Shadowcroft Year 3 - Chapter Fifty-Three

Saturday morning, Logan and his friends were all in the ring, sitting in a variety of plush, comfy chairs when the professors marched into the arena.

The rector prime, Yullis Rockheart, led the way down the aisle with nearly a dozen other professors in tow. Professor Suresh the Merciful came next followed by Professor JJ Kobold, who fervently clutched a briefcase with his screenplay tucked away inside.

Logan was surprised to see Professor Ahrah-Koonem Gilligan in the line-up. Gilligan twitched, then took nips from a rune-inscribed flask he’d pull from a denim jacket that matched his filthy bellbottom jeans. The raccoon man’s tie was a one huge splash of tie-dye that reminded Logan of the Grateful Dead. In complete contrast was Professor Darnol Zeggenerschwar, who was clean-shaved and as squared away as a solider going before for a promotional review board. He wore spit shine black boots, crisply pressed camouflage bottoms, and a black muscle shirt that showed off massive beef-slab arms.

Their professors from Shadowcroft had come, but their teachers from their off-world classes were there as well. Inga’s Cosmic Insect teacher, Professor Slim Thinnerman, a stick insect in a suit. Professor Donald Crucible from Treacle’s armor class—he looked exactly like his brother Ronald Crucible—same broad facial features and bushy mustache—with a few notable exceptions. But the ogre had dreadlocks, wore paisley armor, and stood in plus-sized Birkenstocks, studded with chunks of iron.

He looked like a pacifist dungeon core all right, which is probably why his armor was so good.

Professor Rick wore his customary golden suit, and he looked completely put together. Ranking up had really helped his confidence. Lori had come along, and she buzzed around him in a black and yellow cloud. Rick looked comfortable even though he was travelling with one of the scariest clown entities that Logan had ever seen. Marko’s off world teacher, Nick Nicklewise. The professor wore horrific makeup that Logan couldn’t look at directly. He was decked out in a custom clown suit with the huge fuzzy buttons up the front, though again, Logan didn’t let his gaze linger long.

He didn’t want to risk his sanity.

Marko, though, was thrilled to see his teacher. “Nicklewise! You are killing itwith that outfit. You have that it factor. You are living it up.”

Logan opened his mouth to ask about all the emphasis, and then decided against it.

Rockheart snapped his finger. “Dungeon cores, down from the ring if you please. Conjure a set of chairs for us up there.” He pointed to a viewing box, overlooking the arena floor. “We shall sit, as a panel, to give you an oral assessment and your final grades.”

Professor Suresh rubbed his claws together. “I so enjoy public humiliation.”

Logan was having none of that. “No,” he said matter-of-factly. “This is our inner sanctum, and we’re way too comfortable to move. Let’s all just chat from where we are now.”

Rockheart scowled. “Oh, since you and Mr. Nobleblade are A-Class now, do you think we’re peers now, Mr. Murray?”

“You’re A-Class, and I’m A-Class,” Logan replied with a shrug. “You left the fate of this celestial node in our hands against a newly-ascended S-Class Dungeoneer and we won. So yeah, I think we’re peers.”

The gargoyle-griffin shook his head. “This is what happens when dungeon cores rank up too fast. They get so big for their discount britches.”

“I’m not wearing pants, Professor,” Logan said.

Marko gasped. “By the party god’s odiferous vomit, you aren’t wearing pants! Have you been naked this entire time?”

Nick Nicklewise giggled. “Oh, Mr. Laskarelis. You are a pistol. A lot of this is for show because it’s being broadcast as we speak to the Arena Suprema. I for one just wanted to see the F-Triple-C Slam Fest for myself. It’s wonderful work. Truly marvelous. Your pies were on point, you literally used the acid flower to defeat your enemy, and I have never been prouder of a student.” Was the clown professor sitting or standing? Logan didn’t know. When glanced from the corner of his eye, it almost looked like ol’ Nicklewise was composed of otherworldly lights.

Deeply unsettling didn’t even begin to cover it.

Professor Suresh rose into the air, his cape waving behind his three-piece suit. “I, on the other hand, have never been more disappointed. If it were up to me alone, I would fail you in a heartbeat. Every one of the fights came down to the wire. Why, if any of the Ninth Circle had been here, the whole event would’ve been far less fraught with drama. For shame. F-minuses for all of you!”

Professor Darnol glared at the Rakshasa and flex a powerful bicep—a thunderclap boomed across the stadium in response. “Hear me now, and believe me later, Professor Suresh. These students have ranked, over and over, and they were put through the ultimate workout. The workout of the mind. They did what many certified dungeons could never do, and they deserve our respect for their endurance and commitment.”

Rockheart crossed his arms and scowled at both professors—this evaluation was unorthodox, and he loathed unorthodox.

Professor Rick stood up on chairs on in the third row, making him a little easier to see in the throng of towering guardians. “I know, Lori, I’ll tell them. I just want it on record that Logan Murray is the best student I’ve ever had in my class. He’s helped fungaloids who have been stuck for years. He should be passed with the highest grades possible. He’s an A+ student, as are his friends. I’d go to bat for them any day of the week.”

The floating Suresh’s chuckle was cruel and dismissive. “Well now, Professor Rick, despite your tacky suit, you’re not exactly the gold standard when it comes to academics. You’re not even a real professor. You’re just some dirty adjunct who teaches because he can’t protect.”

Logan jumped off his chair and took a step toward the tiger man. “That’s enough, Professor Suresh. I don’t know why you’re suddenly gunning for us, but keep the comments focused on our performance, and not on any of the esteemed faculty here. Whether you like it or not, Professor Rick is your peer too, and I wouldn’t have been able to beat Lou Shador without his help.”

At the word esteemed, Professor Gilligan scratched his ears and then swung at insects that weren’t there. He sat there, twitching, and then took another nip from his flask.

Professor Kobold also got up on his chair, but not before retrieving the screenplay from his briefcase. “Have to agree with Professor Rick. I’ll admit, I’ve been a little distracted this year—I may have even had them watch the entire Devil McClure collection. In truth, it was Inga who basically taught the class. If the dungeoning doesn’t work out, that Marko Laskarelis has a future in voice-acting, believe you me. As for Logan, he’s the plucky hero destined for greatness. No, Professor Suresh, it’s A+ city for these kids. Even the Ascended Torment Lord, who spent most of the year slacking.”

Inga lost it. “He wasn’t slacking. He spent the year ascending to A-Class. And he has this sword, the Soul Slayer, that he crafted while he was in his ascension cocoon. Chadrigoth then risked his life to come and help us—which no one else was willing or able to do.”

Chadrigoth nodded. “The Soul Slayer. I love it.”

“He came here against the school’s orders!” Suresh shouted. He pointed a claw at the mothmancer. “And you, Inga, turned your back on your school when it needed you the most. Because of your ineptitude during the audit, we were fined. Luckily, we have had an anonymous donor who handled the five-copper piece penalty. Five whole copper pieces. We’re lucky we didn’t close, no thanks to you.”

The rakshasa wasn’t done. “And I’ve noticed that you’re not saying much, Professor Gilligan. During the tournament Finals, this lot didn’t use any form of potion, tincture, or powder. Not a single thing from your class. Surely, you’ll have to flunk them.”

Gilligan grabbed a vial of something fizzy and purple from inside his dirty jean jacket. He chugged it down in a single gulp. The air crackled around him with Apothos as he floated upward, twitching and blinking, until he was even with Suresh. He sniffed the rakshasa. “Smells like Teen Spirit. These jokers? They came to me because the mushroom made his Blue Divine Tincture a bit too well. Then, I had them formulate the lotion, which in turn helped the crotchet pervert and the conspiracy theorist psycho goat boy ascend to Azure Branch.

“It should also be known that they also came to my office hours. No one has ever been brave enough to come to me during office hours. Which makes perfect sense because of how paranoid I am. Honestly, at first I thought they were narcs, especially the moth woman. Then I thought they were tweakers because of the crotchet pervert. Narcs and tweakers, man, my life is just narcs and tweakers. But no. Turns out they were just good students. A+s in my book.”

Professor Kobold waved his screenplay. “In other news, just wanted to share that I finally got some interest, guys. There’s a production company who will give me an offer if I rewrite the whole thing. I’m thinking another five, maybe ten years of edits, and we’ll get the green light.”

Marko gave him the thumbs up.

Logan was just glad he was a dungeon core and not a writer.

Rockheart spoke in a quiet voice. “Professor Crucible. Professor Thinnerman. What about your assessments, hmm?”

The stick insect fluttered up into air on dragonfly wings, joining Suresh and Professor Gilligan. “Inga Thosa Therian’s use of both insects and arachnids is very impressive, as is her knowledge of multiversal entomological evolution theory. A+. Without a doubt.” He continued to hover there, buzzing.

Professor Donald’s paisley armor swirled with colors, smelling like patchouli and vanilla. “Uh, wow, man. I like how freaky the professors at Shadowcroft are. I thought that most of them had sticks up their posteriors, like my rather violent brother, Ronal. But nope. Some good people work there outside the tiger-headed fascist. I enjoyed Treacle’s armor, and his the runic augmentations. Not much for haiku, myself, I prefer song lyrics. Hey, where’s Treacle’s poetry professor? Did he not make it?”

“He is here,” Professor Darnol said proudly, still flexing. “I taught that class, though I wanted it kept a secret. I want people to know me for my workouts, not my poetry. I’ve already said that I think Logan is excellent. He took my workouts to heart. He spread the word, and let people know how awesome the AMKAP workout is. It will pump up your core like never before.”

Logan titled his head. “Why didn’t you tell us Professor Darnol was your haiku teacher?”

Treacle shrugged, took out a stalk of wheat, and started munching. “You never asked.”

“Please, professors, take your seats,” Rockheart said with some authority. “We are all impressed with your flying powers, but we have nothing to prove here. That includes Professor Suresh, whom I believe is out of line. However, he has made this grading more dramatic, which helped our viewership. Not that the Council of Dungeons and the intraschool tournament committee needed any assistance on that front. The heroes won. The villains lost. Now, little boys and girls everywhere will want to be fungaloids.”

“Yay!” Professor Rick raised a fist. “Mushrooms rule!”

Rockheart looked like he disagreed, but kept his mouth shut on the matter. But maybe he had some cause for worry, Logan thought.

Yes, fungaloids were ridiculously week at first, but Logan’s connection with the mushroom misfits had taught him that the Symbiotic bond offered dungeon cores a ton of power. That power, in the wrong hands, could be devasting.

Could the rumors of the Spore Lords be true?

Rockheart pointed a talon at Inga. “You, Ms. Thosa Therian, failed your cultivation class. We needed you in the final part of the audit, and you refused to come. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Inga stood with her chin held high. “You gave me an impossible task. Impossible tasks are not meant to be completed. The minute I decided to fail the class, I ascended to B-Class, Rank 6. It was effortless. Obviously, I made the correct choice.”

Rockheart nodded and smiled. “Indeed you did. That was the lesson we wanted you to learn—that your level of perfectionism is toxic. For you, half-assing a task is equivalent to full assing a task for most people. Compared to someone like Mr. Laskarelis, I would even go so far as to say its triple or even quadruple-assing the task.”

Marko giggled. “He said ‘ass.’”

“You all pass, of course, with flying colors,” Rockheart continued. “The headmaster wanted to pass along his congratulations. You all have earned the party of a lifetime and we fully intend to give it to you.”

Professor Suresh shrugged and lounged back, his furry feet on the row of seats in front of him. “Well, it was worth a try.”

Anger flashed across Rockheart’s face. “You had your year last year, my friend. This year, it’s the Azure Dragon clan that wins. And I’m glad. For next year, Logan and the Terrible Twelfth will need the boon for their work study program.”

“If they survive,” Professor Suresh spat.

So that was why Professor Suresh came at them so hard. Of course, the Azure Branch would shoot to the top of the leaderboard. Both Chadrigoth and Logan had ascended to A-Class. And the rest of the Terrible Twelfth had made amazing gains, that had even outmatched the Backstories.

“What are the final leaderboard scores?” Logan asked.

Rockheart undid a few buttons on his vest and coat to reveal his core. The final scores flashed into the air above them.

The Azure Dragon = 2711

The Crystal Tiger = 2702

The Onyx Tortoise = 2650

The Vermilion Phoenix = 2641

Rockheart went on to explain that there had been two unfortunate deaths. One of the Backstories, Stu Stirwater the swamp dragon had been killed. In a truly unfortunate and tragic turn of event, some random monster had managed to crack his core. A freak accident that only added to the tragedy of the Backstories, though they were all working through the trauma and trying to find someone to replace Stu. Logan thought Yeez Tee just might be the perfect addition.

Rockheart said that the entire Azure Dragon would get a boon, but he didn’t say what it was. They were trying to make a deal with some powerful entities that year.

Marko leapt to his feet. “Okay, we got the boring stuff out of the way, so tell me we’re on our way to a party. This has been fun and all, but I gots to get my goat on.”

Nicklewise’s painted grin split wide, revealing rows and rows of twisted, yellow teeth. Both his uvula and epiglottis were the gateways to an unimaginable hell of utter torment. “All these teachers did some floating today, but not like we can, Marko. Tonight, you and I are going to float. We’re all going to float!” He then cackled as red balloons emerged from his mouth to hang over the assembly.

It all made Logan nauseous.

He wasn’t the only one. Rockheart covered his mouth with a silk handkerchief. He then sniffed. “We found a Spartanic Spew to take over protecting this celestial. Leo Needy is a rather talented slime gladiator that will do well here, we think. You all are free to leave.”

Logan glanced around at the mushrooms, minions, and mannequins. He was going to miss their dungeon on Thanrass. But he also knew that he and his friends were well-suited to dungeon core life. Even Marko, who now had his bathroom cleaning hobby to keep himself calm.

The professors then flew up to the ring, and they all mingled and laughed and talked about the very full year. Even Suresh was friendly.

Chadrigoth, though, stood awkwardly off to the side, not saying much.

Something was up with him, and Logan had a gut feeling about what it was.