CWD: OE ~ Twenty-Two

Nacho hurried over to the iron cube, trying to glean as much information about it as possible. It wasn’t flat on the ground; instead one tip was set into the floor, with the opposite corner pointing at the ceiling.

Dealing with the stress of the situation in his own way, Reuben waxed eloquent about drinks. “I would’ve loved that soda you made even if it had been fruit punch or grape or lime, but you really knocked it out of the park with the cream soda. If you can do root beer, or even sarsaparilla, I think you’ll have me as a customer for life.”

“How much did it help with your Mana?” the Brewer questioned, professional curiosity keeping her polite as the swarms of monsters continued to chew their way into the room. “Not that the taste doesn’t matter, but the important part is combat effectiveness, as Nacho’s donuts proved.”

“Mana…? Right, yeah, it totally refueled me,” Reuben answered with a dismissive wave of his hand. “My max Mana is only forty-one points, but your brew packs a walloping ninety-five. I’m swimming in the deep end of the Mana Pool. You don’t happen to have another one?”

“If you’re thirsty, please drink from your Yeti horn, not from a currently-rare Mana potion.” Brie’s interjections were curiously quiet during their conversation. Likely because she was busy braining the Fried Prisoners that were managing to eat through the blockade. Moments after having her attention called to the creatures, Jennifer joined Brie in bashing at the newfound credit farm.

Nacho called over his shoulder to his buddy. “Reuben, come and help me out? I’m losing all the fluid that I want to keep in my body, and regens cut out when Brie started killin’.”

“Ah, yeah. Whoops.” The big guy came up and wrapped the cook up in his arms. “There you go!”

Nacho’s health shot up to full, and Reuben took his hugs to heal Brie, so  everyone was running at maximum capacity. All of their Fitness Stats had dropped back to normal, and only two of the disaster donuts remained for emergency nourishment.

The cook needed to find some time to fulfill his duties and refill their larder, but if that time failed to manifest, they had to get out of combat long enough to at least buy some food for Brie. It wouldn’t have Cooking Magic, but at least it would help her with her Hunger Points and keep her able to fight.

Reaching for the cube, the first thing he did was try to lift it. The chunk of iron didn’t move one iota. Not unexpected, but annoying nonetheless. Nacho gave Reuben the penultimate donut. “Here. Upgrade your Fitness; I don’t think we have to open the cube, but we probably lift it. You and Brie should have about equal stats, but she’s busy.”

Nacho forced himself to eat the final tragic pastry while Reuben was choking his down. Then, with their Fitnesses effectively doubled, they hefted the cube together and almost leveraged it out of the hole. Reuben grunted as they strained, “Nice… one… Nacho. This has to be the answer!”

“Brie! There’s a way out!” Jennifer realized what they were doing, and the two women moved away from the door. With all of them working together, they were able to heave the Skillz Cube to the side, and a metal ladder dropped down through a chiseled stone hole into the gloom below

“No upgrades?” Jennifer looked to the others for confirmation. “Huh. I thought the Skillz Cube would contain the Skills.”

Nacho snapped his fingers, and his Firefly Potstickers went zooming down into the depths. The ladder extended down that hole, far beyond the maximum range of his light source. “There’s no opening that iron cube. Let’s see where the ladder leads.”

Brie spun and beheaded a Lightly Breaded Prisoner that was sprinting at them. More and more were wrestling their way into the room now that no one was actively working to keep them out. “I’ll hold these guys off for now! You three head down, and I’ll be right above you. I don’t think these crispy guys are able to climb down a ladder, but we need to plan as if they will just drop on top of us!”

“Let me try something. If it doesn’t work, um… don’t do it?” Nacho sheathed his knives and stuck his skillet on his back. He led the way down, thankful for his glowing food products that buzzed around him as he eased down into the blackness. Something about the descent made him deeply uncomfortable, and he had heard horror stories of ladders failing or disappearing altogether. To make matters worse, this ladder was extra-long, hundreds of feet at the minimum. But all that meant to him was that he should move fast. Keeping his lights below him, he gripped the edges of the ladder and slid.

Down, down… he picked up speed, trusting that his heat-resistant oven-mitt-gauntlets would keep his skin from being damaged by the friction.

The ground rushed into sight, and he squeezed. Almost too slowly, he came to a complete stop with only two rungs between him and a stone platform that was a good fifty feet wide and ten long. On his left was yet another ladder going down a different hole. He sent his potstickers down the next ladder until he couldn’t see them flicker. “Abyss, how far down does this go? Getting back to the surface is gonna suck. Anyway… guys! Secure area down here!”

He only needed to wait a short while for the others to join him. Even though they didn’t perfectly replicate his strategy to reach the platform, they did slide as much as they could, then scoot out of the way as fast as possible so the others could land safely. There was enough room on the other side of the platform, next to the second ladder, to allow them to comfortably stand. Just as Brie landed and moved out of the way, a mindless body dropped at terminal velocity, only to turn into a smear on the platform as it exploded into batter, bones, and mostly-cooked white meat. Most of the mess went flying away against the cave walls, but Nacho still had to wipe some of the sloshing viscera off his face. One of the fried guys had jumped, and  more were bound to follow. It seemed that while the Prisoners couldn’t climb, they could fall.

Another one came soaring down to erupt like a rotten melon.

“We can’t wait here. If those things can aim, they might just try to jump on us. I do not want to be killed by falling Fried Prisoners.” Jennifer started toward the second ladder, her swaying backpack appearing large enough to block the entire hole. “If enough come down, they’ll eventually have a soft landing. Let’s hurry.”

Nacho swung in ahead of her, followed by Reuben, then Brie. This ladder was disconcertingly long, and the group stared down its length with growing trepidation. Offering his friends a too-serious salute, Nacho stepped into open air and dropped like a stone, to a shocked gasp from the Brewer and a taunting call from Reuben, “Show off!”

The cook chuckled as he reached out and grasped the ladder, slowing his fall until his lights swooped below him once more. He relaxed his grip and increased his speed until he caught the first hint of light reflecting off the ground below. He slowed and stopped himself, hopping to the ground and peering around the gloomy cavern curiously. They were out of Welcome Dungeon, that was clear enough. “This… has to be the CruxTerran UnderFun. Skyscrapers disappearing into the stone, check. Windows flickering with light. Could electricity work here? Did they even use electricity?”

There was enough illumination for Nacho to see a forest on the outskirts of the buried city. At the edge of downtown, a small park offered a tidy square of hot pink grass to break up the metric tons of concrete. That solitary square of gently rippling foliage brought to his attention the fact that concrete was a theme in the city, if not the theme. Every single one of the buildings were gray, square, and only interesting if you were a connoisseur of cement.

“Did an architect want to design the most boring buildings imaginable?” Reuben’s comment was practically a bellow as he joined the others on the ground. “It's not just me that's happy that these were buried underground, right? I have to assume their whole civilization is pretty cheerful about it.”

Bits of breading and Prisoners came raining down every so often when one of the crispy monsters hit the overhead ledge just right, but the team of four felt unconcerned about being overwhelmed by the mindless fried fiends any longer, to say the least. Nacho pondered his friend's question for a moment, then nodded sincerely. “Frankly, I couldn't agree with you more. This looks like the architecture of an entire world of people that are still constantly at war. These might be bunkers, if they’re at all reinforced.”

The minute Brie touched down onto the roof of the building, the happy System messages burst into view.

Congratulations! You beat the monsters and unplugged the Skillz Cube, and now you get your reward! Not only that, but you also found the entrance into the CruxTerran Continent 4, Urban Zone 3, UnderFun A! You are one step closer to the Starvation Dungeon, the lightning round where scores change by the moment!

Fun fact: some humans are already waiting at the entrance to the Starvation Dungeon. The minute Arriod QuaJohn finds his entrance, we’ll start allowing people to risk it all in the final game between the two Juxtaposed worlds. Who will win? It’s so exciting!

But first, the Skillz we promised.

Follow the torches to the rooms below. Each room is individually created for your comfort and entertainment.

Congratulations! You cleared your Welcome Dungeon! Each person gets three million tax-free credits to spend! These credits cannot be shared, given to a guild, or dropped on death. They are only for you, and by the way… Arriod earned this same payout over a month ago! You guys are real far behind.

Jennifer staggered, then laughed far too loudly for the near-silent area. “I’m loving hanging out with you guys. I’ve never gotten so many credits! I really enjoyed the 'credits hitting the account' sound, even if it did nearly knock me out.”

A second later, Nacho heard the same *cha-ching* as three million credits flooded his account. Frankly, if it were a physical sound, his eardrums would have been blown out. He wanted to admire his account balance gleefully, but he knew that the Patrons might use his distraction as an excuse to pull their special Skills away. “Don’t stop and shop; we need to get to the Skills first. Spend money after that! Hurry!”

“What the…? Why?” Jennifer stared in bewildered concern as everyone else instantly grew serious.

“Go, go!” the cook ordered as a torch bloomed to life near a door into the building. They took off running with Nacho leading the way, Jennifer trailing just a tiny bit behind. “It could be that the Patrons are throwing heaps of money at us because they think we won’t survive. Especially since we can’t combine or transfer them.”

“Wow,” Reuben sighed as he kept pace with Jennifer just to make sure she didn’t feel too much slower than the others. “What a Debbie Downer. Here Jennifer was, all impressed with our luck and fortitude, and you’re grabbing at the skills like a paranoid, starving dog.”

“I’m siding with Nacho on this one. The last time we were in an UnderFun, we got branded. I have no interest in having a scarlet letter on my neck ever again.” Brie corralled her husband, relentlessly pushing him toward the door framed by the torches. Nacho strolled inside and eased up a concrete staircase, plain metal railing included. They were moving slower now, wary of traps. He was carefully making his way forward, shield and cleaver at the ready.

The top level of the building was an underwhelming passageway of industrial beige carpet and taupe walls, the depressingly  bland corporate version of ‘comforting’. A total of four doors awaited them, two on either side of the hallway; next to each door, a single torch burned a bright, phosphorus green. Reuben noticed a name plate on the first one on the left. “Hey, so this is cool. It has my nickname on it: ‘Reuby Tuesday.’ Should I be honored or afraid?”

“That’s your nickname?” Jennifer was the only one pulled into his tomfoolery. “I’ve never heard them call you that.”

“Inner circle only, sorry to say.” Reuben pointed across the hall. “How do you feel about ‘Ranger Jenny’? Is that someone you know?”

That was, in fact, what was printed on the door in red and yellow letters, and Jennifer blushed a deep crimson, refusing to elaborate.

Brie was already standing by her door, marked with ‘Bash ‘em Bloody Berserker’. That label instantly changed the group's humorous mood over the plaque nicknames, as no one had ever said those words around Brie.

Jennifer glanced over to Nacho’s door, as it was right next to hers. “Oh, this is rich. ‘Chef Boy-Har-Hardy’. Funny. From what I’ve seen, it's also accurate.”

Nacho felt the heat rise in his cheeks. He wasn’t used to compliments from people that were not his oldest friends. Not for his attitude, and certainly not from his cooking. “Uh, right. Reuben likes cheeseburgers. I have… had, I guess… a desire for highly processed ravioli products served in a can. Before the Juxtaposition, obviously. I was very good at operating can openers. Think that impacts the names?”

“It’s true. The fact that he’s fine with eating his bland, tasteless, or even gross cooking? That’s all because it was his entire diet before he came here. Nary a flavor packet in sight.” Reuben raised a finger. “Nothing like what you’re making, sweet Jennifer Ales. Please… for all of our sakes… teach him why taste matters.”

Jennifer affected a mock faraway look in her eyes, playing along far too much for Nacho’s liking. “Carbonation and taste is essential to a civilized society.”

“Enough of this! Why did we even rush here if we were just gonna stand outside the doors and jabber?” Brie growled as she opened her door without any further preamble. She took a step forward, went pale, then took a wobbly step back. Before her foot even landed,  her eyes glowed. “I’m getting a System message. Okay. This is fine.”

Nacho hurried forward and glanced inside Brie’s room. It was just bare concrete and drywall, like it was still under construction. Yet in the middle stood a life-sized Brie McCurdy statue. She was in her wedding gown, arms crossed, and looking as angry as she had been when Nacho had forced them to put their survival packs on just minutes before the Juxtaposition began.

“Get moving, people!” Brie blinked away the glow and walked briskly into her room. “I’m going to do a little window shopping, but let’s not buy anything before we formulate a plan to create as much synergy as possible.”

“Oh. I love that word. 'Synergy.' Almost as much as ‘dynamic’ or ‘agile’.” Reuben smiled with nostalgia as he reminisced over his college career, learning to market people and products.

Nacho rolled his eyes and opened his door. There he stood: a year younger, wearing a tuxedo with a look of wonder on his face. Seeing a perfect sculpture of his own body was strange, especially since it was from such an eventful day.

A blink later, he couldn’t see his statue, because the System was already chattering at him.