell there are some women that i find gorgeous and i would ask on a date but mainly i like.. you know, bears, bellies all that. lately ive gotten a taste for just any guy of any shape with a good ass and hole and obviously dick, and im happy about that but like.. he over all is extremely feminine so i tried to tell him "hey man i love talking to you but im not really into feminine guys like you, sorry" and then he said sorry and we stopped. a few weeks later he starts just.. randomly doing the same thing. and i tried to just shrug it off cause i thought i already made it clear and luckily he didnt continue that time. but then a third time earlier this year he just keeps.. going and saying shit and im like legit sending shit post memes and pictures of my cat back to say im not interested and he just didnt fucking get it and then the next morning he said "you made me cum last night" and im just thinking. DUDE I LITERALLY JUST SEND YOU VIDEOS OF MY CAT RUNNING AROUND MY LIVING ROOM AND ME MAKING FOOD WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MADE YOU CUM. so  tried to say again like "hey i thought i made it clear that im not interested and that im not into you and thats not that youre unnattractive its just that youre not my type" and he said sorry ill stop. and im like okay thank you. and today. out of fucking nowhere. bam. a vid of him jacking off. and im just... i dont fucking know what to do. i know the simple response is just block him but i value our friendship and i like the relationship i have with him that we send artsy fashion stuff, i cant talk about that with anyone else so itd be losing that but he just... i feel sexually harassed. and its just online. it feels bizarre cause ive been raped, ive been sexually harassed multiple times and they were all awful but this like in my mind feels like that same helpless feeling where i just feel cornered and helpless. it feels so fucking fucked. and again, its WEIRD. cause when i hear this shit from anyone in the fandom i find it flattering and it makes me feel nice! i even find like some guys that get pervy with me cute, even though i know i should be creeped out by it, but like how much they wanna see more of me and how descriptive they are some of them are like WOOF its hot. but with him. it feels so. awful. it feels disturbing it feels fucked it feels rapey. and i hate it because if im annoyed with how someone is talking to me in the fandom i can easily be like stop. enough. like im pretty cold and blunt most of the time so it doesnt happen often but when it does i can easily tell them to stop or just block them and shit. it feels like a helpless situation. i think i need to just block him cause telling him no 3 times already apparently isnt enough.

and reminder, i dont mind bold sexual stuff from my followers. as long as we're all adults i think it can be fun especially if there's mutual interest. so dont take this huge random train of thought as a sign of me saying i dont want it anymore or it bothers me cause i dont mind it. i dont mind it and sometimes i enjoy it. and trust me if it does bother me im very vocal about it. thank you for taking the time to read this if you did and i guess the thing i want you to learn from this how to take a hint lol. if someone says no just.. accept it and stop. dont take advantage of people's politeness. no means no.