CWD: Sewer Skewers ~ Twenty-Eight

Cootie Pigeon

Effective Tier/Level:??

HP:?

The name completely threw Nacho off, as he had expected something like ‘Muscle Pigeons’, given the fact that the birds looked like refugees from a militant CrossFit class. He was still more confused when one of the birds swooped down and let out a throaty, *Coo!* instead of ripping through his friends with the arm-length claws at the ends of its sinewy legs.

Eduardo swung his hammer, but the air rippled between him and the giant bird and the monster’s attack hit him. The tank was instantly surrounded by a dark cloud of biting insects, causing him to let out a shriek of pain as he scrambled to keep them out of his eyes.

Ouch! Someone on your team is on the wrong end of a Debuff! You’ve caught Cooties! Lose five Health Points per minute unless you can find a way to beat all the biting bugs. Heal your way through the pain, or die from a bad case of lice!

Scrubz stepped up, blasting bees with punches and crushing birds with some truly devastating roundhouse kicks. However, between the boiling honey and the strange bug-filled sonic attacks from the pigeons, Nacho and his people were forced to flee down the street. The air was swarming with massive bees birds alike zeroing in specifically on Nacho.

A man leapt out of nowhere, a sword poised to strike at the sprinting humans. Eduardo, still surrounded by a cloud of biting flies, ran into him—barely managing to stay on his feet—and the insects spread from their original target to the person that was now hidden by bugs and screaming in pain. The Dinner Party didn’t slow.

“Eduardo! C’mere and hold still! I can heal you from a distance, but you can’t move or I’ll miss!” Reuben yelled at his screaming teammate. Brie had taken the rear guard, and every time a pigeon *cooed* at her, she whirled and swept the attack away. She held out just long enough for Reuben’s healing to land, and then they had to run.

The stalemate could last at most a moment, especially since a pack of dogs down the street started howling, and soon, massive mutts coated in clouds of a white substance appeared and joined the hunt. They didn’t have fur; instead, they appeared to have deep-fried skin dusted liberally with powdered sugar. The only thing that stopped the team from being overrun right then was that someone in an unknown group of people shot a flaming arrow at the hounds, and the pack turned to chase after the new intruders.

Nacho led a mad dash into the convention center, but the bees and the pigeons didn’t stop, effortlessly smashing through the oversized windows. Brie used their brief disorientation to hurl glowing lacrosse balls that hit like grenades, dealing fifty-three Health Points of damage and blowing dozens of creatures out of the air with every toss. The cook didn’t even want to try to follow all of the bonus damage that had gone into making each shot hit like a rocket-propelled grenade, but he credited the Tier one, maxed buffing Skills of himself and Reuben, as well as all of Brie’s bonuses working in tandem.

Scrubz had also been vital to their survival, with his heavily boosted Roundhouse Hammer kicks landing for sixty-nine points of sole destruction.

They currently had no shortage of heavy hitters, but there was a veritable flood of foes to smack around. Nacho and the other five people in their attack team had all been wounded before they reached the hotel. Reuben had managed to pull Eduardo through, but another well-aimed Cootie attack just might kill them all if they could all spread like this one was.

Eduardo kept babbling about theaters being the only thing that could save him, but Nacho had no idea what that meant. Even though they’d only reached the surface a short time ago, it felt like they’d been in continuous Active Combat for hours—it was like the Barbeque Tunnels all over again. The Scarlet Symbols of Accusatory Trespassing were brutal. The cook risked a glance at Kristie, wincing to see that she was already pale and running low on Mana.

Nacho knew that this was one of their biggest weaknesses—they had to figure out how to refuel Mana while in Active Combat. Reuben could heal them, and they had Nacho’s leftover biscuits to keep their Hunger high, but refueling their Mind Players was an issue. “How could we contact Taye and the other people at the Residence Inn?”

“They’ve gotta know-” Brie was chewing vigorously on his sausage and biscuit combo, as much to keep her buffs up as to deal with her draining Hunger, “-what’s going on. They got the message. I’m betting everyone did.”

She shrugged and turned to fight off what the System was calling ‘Mis-Bee-Haves’. The Bumble Dumpers were too wide to fit inside, and thankfully, the pigeons didn’t like walking around; no leg days allowed for these monsters. They preferred to fly in, blast with their sonic attack, and then watch impassively as the clouds of Cooties killed their target slowly.

Eyes wide and shaking, Scrubz went running toward one of the closed metal doors. “We’ve got to get away from those things, and I mean now. I saw other people coming. We’re in it deep, boy. I’ll tell you what; we’re close to game over!”

“I saw who that was,” Nacho stated darkly. “It was only by pure chance we escaped. Crave couldn’t have been expecting that the debuff would be able to jump to another target.”

“That was Crave?” Reuben gasped in shock. “Yikes, I barely recognized him. He really needs to eat; he's got to be nearly half the size he was back in autumn.”

“He got shorter?” Eduardo questioned tearfully as he picked bugs out of his ears.

Reuben scowled at the hammer-wielder with a trace of scorn on his face, “Yes. Just as the prophecy foretold.”

Nacho ignored the conversation, mind racing. Though he didn’t know what their next move should be, it certainly shouldn't be running into dungeons now that they were marked. Brie kept their backs safe while Nacho followed the rest of them through the doors and onto the convention floor. It should’ve been miles of empty concrete—convention center main halls were huge—only… this one wasn’t empty. A ton of booths, but they weren’t set up for Planet Comicon.

It seemed more like an egg con. Every booth displayed eggs. Lots and lots of eggs, as though the Easter Bunny was going to be the guest of honor. There were eggs of all sizes, shapes, and colors, from tiny pastel blue robin’s eggs to massive ostrich eggs covered in sparkles; every last one had been stuffed into comic book boxes and packaged with hay.

Brie was taking on a bunch of bees at the same time, since she could block ten attacks at once. The Mis-Bee-Haves had seventy health each, so with her Combat Dash, she could bash one to death in a single hit if she used all of her juiced-up Skills to the max.

The welcome message hit them as Brie continued to bash the bees, just as her class name had foreshadowed.

Welcome, Player, to The Horrible Hen House of Hana Banana.

We hope you like eggs, because there will be a lot of eggs. Hana Banana is an angry chick, and she has friends in high places. You better bee-lieve it.

Bonus offer! Find the Dim Sum Secret for a reward of 25,000 credits! For every egg you eat, you’ll get fifty credits, and we’ll double your Mental Energy a short time after eating that first egg. Yum! Think you can eat fifty hard-boiled eggs in an hour? If you can, you’ll unlock special treasures that will blow your mind and destroy your bowels!

Brie slammed a door shut and threw herself against it. “We’re still in Active Combat. I can’t kill all those bees, but I’m liking the looks of this room. I’m starving, and hard-boiled eggs are definitely on the ‘healthy food’ list. I can eat fewer of them and get a bigger bonus than any of you.”

A tremendous roar shook the entire hall, causing a few eggs to fall off shelves and break on the ground. Others cracked and emitted unmistakable growling sounds that slowly grew in strength.

“We need to egg-splore this place as fast as possible, then scramble.” Reuben swallowed nervously as he searched for the source of the roar. “Eduardo, let me heal you again. I don't mind being your Physic-hen, and I'll give you a medical eggs-am.”

“I’ll hold this; you get your Hunger Points under control.” Scrubz ran back and braced himself against the door. “Go, Brie! You’ve gotta be starving. I’ve been downing the sausage biscuits and trying not to choke, but you’ve had both hands on your weapon since this started.”

“Not quite, but I'm not going to argue with you.” Despite the fact that she had likewise fought through the sodden biscuits, Brie didn’t hesitate to pull a breakfast sandwich out of a Storage Slot and chew vigorously while Scrubz and Eduardo held the door. Another roar shook the place, and more eggs cracked.

Scratching noises grew closer, scrabbling toward them from nearly every direction. Kristie flashed her bracelet lights around, and Nacho broke out his Firefly Potstickers. Now they had plenty of light, but the booths offered a lot of places for creatures to hide. Between the roaring and the scratching, the tension was terrible. They were down on food, and he figured he’d need to process any eggs he could find, even if they probably shouldn’t try eating fifty hardboiled eggs during this adventure. They could always come back.

Once he decided that he needed to get cooking, Nacho was able to calm himself down. Having a set plan always helped with that. “Eggs are eggs… at least I hope.”

Scrubz and Eduardo were doing their best to keep the doors closed, but a few hooked legs from the Mis-Bee-Haves threatened to throw the doors wide, or burst right through them. Brie, still chewing, broke the offending legs with a single swipe of Mr. Lacrosse Stick.

Reuben spoke up, all playfulness leeched from his tone. “We either need to go out there and kill those bees to end Active Combat, or we need to make a run for it through the shelves. If we can just manage a few minutes of regular time, Kristie and I can get some of our Mana back. I don’t know about you, but a little rest would be egg-celent.”

“No more bad yokes!” Kristie laughed a bit too hard at that. “I say we make a run for the egg-spress lane.”

Nacho had already brought his skillet and cleaver out and was eyeing the plethora of ingredients just waiting to be sizzled. “I need to start cooking. I want you guys to keep your stats juiced, and you need to-”

“Ha!” Scrubz barked out a laugh. “This is hilarious. You think you’re gonna be cooking any time soon? I’m telling you, those pigeons are coming, and they’re gonna give us Cooties. Even if they don’t, that Crave guy had like fifty people in his guild, right? I bet he brought every single one of ‘em.”

“Everyone stop talking and listen to me.” Brie held up one hand, all five of her fingers outstretched. “We’ll count down from five. Then we run to try to get away from the bees. We don’t really know if the bees will come after us in here. If we can get far enough away from them, that’ll end Active combat.”

The open ceiling of the building really allowed the roaring monsters to echo well, alongside the scratching of whatever was running around among the tables. Kristie was already walking forward, lighting the way and preparing to run. “There’s a good chance that Taye and the rest of them spotted the explosions from Brie’s lacrosse stick. More than a better chance. Also, you know the fact that the sky rained down bees and birds means they’ll come looking for us. I guarantee it. I agree with Brie. We find our people and hunker down while we recover.”

“I admire your optimism.” Despite everything looking terrible, Nacho hoped she was right. “We’re making a run for it.”

“Three, two… one!” Brie counted down, and with every word, she dropped a finger. They all sprinted away from the door, and down the main hall of the egg pavilions. The doors were flung open bee-hind them, and the enraged buzzing grew louder… but then something miraculous occurred.

A fight broke out between the invading monster bugs and the highly-territorial bug-eating monster birds. Reuben started cackling as he sprinted, and soon they were alone in the dark. “We did it! Blood and cheese!”

Not soon enough, but far before they expected it to happen, the most beautiful words the System could state appeared in their vision.

Well, Player, bravely running away worked. Active Combat is over—for now—but you’re stuck in a bad place and low on Mana. You can always buy our very reasonably priced Mana potions to fix that in the future. Shop while you can. Regen away. Hope you have a future. Make it delicious, or whatever.

Nacho threw out his arms to stop everyone before they continued forward and set off a new monster that they weren’t expecting. “Hold up! Mana Regen or not, I have to get cooking. Grab hay. Gather eggs. I’ll buy wood. We can at least earn some credits, and with more Mental Energy, you’ll have a bigger mana pool. Move!”

They had stopped at the intersection of two main paths through the convention space, and so far, they couldn’t see or hear any more monsters. Nacho’s Potstickers buzzed around in a circle, lighting up the area around them just in case.

Nacho started a fire while the others started picking off-white eggs out of the hay. Upon closer inspection, they resembled the general shape of eggs, but who knew what they were actually made of, or what creature had left them there. Scrubz grabbed a pink and blue one and set it down on the floor next to Nacho, while the cook bought a tripod and spit rotisserie set so he could hang his pot helmet over the fire. Unlike Reuben and Kristie, Nacho hadn’t been using his Mana, so he had a full forty to work with.

Hey, Cookie, welcome to Active Cooking! No more Store, and kiss your Regens goodbye. Aww, sad face. But look on the bright side. You get eggs! Lots of eggs! Probably isn’t good for your cholesterol, but you only live once, right? Unless a necromancer gets you, we guess. Anyway, good luck!

Nacho ignored the nonsense and got out his Coquinaria. He flipped it open to the breakfast section, still finding it hard to believe how beneficial a purchase Colonel White Beard’s cookbook had turned out to be. He had a great recipe for never-die hardboiled eggs that involved his all-time favorite ingredients: salt, pepper, and butter.

A squawk echoed around the convention center, and all activity ground to a halt. It was close—too close.

Finally, they caught a glimpse of at least two of the monsters that had been scratching around. In one of the aisles stood a single chicken monster, only it didn’t have a chicken head—it had the feet and wings of a chicken, but its head was that of a moray eel. It was soon joined by a tiger-headed chicken who roared a warning. It wasn’t the huge roar that had shook the hall, but it was a roar all the same.

Other bizarre chicken-animals joined them, including a shark chicken that gnashed rows and rows of jaggedly sharp teeth. An elephant chicken with trunk and tusks had been combined with the body of a Rhode Island Red. Then, there was the classic buffalo chicken—head of a buffalo and body of a leghorn.

Before they had even realized it, Nacho and his people were surrounded.

The chicken menagerie raced toward them from all sides, talons scraping the concrete, and a cacophony of howls and various trumpeting heralding the assault.

You’ve been accused of the greatest crime an egg can accuse you of: Poaching!

Back into Active Combat you go, Players!

Nacho had no idea how they were going to get out of this one, but he pulled out his knives and popped his last Kill Basa biscuit into his mouth. He was going to be needed on the front lines of this fight, even if they wouldn't get any credits for his kills. “Need to survive to spend money. Dead men can’t shop.”

Unbidden, his mind recalled an old proverb—‘if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen’. As his feet lightly touched the floor that he was racing across, a wild grin grew on his face.

Whoever had come up with that saying had clearly never met a warrior chef.