CWD: Sewer Skewers ~ Twenty-Nine

Nacho’s helmet was still hanging over the fire, full of water, and he was angry with himself for wasting the wood to get it boiling. It was a magical item that was specifically designed to instantly boil whatever water was put into it. However, that did leave him without headgear, so he would have to fight while keeping his exposed noggin’ from getting torn off. Chalk one up in the ‘negatives’ column of having armor that moonlighted as cooking utensils.

His battle plan coalescing in a flash, the cook’s inflated stats allowed him to tear into the strange chimera chickens before anyone except Brie, who sent her attack out with the swiftness of a Berserker and the range of a Mage. One of the monster chickens was sent blasting backward into a stall in a nearly cartoonish fashion, leaving a puff of feathers in an outline where it had stood moments before. Nacho swept down and under another, bringing his blades up as though he were starting a set of overhead press exercises.

The smooth motion, buffs, and Tier one extension to his blades combined to eviscerate the beast he had targeted. Its internal organs were swiftly exposed to the open air, and Nacho was coated in Putrid Mana-filled black blood. He didn’t let that stop him: this was a target rich environment, and he didn’t need to hold back in concern for cashflow anymore.

“Ayy, that little bit of downtime set me right. Positive Vibes, refreshed!” Reuben bellowed as he punched the buffalo chicken in the face. “Let’s beat these birds fast. I have a feeling that today is fry-day, and I’m here for it!”

Laughing in sheer exaltation, Nacho brought his cleaver down twice in quick succession onto the head of a rhino chicken with its head lowered to ram him.

Damage Dealt: 22/66.

He deflected the horn with a skillful slap of his skillet, and the bird-beast fell heavily. Dancing out of the way, Nacho pulled up a quick System View on the monster:

Lesser Mammal Hana!

Effective Tier/Level:??

HP:?

The only thing that made Nacho grumble at all was the fact that his most potent attacks were still only hitting for twenty-two total damage. After seeing the amount of damage that Brie and Scrubz were doing, it almost felt useless. He was able to shake that feeling off as he sank his blade into a throat and tore it out with a practiced twist that sent a cascade of blood gushing in an artful pattern onto several other enemies. “I can get behind death by a hundred cuts… just need to get used to how many more times I need to hit them. End of the day, they’ll still die, and that’s what matters. Practice makes better.”

Just as he was resigning himself to dealing low but constant damage, he remembered that he still had an upgrade waiting for the HungerCry knives. He’d narrowed his decisions down between Fast Whack and Kitchen WarCry, but he had never committed to one or the other. There was no time like the present, but did he want to double the base damage of his knives?

He blocked a cobra-headed chicken with his skillet just in time to whirl around the feathery wings of another shark chicken. That chomping shark mouth crashed down to rip Nacho’s head off, but Brie saved the day. In a flash of black and gold, Brie blasted the creature away by swinging her stick like a golf club, shattering the lower jaw and sending shards up into its brain.

Nacho nodded his thanks as he moved through his ingrained attack patterns, a small portion of his brain considering the math. With a base damage of ten, he’d hit for twenty-five health with a single strike. Double that was fifty–if he dropped his shield and used both knives, he’d be doing a hundred damage with a quick double swipe. Frankly, he was fast enough with his excellent ability to handle his blades on top of his raw stats.

The choice was clear, but Nacho couldn’t access the Store if he was in Active Combat or Active Cooking. He’d have to race away into the darkness to get out of combat, but something told him that the boiling helmet-pot meant his proximity to his pots and pans wouldn't matter. If he was baking a pizza in an oven, he was cooking, whether he was in the kitchen or not.

His indecision cost him, and suddenly a wall of feathers took the entirety of his vision. An elephant-head chicken hit him with its trunk, and he took the blow right to his noggin.

Health remaining: 101/126!

Nacho was surprised to discover how many Health Points he had, but then again, he was getting one hundred and ninety percent of his max of twenty, which added up to a fifty-eight in Fitness. “Cooking Magic is delightful.”

Kristie had gotten some Mana back during their brief rest and was flinging bright pink missiles into the chest of a zebra-headed chicken. Interestingly, it wasn’t using its equine mouth, only its claws. Each missile that tore through the chicken's body as if it were paper was dealing thirty-nine damage, and she could fling two back-to-back… but she was running low on Mana again.

On the plus side, it only took that one-two blast of her Sorcery Strikes to kill the Lesser Mammal Hana.

Reuben was likewise in the thick of things, having waded into battle to put his new sausage clips to the test. His flurry of punches put a shark chicken down, and a surprising number of teeth snapped off and clattered across the floor. Black blood poured out of the dead shark’s corpse, and it appeared the Healer was having a ton of fun with his conditionally indestructible hands. A double punch combo was cratering flesh anywhere it landed, his fists hitting for a total of forty-six points with the double strike.

Brie charged into the middle of a chicken attack, whirling so the blows couldn’t land, whether it be fang, claw, or rhinoceros horn. She summarily slaughtered any of the chickens that were in range, practically effortlessly even without using her Combat Dash. She tore her way out of the press after her brief stint as an impromptu meat grinder and loaded a ball into Mr. Lacrosse Stick, flinging it over into chickens charging in from the other side.

The resulting explosion scattered the beasts enough to open a path for Eduardo, who was pounding monsters into schnitzel with a yet-unnamed Skill that had him hammering the ground with an area of attack that was able to end the Tier one monsters with a single blast. Each time he used the attack, Nacho could practically measure how the man’s body drained itself of water, and his stomach looked like it was about to start eating his spine by the third usage.

The ground strike ability dispersed destruction among multiple targets, softening them up for Reuben to go dancing in with his Sausage Clips of Striking. Scrubz moved even faster, his roundhouse blowing the chest out of an angler fish chicken with a scream and a single strike. Scrubz wasn’t using the Gauntlets of Monster Destruction’s bonuses, only his own Skill. Frankly, the metal gloves were simply providing his knuckles with the barest protection.

Nacho tumbled back into the battle, pressing up on his toes and flinging himself forward with the built-up momentum, his knives held akimbo as he tackled a beast that was about to lacerate Reuben’s back. He killed the stegosaur chicken by slamming his cleaver into its neck until he parted the spine, then tucked and used its body as a springboard to reach the next one. “No credits! Only thing I don’t like about this class… otherwise, I love it!”

A *hiss* filled the air as the water in his helmet began to boil over, but he didn’t have time to worry about the loss of credits he was going to have to accept if the eggs were destroyed. There were plenty more to go around. No, all of his attention was drawn almost forcefully to the Boss Monster that had just come soaring down from the rafters far above them.

It was a chicken-headed chicken, making it seem wildly out of place among these lesser beings that had all been spliced together. The massive fowl was a factor larger than all the others, with feathers that were absurdly fluffy and bright yellow, the color of a perfectly aged banana. One of its huge claws was as yellow as the rest of the body…

But the other talon was a bright white.

“The boss has appeared!” Reuben called above the din of battle, just in case someone had missed its entrance. “Bum, bum, baaah! The plot chickens!”

The chicken queen leapt over the corpses of its comrades, evaded the weapons of Nacho’s friends, and charged straight onto Nacho. “What the-?”

The words had barely left his lips when the Hana Banana’s claws ripped into him.

Damage taken: 71/126!

“You piece of-” Thirty points of damage were taken per claw that managed to touch him before he could fully evade. As he tried to force himself to his feet through the terrible pain and ignore the gushing lacerations, the Boss bobbed and dipped before spreading its wings and using them to slash into Eduardo and Scrubz at the same time. It had landed in the middle of their group and was about to ruin Nacho’s cooking. “You’re dead!”

“Call it fowl!” Reuben shouted at Nacho as he kicked the chicken in its comparatively thin legs. “You can’t fight a chicken and not say something about fowl!”

The giant chicken squawked and looked at Nacho with rather intelligent eyes. Stifling his growing sense of unease, the cook decided to change tactics. He pulled one of the sticks from his guttering fire and flung it into the booth across the path. The hay burst into flames as he grabbed another stick and went running. Hana Banana let out a shriek, furious that he was frying up her egg babies in their egg booths.

Well, at least he had her attention now. The Boss bird lunged, her beak bashing—but deflecting—off of Nacho’s skillet shield as he danced away. He was forced to risk leaving his back exposed, so he ran off with his torch. Hana Banana chased after him for a few booths, but quickly lost interest, turned, and started back to attack the easier targets.

“Oops!” Nacho couldn’t let his friends take the brunt of all the monsters and the Boss. He grabbed an oversized egg, roughly the size of a football, and smashed it down on the cement. “Oh, no! I sure hope that doesn’t happen again; that’s so unfortunate.”

Hana Banana let out a roar, allowing him to finally place the deafening bellow they’d heard when they entered the building. This monster didn’t squawk like a chicken; it roared like an angry Tyrannosaurus rex.

Greater Gallinaceous Hana—Hana Banana

Effective Tier/Level:???

HP:?

“This… she’s a Tier two monster.” Nacho felt something drain out of him, and it took him a moment to identify what it was. “Ah. That’s what that feels like. I just lost all hope.”

Hana Banana came scurrying after him, and the cook started running, even though his motions felt wooden and pointless.

Motion in the distance caught his attention. Bobbing lights flickered through the gap in between the doors they’d come in—had to be either torches or lanterns. He’d left his Firefly Potstickers back at the main fight, and he only had a makeshift torch that was already starting to flame out. Were those bobbing lights a sign of Taye coming to save the day? Or were Crave and his goons coming to help the beasts? No way to tell.

Nacho stored his armor so he could run faster, and whenever Hana paused, he hurled another egg at her or smashed one on the ground. The huge yellow hen hated that, and each one he destroyed renewed her efforts in advancing toward him. Most of the eggs went *splat* as he threw them. After the first dozen or so came an unfortunate new surprise: a couple of the shells split in half, and tiny little monsters spilled out. Every egg in the place had the potential to become some kind of Hana, and the team would never run out of monsters unless they were all destroyed.

It was also the only reason he was still alive.

He had been wondering why the Tier two abomination hadn’t ripped him apart yet, and the answer had tidily presented itself to him: it was limiting its power and using lighter attacks to avoid accidentally destroying the eggs. “Note to self: do not go into a straightaway or open area.”

Nacho threw his torch into a booth, and the hay ignited almost instantly. Monster chicks, freshly hatched, squealed in pain as the flames consumed them. Eggs weren’t supposed to squeal; they were meant to cook quietly, like the good eggs they were. He slid under a booth and went completely still as the Boss turned to screech at the fire, the covered table breaking its line of sight and causing it to lose him.

A moment later, the screech repeated as the monster realized its quarry had vanished. Nacho was counting on the fact that it wouldn't destroy the booth without knowing for sure that he was under it, and his gamble paid off as the boss turned and sprinted back toward the main fight. Once it was far enough away, he was released from Active Combat and laughed aloud.

In seconds, Nacho spent a thousand credits of guild money on upgrading the HungerCry knives with Kitchen WarCry. He was badly in need of Health and Mana, so he allotted himself a few moments to let the Regens do their work.

Mana was nice, but the Health Regen was critical. He’d taken fifty-five points of damage, which would be a death sentence if his buffed food wore off. At his normal Fitness of twenty, he had a mere fifty health. Luckily, he had a good Health Regen of twenty percent of his total per minute.

After sixty seconds outside of Active Combat, he was at eighty-one out of one hundred and twenty-six. Even if his biscuit wore off, he’d have at least five Health to his name.

Just as a new plan started to form in his mind, Hana Banana was suddenly next to his booth, screeching near the ground in hopes of getting him to reveal himself. He hadn’t heard her coming, and the terror that spiked from her proximity to his head almost made him give himself away. He flinched but didn’t cry out, understanding that the quick-witted Boss monster had doubled back to try to catch him as he came out of hiding. She took a massive leap over a booth full of sparkly eggs, the flames of the blazing booth casting her in bloody shadows. Around her, newly hatched chicks were growing at astonishing rates until they were man-sized chicken creatures.

The Boss radiated so much Putrid Mana, thanks to being Tier Two, that it was having a direct effect on her spawn. Though the variations in species seemed to depend on the size, shape, and color of the eggs, they’d all hatch just by being close to her. Nacho let out a light groan. “I hate Boss monsters that make more mobs for us to fight.”

Taking a deep breath, he firmed up his resolve and thrust himself back into action.

Active Combat is back on like donkey song! Good luck, buddy!

He was forced to dodge to the side as Hana speared him with her beak. Luckily, his Skillet of Turtling halved the damage, but practically all of the regenerated health was ripped out of him.

Damage taken: 86/126!

The beak, like the claws, dealt thirty points of chicken pain with each pinpoint strike. If she landed all three of her edged attacks, that would be ninety points of death and destruction. He had no idea how much damage the wings did, but at least it should be blunt damage and not leave bleeding wounds that leeched more health as time passed.

Nacho let his Cry Chef’s Knife slide into the palm of his right hand, and his Hunger Cleaver twirled in his left. “I'm going to cut you into chicken bouillon cubes.”

Fully armored and moving as erratically as possible to avoid incoming attacks, he hit her with four strikes, each one *thwacking* into flesh for twenty-five points of damage. Nacho couldn’t help but scream in excitement, “Yolk’s on you, bird! I’m an exorcist, and I’m here to expel all the poultry-geist!”

The hacking of the cleaver was a thing of bloody beauty, while the thrust of his chef’s knife was sharper and more precise than a sword could ever hope to achieve. Nacho noticed a little ghostly echo ringing off his blade as it struck six inches sooner than it should have.

Unfortunately… the sad fact was that even with everything he could muster, he wasn’t doing enough damage to take her down fast enough to also stay alive at the end of the fight. Not with how fast she moved, and the sheer quantity of other monsters coming for him.

Greetings, Player! You are doing some major damage with those upgraded knives now! Too bad for you, Hana Banana regenerates half the damage done to her by magical knives! She had a bad experience with a butcher. You know… us. We had to cut off her yellow leg to give her the Ivory Talon, and we felt bad, so we gave her a little buff. It was the least we could do for her. Better luck next time!

“You dirty cheaters!” Nacho howled as he threw himself out of the path of yet another deadly talon. The Patrons didn’t reply; they clearly didn’t care and wanted him out of the way. “I’m in some serious trouble.”

As if in response to his bellow, a familiar knight in black armor stormed forward with a giant black sword. She brought it down on Hana Banana, and the monstrous hen let out a shriek of anger—anger, not pain. The blow didn’t even break through the giant chicken’s skin. Another wave of Hana’s monster chicken babies hit the knight from behind while the Boss monster leapt away, racing off into the darkness. To the cook’s confusion, it didn’t seem as though Hana was heading back to the fire burning in the middle of the convention-center-turned-dungeon.

“Where is she going? Wait…” Nacho had to take a moment to let his rational mind take over. “Kala? What are you doing here?”

The heavily armored Guild Master couldn’t answer, far too busy fighting monster chickens. A lizard-headed feathery fiend lurched forward to snap onto her leg, but Nacho interceded by snatching the giant skillet off his back and hurling it right into the beast’s open mouth. “I cast iron!”

Damage Dealt: 13/66.

“What-!” Reuben yelled over the din of the fight and the *Do~ong* of the skillet impacting the creature. “That’s not a spell! You can’t use ‘cast iron’ like a spell!”

“Watch me!” Nacho cackled as Kala’s people rushed in to assist, but they weren’t near enough to reach her side before Nacho sped over, grabbed his skillet, and slapped it onto his back. As soon as it magnetized into place, he was sprinting back to the guttering booth fire, not sure if he was about to be attacked by the humans now that the monsters were being held off.

Well, Player, Active Combat is shut off for the moment. Off and on, hot and cold, yes and then no; this is exhausting. Make a choice and end combat properly! Death! Kill or be killed!

“Alexa, silence notifications,” Nacho called in annoyance, knowing that wouldn’t actually do anything. Still, he was glad to get his Health Regen kicked back on; he was feeling a little dizzy, and that likely meant his sausage biscuit had worn off. A glance to the side confirmed it: he had only a few Health Points remaining. It would take him about five minutes to stumble back to the main fight, which should mean he’d be at full health once he was with his people again.

“How did Kala and the Sunrise Brigade find us? Was she working with Crave to get here… how many of her people were with her?” Nacho didn’t know the answers to any of the questions that he was asking himself. Still, there was another more important fact that he had forgotten until this moment: with that sword, Kala was doing way more than twenty-three damage per whack, and she hadn't been able to hit the Tier two chicken for real damage either.

“If we can’t kill Hana Banana, how are we gonna be able to cut off the Ivory Talon?” Nacho felt at the brand that graced the back of his neck, knowing that the only fate that waited for him if he couldn’t breach the inner sanctum of the dungeon was to be continually swarmed by monsters until they finally took him down.