I'm not a bad person

Hello all. It is a beautiful day today outside— but inside me, it is anything but.

This morning I uploaded what I thought was an innocuous piece of video poetry about my relationship. The response threw me into a tailspin it is likely that I will never recover from.

I am an incredibly sensitive person. A very good friend of mine who I once considered my soul mate and has since betrayed me once told me that I am great at “Taking the temperature of the room.”

It’s true. I have the opposite of autism. I can instantly sense exactly how someone is feeling and what they are thinking, likely better than they can.

So I pretty instantly picked up on the “vibe” after posting this video this morning. Something was very wrong. This was not turning out how I expected, AT ALL.

The video is raw. The video is vulnerable. If you haven’t seen it, the title of the video is, “What it’s like to love your partner less than they love you.”

We have all been there. I’m experimenting with “relatable” content.

I’m currently writing the next episode of the podcast, which I’m hoping to have out in the coming days, and I explore the notion of relatable content heavily. I’ve often had difficultly relating to anyone on the superficial, shallow, surface level that most content creators attempt to.

In order to find what I have in common with most people, I have to dig deeper, and articulate something about the human experience they might otherwise be aware of on a conscious level.

I’m in a new relationship. The typical things we consider hallmarks of a relationship-- love, affection, understanding-- are of no interest to me. Almost everyone who has ever existed has experienced love in the traditional sense.

What else is there to be found in a partnership with another person? 

How can people be used in ways no one has ever done, to achieve things no one has ever thought possible? 

With the hearts of my lovers, I'm like a playful child. I poke and prod to see what will happen. 

By dating me, you willingly subject yourself to this experimentation. My partners are free to leave at any time.

They choose not to. Because they know that you have to crack a couple eggs to make an omlette. 

When Luis and Clarke explored the American frontier, they didn't turn around halfway through and go home because Luis got scared. And now, we get to enjoy the beautiful Pacific Northwest (not me personally, I would not be caught dead in this region due to the disgusting weather and White Nationalist stronghold). 

My point is, the video went to an emotionally vulnerable place most people wouldn't dare. Watch it if you haven't. Film is a visual medium, and attempting to describe the contents of the short film would detract from the experience of everyone who has already watched it by sheer principle.

I was at least aware of THIS PORTION OF IT. I figured the comments would reflect the daring gravitas that has become a hallmark of my material. It would be harder to find a video where someone HASN'T commented "You're a genius." 

But this was different. Somehow, people got it in their heads that I don't love my partner. That I'm hurting them in any way. 

This is patently untrue. Just because I do not love my partner AS MUCH AS THEY LOVE ME, does not mean there is NO LOVE there. 

Of course I love them. They are my rock. They keep me grounded. 

Am I supposed to love them more than anybody has ever loved anyone in the history of the planet Earth or else I'm a bad person? 

Sue me for in touch with my emotions enough to acknowledge that I'm not perfect. 

My partner knows fully well that I love them less. I've never told them this, but I don't have to-- nor should I have to. It is present in everything we do and it is readily self-apparent to anyone who is not a total moron. 

I shouldn't have to say any of this, and it was probably a mistake to even try. My relationship is none of your business. My private affairs I prefer to keep private. It's not like I'm posting all about my relationship all over social media.

And if you're worried on behalf of my partner, save it. They are fine. They have no ability to access the internet at this point in time.

If you're worried about me, thank you, but this isn't my first rodeo. Being an artist means pushing boundaries-- and if anything, I'm happy that people got their knickers in a twist over the film, because it means deep down they probably know I am exactly right.

Something I've found throughout my personal life is that if somebody gets mad at you, it's usually because you are right.

I have completely lost interest in continuing to discuss this in any way, so I will summarize with this. I am a nice person. I'm REAL. Ask my Grandmother. 

At least when I behave in a way that appears to other lesser intelligent people that I'm doing something that could be considered morally wrong, I'm fully transparent about it. I don't do whatever I want and then pretend to be a good person like everybody else.

So if you ever get it in your head that something I do or say is "wrong," quote unquote, remind yourself that this is not the case for reasons that are likely beyond your understanding. 

I'm glad I was able to clear this up. You're welcome.