Side Story: Valerica In America (Ch. 2)

To celebrate us passing 100 patrons and 100 chapters of Momo, this is another chapter of the AU Side Story Valerica in America. You can read the previous installment of Valerica in America here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/side-story-in-75973972

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Valerica recognized a power vacuum when she saw one – and Gods, Barbara Hall needed a strong leader like a starving animal needs food. It was like staring into a sweaty, post-adolescent void, an eldritch abomination of bureaucracy. It was so beautifully damned that it made Valerica blush.

Morgana had identified a place in need of revitalization, and Valerica was the perfect tool for the job.

Her first order of business? The decor. It required more than a [Raise Undead] spell could do for it. The common room of the dormitory was effectively a shrine to mediocrity. It was as if Valerica had stepped into the drabbest room in the drabbest castle in Alois – plain, aged carpet, wallpaper that was shedding off the wall, and prehistoric lamps that required pulling an odd string to activate.

Then there was – as aforementioned  – the leadership issue. She encountered it firsthand when she joined Momo at their so-called meet and greet. It took place in the depressing dormitory, on one of the depressing couches, of which Valerica chose not to sit in, but to lean mysteriously on.

“Welcome, freshman!” an overexcited man in an outrageously boring polo shirt exclaimed. He wove his hands around frantically in some kind of cult-like signal. Most of the people in the room – younglings Valerica presumed to be these fresh men – waved back awkwardly.

It was all very unnerving to watch.

The one exception was Valerica’s dear new friend Momo. The girl did not wave, or move. In fact, Valerica was not certain she was breathing. It was a tasteful response to such a distasteful display.

“I’m Jared, your RA. That means Resident Assistant,” he said with a wink. Valerica did not understand the use of the wink, as nothing fun or flirtatious was said. “I will be–”

Valerica raised her hand.

Jared stopped and blinked, taken aback.

“Can we hold questions until after I’m done?”

Valerica cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, you weren’t done?”

“Ah,” he laughed nervously. “Not yet.”

“Oh, then, as you were.”

He reluctantly continued. “I will be your go-to guy whenever you need help navigating campus life. Freshman year was a hard one for me – I got my heart broken, my guinea pig died, I lost a friend to Computer Science. I know how tough it can be, and I’m here for you.”

“Is Computer Science some sort of venereal disease?”

Jared stopped again, glaring at her. The fresh men on the couch all laughed. Valerica wasn’t sure why they were laughing. It was an honest inquiry.

“Um, no. No it is not. But haha, funny,” he said, frowning. “Anyway. This is a crucial year for you all. A year that will decide your fate. The year that you all will pick your majors. But that all comes next week. This week – freshman week – is all about making friends, joining clubs, and making Boonville your home away from home.”

Boonville. What a curious name. Valerica supposed it was the city that this atrocity of a dormitory was based in. She hoped the exterior was less drab than the interior.

“Now, before we get to socializing, we have to run through some basic rules.”

Jared cleared his throat loudly.

“No drinking. Especially if you’re under 21. We will bust your ass, and we will throw you out.”

Valerica raised her hand again.

Jared scowled. “What?”

“Does one not have to drink to survive?”

The couch of college students laughed again, louder this time. Even Momo cracked an amused smile. Valerica still wasn’t sure what she was doing – but she was happy to get a grin out of the girl.

“Very funny. I see we have found the Hall comedian,” Jared grumbled. “That is called alcoholism. If you really think that, I recommend you reach out to the university health center.”

“Oh, alcohol!” Valerica hummed. “I see, I see. You people with your ban on the divine wine. I’ve heard about this Earthly custom years ago, but didn't believe it to be true."

Valerica turned to the couch.

“If anyone would like to have a drink, I promise you me and Momo's room will be brimming with the finest selection,” she winked. The couch stared at her in a mix of terror, confusion, and awe. Momo stared at her in abject horror.

“I’m sorry, what?” Jared was completely taken aback. It looked like a vein might pop out of his skull. “You can’t just advertise that you’ll be engaging in underage drinking. I’ll have to search your room for that, you know.”

“It was a joke, Jared. Don’t you all have those? Or have you outlawed humor as well as fun?”

“That’s not a very funny thing to joke about. In fact, it's a serious crime --”

“Well, then. Now that we’re done with the guidelines, how about introductions?” Valerica grinned, strolling up to where Jared stood. She stood beside him, dwarfing him in height by about a foot, and made eye contact with the trembling lot of fresh meat – err, fresh men.

“What are you doing?” Jared gawked. “Sit down.”

“I’m Valerica, pleased to meet you all,” she smiled. “What other pleasantries are customary in your culture? Do I give my age, or my body count?”

At the word body count, the students blushed bright red.

“Oh, I get it,” Jared shook his head. “You’re not from here. That’s why you’re like this. Sorry, I didn’t mean to be culturally insensitive. You must be one of those… exchange students.”

Valerica cocked her head to the side, confused.

“Whatever. As Valerica said, let’s do introductions. We’ll break into groups of five, and each go through a few icebreakers. You should tell them your name, your age, where you’re from, and then two truths and a lie.”

Before Valerica could inquire about the last part, Jared gave her an exhausted look and stalked away, retreating to the corner of the room to sip a Capri Sun. Left to their own devices, the students from the couch began obediently dividing themselves. Well, every student except Momo. Momo was just staring at her.

“Why don’t we form our own group, you and I,” Valerica grinned, offering Momo a hand. Momo blushed furiously, refusing to take it. “Oh, come on. This will be fun.”

Silently, Momo got up from the couch, joining Valerica.

“I’ll start,” Valerica said, clapping her hands together excitedly. “I’m Valerica, I’m from a small unfortunate town called Morte. It wasn't called that when I was born, but it was called that when I left. I’m well – how does one translate to mortal years – a slight bit older than you are, and… I didn’t quite understand the last instruction. Would you mind enlightening me, dear Momo?”

“Two truths and a lie?” she squeaked.

“Yes, that curious little detail.”

“Oh, um…” Momo stuttered. “Well, you’re basically supposed to say two things that are true about yourself, one thing that’s a lie, and then the other person guesses which is which.”

“Oh,” Valerica’s eyes glowed red. “That sounds fun. I can’t believe Jared thought of it.”

“Well, I don’t think it was his original idea…”

“No matter, I will go ahead with it then. Hmm. Well firstly, my body count is over three thousand. Of course the War helped with that. Second, my favorite seasoning is botulinum toxin. And third, I heard someone mention the word vegetable earlier, and I have no idea what that means.”

Momo blinked at her.

“I’m not sure how any of those could be the truth,” she answered softly.

“Oh, really?” Valerica laughed. “But they all are. I suppose I forgot to lie.”

The speechless blinking continued.

“How about you, then? What are your icebreakers?” Valerica said, pinching the side of Momo’s shoulder.

“Oh,” Momo said, coming out of her paralysis. “Well, I’m… Momo. I’m from San Francisco, but my family moved around a lot. I’m 20, I think.”

“San Francisco? What a fun little name. You’ll have to tell me all about it.”

Momo blushed again. “Sure, well.. And… my two truths…”

She looked upwards, thinking hard.

“My favorite animal is my cat Luna. My favorite TV show is Bluey, about a family of cartoon dogs, and the scariest moment of my life was when I rode a scooter into a brick wall and nearly died.”

Valerica had never seen a more intense look of concentration on anyone in her entire life than Momo, in that moment, trying to summon three facts about herself.

“The lie is the scooter, because I don’t know what a scooter is,” Valerica guessed.

“Oh,” Momo said, eyes widening. “I forgot to lie, too.”

Valerica grinned. She was definitely going to like this girl.