Transcript - "Love is a poison" (YouTube)

Recently somebody asked me a question that was so dumb that when I first heard it, I wanted to laugh in the person's face. But it was also so offensive that I was worried if I laughed at its stupidity, I would vomit from its noxious ignorance. The question was, Are you dating anyone? Now I'm sure that the person who asked it had good intentions.

But so does a rat when it climbs out of your toilet from the sewer. And despite the rats good intentions, The only appropriate response in this scenario is to snap its neck and throw it in the dumpster. Were we not in a public place, this is likely exactly what I would have done. But the more I thought about it, the happier I was that I didn’t.

Because people like this are no better than junkies on the street. And to have any further reaction to their incoherent ramblings besides cold indifference would be dignifying them in a way that they don't deserve. And as I thought about why they would have asked me something like this, I embarked on a long, perilous journey through the galaxy of my own mind.

I searched the deepest, darkest crevices of the nether realm to piece together its hidden secrets. So to find the answer, we have to start at the very beginning. Our lives, as far as we know, start when we're born. When the hand of God reaches into the dark, nothingness closes its face on the unseen sludge and thrusts it randomly out into the light of day.

And the world we’re thrown into as a hot, dry, inhospitable desert. To survive in this environment, the raw material from which we came has to harden into a sickly crust baked by the unforgiving elements of our society. Some people are born straight into the path of an oncoming semi-truck and they're immediately run over. Some people are picked up by the talons of a passing falcon and they saw high into the big blue sky above us all.

But no matter what, we all understand the unchanging truths of our environment. The sun rises in the morning and it sets in the evening. We don't have to go through it alone. If we're lucky, we can find someone equally as ugly as us and fall in love with them. Being in love feels good because we can look into the eyes of another person and see the oblivion from which we came.

Even though we don't remember it. Having sex feels good because we plunge our fist back into the oblivion and pull out another person. But all of this comes at a cost. We have to sacrifice as much of ourselves that we want to receive back from the other person. Love sucks out our soul. We sacrifice our autonomy and allow God to play with our lifeless corpse like a child playing with its dollies.

I've been in love many times and it made me sick. I watched my lifeless corpse do the disgusting things it did for love. All the while I was screaming for my mommy in the back seat. I looked on with horror as the car sped further and further to the lobotomy clinic. And even though that love had me ball gagged with my hands tied behind my back, I mustered up all the strength I could to grab the steering wheel and force the car off a cliff because I knew it was my best chance of escaping.

I often compare love to an addictive drug. And like all drugs, it will drive you to the top of the highest mountain. But once you get there, there is no brakes. It'll drive you straight through the big sign that says Stop. There is no road here. And there's only one way down after that. If you are in a relationship, know that your partner doesn't love you.

They're a parasite who cracked open the top of your heart and started sipping on it like a bottle of soju so that they can get drunk off of you to numb the misery of their own lives. And once they've sucked out every last drop of you they can. They'll crush you and toss you into the trash. Now, you're probably thinking, No, Dan, my partner loves me, and we have a healthy relationship where we support each other and lift each other up.

But, you know, that's bullshit you're suckling like a binky. When your community theater production of your stupid little life finally ends and the lights come up, you'll see you were performing to an empty room. And you'll have no choice but to bow anyway, hoping maybe there's a cockroach in the wall who might care. I know I won't be there.

I'll be sleeping soundly in my bed knowing I tried to warn you. Love is a poison. And now, for your own sake, I hope it kills you.