April Blog: Being "bad" at Things! + Lovely stuff

Hello and welcome to an image-filled and deeply personal newsletter blog. Today we're covering everything that has been going on in my life as an illustrator between big projects, as well as my life as a HUMAN dealing with the things that humans deal with. 

Today's soundtrack as I type is a radio playlist based off of Kali by Salamanda. They are a duo of Korean women who make ambient electronic music. It's been my background music frequently in the last few weeks. 

The main reason I decided to start going to therapy is my lifelong struggle of being "bad" at things, or rather, not allowing myself to be bad at things. Always wanting to be the best at everything I do or try. It's not just hobbies I'm referring to either, it's every interaction, every post, every word I type. Everything is always so carefully calculated and I work so hard in every interaction I have to be the "best" at it and make the person/people on the other end satisfied, or if I'm doing it right, impressed. That's not to say my interactions aren't genuine, in fact I think I pride myself in being a very authentic and honest person. 

But I've always struggled with practicing self grace (a newer term to me, but a great one to describe it), allowing myself to try and fail, and maybe never truly succeed at what I'm working at, but not giving myself a hard time over it. I even find myself trying "to be good at" therapy. Be the best patient. My therapist reminds me there's no way to be good at therapy (and then adds, "and if there was, you'd be great at it!" which is really endearing). 

I know a lot of people my age struggle with starting up with new hobbies because of this reason. I hear people say it all the time, the curse of our generation trying something and not being good at it immediately, and then giving it up. I am definitely programmed with this curse. 

Rollerblading is hard, and it's dangerous, and it's hard to practice without the risk of getting hurt of messing up in front of others. 

Tattooing is permanent, it's a massive responsibility. Someone is trusting me with their skin for the rest of their time on earth. And it's difficult to "practice" tattooing, truly, unless you have human bodies to work on. 

Even foraging proved difficult for me at first and I almost gave up on continuing my research/forays because it was such a scary new hobby--you mess up, eat the wrong thing, and that could be your last foray. 

I watched my partner use a new vector drawing/animating program (Looom) that he seemed to pick up so quickly and I was nervous to even try it, in fears that I would never be able to use it like he did. 

And yet I'm here to say I'm being brave and pushing myself to continue all of these things, even though I know I'm not the best right now (and will never be "the best"). It's so hard, and sometimes I want to be lazy and not push myself. I mess up at all of these things all the time and progress is slow. (okay I do NOT mess up in foraging--that is a pretty scary thing to mess up--what I mean is that I'll come home with a full basket of mushrooms I cannot successfully identify). But I'm here today to share with you some of the progress I have made, and celebrating the wins, and losses, that come with trying!

Looom is my current meditative relaxing drawing activity. It's not for any clients or anything work-related at all, in fact I don't even post everything I do on there. It's just for my own exploration and enjoyment. I've mentioned maybe doing a video covering how I use the program (because I think I use it in a way that wasn't really intended, seeing as it's an animation program). Someday I will, so you can see how it works. But here's the gist:

All the art is automatically vectorized. The shapes are all flat, and Looom automatically chooses the background color for you randomly, as well as the first layer color. I try to keep my layer maximum to 6. My layers are all shape-based layers and the top layer is usually a dark line layer--the one I use to draw on details, pupils, shadows, etc. These limits work my brain in an entirely different way. Even the way the shapes are drawn is something entirely new to me, so it forces me to use a different part of my brain and be more spontaneous. 

I ended up liking it more than I thought, and I picked it up way faster than I expected! Drawing in Looom gives me the same feeling that the ambient music I linked at the beginning of the newsletter does.

Tattooing, my beloved. My scary hobby/side job that intimidates and excites me. This week I'll be taking another client in my home, and in another week I'm taking a little solo trip 4 hours north to trade with Frankee (@carrion.beetle) who gave me my first tattoo and has taught me most of what I know! In that same day I'm tattooing my friend Bird (@nepeteaa) --who is also a patron here, so everybody say hiii Bird. <3 

I'm definitely getting more comfortable with my machine, learning about hand speed vs voltage (machine speed), and what cartridges/needle sizes/needle arrangements work for me and my style of tattooing! Like I've said before, it's hard to really practice unless you have real human bodies to work on. The fake skin is helping me to learn about my machine and play around with different configurations, but the most beneficial practice comes from real-life clients.

Frankee gave me some prompts for what he'd like from me and here's the rough sheet I came up with for him to choose from:

We decided we're going with the top left design and he told me he'd love to have some orange in the design and offered to teach me about color WHILE I tattoo him! I can't tell you how fortunate I feel to have a friend/mentor who is willing to teach me stuff like this. I would never be where I'm at with tattooing if it wasn't for him--in fact, I don't think I would have even started. 

And then a month later I'll be going back to trade with his husband who saw the pumpkin wizard in the bottom left and really connected with him :') I still feel such a strong sense of anxiety and imposter syndrome when it comes to this craft, but it's supportive people and trusting friends who make it all so much more attainable. 

I love this section of the newsletter, because it forces me to stay alert and tuned into the things that I appreciate during the month. I jot things down in my notebook or my phone as they come up, in order to record them here for you. I encourage you to do the same! Sometimes it's things that I just thought were neat, and other times it's a very impactful moment of feeling thankful for someone/something. So my list for late March-mid April:

✸ Our Flag Means Death (i mean come on!!!! thank you HBO Max for my new hyperfixation)

✸ Stuff You Should Know podcast's episode on Nose Breathing which has helped me to focus on breathing for moments of anxiety and exercise

✸ Walking through quaint neighborhoods 

✸ Rainy days (gives me an excuse to stay in and work...I don't feel sunshine FOMO)

✸ Friends and family listening patiently as I freak out about my next big life move 

✸ Finding a new restaurant or cafe that you know you will return to

✸ This Vox Conversations podcast with David Hamilton (who has an excellent accent) about "woo woo" healing, meditation and wellness. I will be revisiting this one and am interested to read his books!

✸ Having wind chimes in breezy spring weather

✸ My friend Ren helping me touch up my roots and redye my hair ginger <3 (the red is here to stay)

✸ Gingham pattern, especially in pale green and tan

✸ Connecting with strangers over our tattoos

✸ ....i did graduate from a cheap coffee maker to a keurig and i feel elegant 

✸ I have dabbled in keeping up with the National Hockey League in the past but have decided to go full-force and become a real sportsman and keep up with the upcoming playoffs!

✸ Walking through gentle snow flurries (yes, we have spring weather now, but Asheville had a little snow moment the other day out of nowhere!)

✸ Monterey Bay Aquarium's youtube channel which has live aquatic footage and chill music set to recordings of squids, krill, sharks, etc

✸ blueberry chamomile tea

✸...and patreon! I love it here, and I thank you for being a part of it. This is my favorite part of my job.

♡ (˃͈ દ ˂͈ ༶ ) 🧺🌳

Happy mid-april, and I'll see you soon for a video on COLOR, as voted on by you!! 

Until next time,

-JG