Ch. 138 – Thanks For the Assist

Eji swooped down behind Momo. Nura whimpered, and hugged Momo around the middle.

Momo thrust her hands out and grinned.

It’s been a while since I got to do this.

“[Abyssal Blast]!”

The eruption of dark energy didn’t just shatter the stones – it vaporized them. The murky tunnel became sharply illuminated, as if someone had shone a car-sized flashlight down a leaky drain. The artificial light blinded them like a group of cave bats, and Momo winced, shutting her eyes tightly.

“By the Gods, my tub!” the prince wailed.

As her eyes adjusted, Momo took in the scene of ridiculous opulence. The preview from the holograms barely gave a glimpse at the Let-Them-Eat-Cake lounge the prince had been occupying. It was strewn about with luxurious sea-themed oddities: a marble statue of an octopus lady in a swimsuit; three golden seashells signed by famous oysters.

And, of course – a thermal bath. Which was currently emptying itself on top of Momo’s head.

Momo clung to the pipes as the water rushed down. The liquid that was sitting idly in the pool came first, dousing them like Splash Mountain. The pipes came next, bursting with turrets of sharp-shooting liquid. They mostly shot upwards, raining down on them like an aggressive, boiling fountain.

“Watch out!” Momo squeaked.

She moved back and forth frantically on the platform to avoid the spurting water. It was so hot that it turned to steam the moment it hit her skin, scalding like lava from a volcano. Nura shared in her discomfort, screaming and weaving from side to side.

“This is the most pathetic assassination attempt I’ve ever been involved in,” Eji grumbled, the hot water bouncing off his shell. “Good luck to you two, I’m dealing with the tentacled asshole.”

From above, a set of four guards peered over the edge of the busted pool. They were the same knights the prince had been using for armrests and step stools. Small men, all chosen for their meager size – optimal for using as furniture – but stalwart and armored. They looked more bewildered than scared by the intrusion.

Eji quickly turned the tides on that.

He shot upwards, stilling midair as he brandished his blades. The attack that followed was so swift it was barely visible – his daggers unsheathing from their leather pockets and finding purchase directly in the necks of three of the men. Blood gushed out, raining down just as gratuitously as the water.

“Oh my god,” Momo paled.

The men fell immediately, slouching down into the hole and throttling past Momo and Nura, banging against the pipes and the walls on their way down to the bottom of the cave. Momo had to turn her gaze, it was too gorey – overly gruesome. Nura was already a wet mess of tears.

“Come on,” Momo said, squeezing Nura’s hand. “Just a little more. Then you’ll see your sister.”

Momo hoisted herself up on the rim of the remaining pool and rolled into the observation deck. Nura did the same, with a smidgen less finesse. They were greeted by a completely disoriented fourth guard, who was staring unblinkingly down the hole. She knew he was still a Holy Knight, but Momo still felt terrible for him. Those were his fellow chairs-men.

“Hey there,” Momo said, eyebrows furrowed. “Sorry about your friends.”

He raised his head slowly, eyes still as wide as saucers.

“I was always the right armrest,” he mumbled, his throat wobbling. “What am I supposed to do without Roody? He was always the left one. Without him, the chair’s all imbalanced. Where’s the prince going to put his left arm?”

Momo frowned. She squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

“I think maybe you can take this as a wake up call,” she said. “You’re meant for more than just being a chair. I’m sure you’re useful for other things. Better things.”

“Not in the slightest. Went to school for this for years. Every test in the kingdom told me this was my calling. Not to mention the chair-guy retirement pension,” he said, coughing up a sob. “Unbeatable. Just unbeatable. Was going to pay for my son’s sons to go to man-throne school.”

“Right,” she nodded uncertainly, “right…”

Momo’s gaze lifted as she heard a shrill scream.

It was the prince. Eji was on him already, threatening a blade underneath his neck. All of the prince’s tentacles were gripped around the turtle’s wrist, trying their very best to delay the inevitable.

“You don’t want to do this, you tortoise-shaped fool,” the prince gasped, gritting his teeth. “My father will do more than eat you. He will consume you. You think being grilled is the worst fate? Imagine an oven at the same temperature as Holy Light itself. It goes beyond scathing, it’s –”

“Shh. It’s dinner time,” the turtle said, and smiled.

Momo’s face dropped. She reached out a useless hand, but it was too late.

Eji chopped the prince’s head off. Momo frantically covered Nura’s eyes.

The prince’s head rolled across the floor, stopping at the base of the marble statue. Separated from his body, it looked just like a fresh catch from the sea – the kind of thing sailors would haul in by the netload. The tentacles were still squirming, little succulent pods gasping for the last breaths of life. Eventually, after several, silent seconds, they stilled.

“Hoooooly shit,” Momo inhaled, blinking fast and slow. Her voice had completely left her body. “I said we could beat him up a little. Not… sashimi him.”

This isn’t just some rude octopus, Momo thought, her mind reeling. That was King Jarva’s son. The one he was willing to trade Sera for. This is bad. Really bad. Chaotic-evil bad.

“Can I look now?” Nura whimpered. “Is it over?”

Momo still had her hands around the smaller girl’s eyes.

“Not yet,” Momo said, eyeing the octopus head.

Eji sheathed his blades, stepping away from the body. The prince’s human remains were still sitting upright in his chair, dressed to the nines like a talk-show host – the black suit and tie, the freshly-scrubbed leather boots. If you were to look at him now, you’d think he was a run-of-the-mill human late night comedian. Well, a decapitated late night comedian.

With the most comically brutal timing, Momo’s courier drifted in through the hole in the pool, floating upwards and sideways until it landed in her lap. Her unfocused eyes skimmed over it, unable to process what was happening.

Congratulations! Kyros is going to HATE you for this! Great job, Momo!

For breaking out the deadliest criminal in all of Death Row, Eji the Turtle Ninja, otherwise known as Eji the Bloodthirsty, and inadvertently aiding in the assassination of King Jarva’s son, The Prince of Jarvirium, you have reached level 10 in [Corrupted Druid].

This is the [Intermediate] level cap. While you can continue earning skills outside this class, you cannot learn anymore skills from [Corrupted Druid].

Based on your attributes and previous actions, you can choose to evolve this class into one of the following [Expert] classes:

Momo swallowed hard – her brain pulsing. She couldn’t keep reading. She stuffed the parchment in her pocket. I’ll choose a class later. She could barely relish in the excitement of reaching Expert. All she could think about was the octopus head sitting just a foot from her, and the suspicious silence from the crowd outside.

“Looks like the Holy Mages are running out of steam,” Eji commented apathetically, gazing out the window. “Can’t blame them. If I saw my boss get murdered on Holy Knight TV, I’d probably rethink things too.”

Her body on autopilot, she staggered upwards, joining him by the window.

She immediately saw what he meant.

Every holographic screen in the stadium was replaying the murder over and over again on an endless loop. The prince’s arm had accidentally slouched over the dashboard, turning on the loop and remix function, which took the last fifteen recorded seconds and added full sound effects, filters, soundtracks.

Momo watched the prince get beheaded in every fashion known to the modern, social-media scrolling man. Murdered with cat ears on. Beheaded in film grain. Sepia. An anime filter. Extra eyelashes. With freckles. With Indian soap-opera style-editing where every half millisecond, the camera shot from a different angle and applied a BOOM! sound effect.

As every person in the stadium watched with the rapt attention of a toddler in front of an iPad, the net of light that was holding the cloud titan hostage in the sky faded. The consequences were immediate – the hundreds upon hundreds of cloud grunts that were previously being contained poured into the arena like elephant-sized hail.

It was more than a cloud fall. It was a cloud avalanche.

“Anywho, thanks for the assist,” Eji grunted, with all the gratitude of a boulder. “I’m not going to wait around to see how this ends. Ciao.”

Before Momo could say something, the turtle jumped from the side of the observation deck. He plummeted over the side of the amphitheater, skidded onto the streets, then broke out into a jog towards the inner limits of the city.

Momo couldn’t blame him for leaving the party early. It’s not everyday you kill the King’s son.

It’s also not everyday you help kill the King’s son.

She swallowed, gazing down at the field of cloudy bedlam. The knights were severely outmatched and outnumbered – not to mention without a leader. The guests were flooding out of the theater by the droves, the grunts laying waste to the arena’s very foundation.

It was only a matter of time before the cloud beasts finished off the opera house, and started towards the city. A city with a population in the hundreds of thousands, most of which lived in buildings with no fire escapes.

Momo gripped the Oblivion shards in her pocket, and turned towards Nura.

“We need to find your cousin.”