CWD: Sewer Skewers ~ Twenty-Six

“Don’t go to sleep yet; let's find you a proper bed.” Reuben shook Nacho awake just as he had started to doze—potentially deadly in an open area. The cook had no idea what he had been thinking and happily moved inside.

Brie suggested they send their beta and gamma teams out for some reconnaissance, pointing out that they shouldn’t bother putting guards at the entrance of the DKCU, since there would be any number of ways to reach the Downtown UnderFun. Everyone agreed with her, as they had already been informed that she was in charge of combat operations. Her imposing presence and impressive weapon only served to seal that she was, and should remain, in that position.

While they waited for the teams to return, Nacho and the Dinner Party took a trip through the hotel. The entire building felt like a dungeon as they creeped up the stairwell to climb to the second floor without any lights. When they got to the next floor, they opened a door to find a wall of solid limestone. That didn’t stop them from trying the next floor, and the next, until they popped a door open and found nicely appointed suites.

The Patrons clearly had complete control over the environment; they hadn’t simply thrown a mile of rock over the top of the existing world—the Patrons had decided what sections to keep, and what sections to bury. That explained why Nacho hadn’t known about the UnderFun in his Probability Vision: too many variables to account for.

He was itching to get going and find the spear, since they needed to secure their position at the top of the food chain, but Reuben reminded Nacho that he was exhausted. It had been a long day of cooking, fighting, and finding unexplored regions of the Juxtaposition—who knew downtown Kansas City would have become some kind of mythic El Dorado, a bonafide lost city full of treasure?

His friends finally convinced him to grab some sleep while the teams ran their missions, so they picked a two-bedroom suite. The happy married couple took one room, and Nacho collapsed onto the bed in the other as soon as the door shut. The sheets were a little musty, but not terrible. It just felt nice to be on a normal bed again, almost like it had all been a strange dream… he cut that line of thinking as though it was the throat of a CrossHuman.

“Reuben might be on to something. I probably should get a real house, with a real bed, and not continue to sleep on a kitchen shelf.” He stretched, snuggled his head into a real pillow, and fell into a deep sleep. Unfortunately, since he was asleep, he could only shout internally in frustration as his dreams were invaded once more.

The dream had a certain glow to it, something that his normal dreams didn’t have. That meant it was sent by a Patron, so he paid attention. In the vision, he was standing in a shallow river. The summer air was warm, and while there were some monstrous birds winging around in the sky, normal red-winged blackbirds trilled from branches on the shore.

Nacho walked up the stream, picking his way across rocks hidden underneath the dark water. Those rocks sure were uncomfortable—round and hard, always shifting under foot. He pushed his way past several branches to reach a table sitting in the middle of the river. The table was odd, but odder still was the collection of people sitting around it, eating a feast while water gushed around the table legs.

Every one of the dozen diners were wearing sunglasses.

One of them stood, sandwich in hand. It was Arriodd, and he wore the katana—that abyssal Sword of Flesh Shearing or whatever it was—sheathed on his back. He slid the sunglasses down his nose so Nacho could see his misshapen pupils, then pointed down with his sandwich.

Nacho somehow knew what the guy wanted him to do. He bent over and reached beneath the water. What he thought had been stones beneath his feet were skulls. The cook recoiled with a disgusted grunt. He’d been walking across a riverbed full of human skulls, which was not something that scared him, but it was most certainly unsanitary. That was when he realized that the CrossHumans weren’t just eating beef brisket. They were eating human sandwiches absolutely coated with Miracle Whip.

“Seriously? That’s the ingredient you decided you liked best, and you went off-brand? Plus,” Nacho jerked upright in his bed, shouting, “that’s too much mayo!”

A cursory knock rattled the door, and Reuben busted through it in full combat-ready mode. “Nacho! Where’s the mayo? Are you eating a BLT without me?”

“Just a… bad dream.” Nacho swung his legs off the bed and shook his head to clear away the nausea. He knew better. The fact that it had all seemed real, but felt completely surreal at the same time, meant that it was a warning. They needed to pick up the pace, or all that would be left of their race was what the CrossHumans were picking out of their teeth at the end of the day.

“That seems like it’s completely true,” Reuben stated with sarcasm dripping from his tone. “Listen, we just got word that the beta and gamma teams are back. They have some things to report, and it’s our turn to go out adventuring. They got a bead on some monsters, some dungeons, and—get this—giant bees. I was like, ‘honey, let’s go meet Sting’, but no one got the reference, so I need you to come out here and laugh at my jokes.”

Nacho felt well-rested despite his nightmare vision, so he didn’t mind getting up and getting to work. If taking a long nap always meant he was going to be haunted, he saw a large amount of insomnia in his future. The cook soon entered the courtyard to meet up with the rest of the Brunch Force. A few were still healing from battles, indicating that combat had been recent. They had all pulled chairs up around the firepit, which was crackling with a happy little fire.

It was chilly in the cavern since they were so deep underground, and the place smelled like wet pavement and other more… monstrous fragrances. The wood helped dispel that mustiness—someone must’ve splurged for Epic pine, because it burned well and had a nice aroma.

There had to be some sort of ventilation, because the smoke from Nacho’s grill had found a way out, and the smoke from the fire was sweeping upward and vanishing through various cracks in the stone ceiling far above. After the group was settled, Taye gave them a quick rundown of what he, Kristie, and Abby had found.

“District is overrun. Our patrol took us past Fourteenth Street to the south, to Tenth Street to the north. The west boundary was Broadway, based on some of the buildings we found, and the stone wall that started to the east. We found a disconcerting number of wandering monsters, including Alley Cats—which were more like saber-toothed tigers than kitties. Worse were the Rabid Funnel Cake Dogs, which dripped powdered sugar.”

Taye paused to try and remember if he had missed anything, then snapped his fingers as another thought resurfaced. “I'm ninety percent certain that the froth is the rabies virus trying to convince us to put it in our mouth willingly, and the dogs looked like deep-fried mongrels. There were also giant pigeons—that wasn’t what they were called, but the creatures were too far away for anyone to get a System View on them.”

Whatever they were called, Nacho saw it as good news. His knives slowly trailed along a whetstone as he mentally skimmed through his plethora of poultry recipes. Reuben, sitting next to him, was overly pleased to hear about the Rabid Funnel Cake Dogs, since his Sausage Clips of Striking would do fifty percent more damage because the monsters were food-based.

Scrubz led his team over and reported in as well. “We found the source of those giant pigeons you’re talking about. They came from the ‘Dangerous Dovecote of Devilry’; I think I said that right. It was the city hall building before the Juxtaposition. Another thing… the other side of the convention center, the Kansas City Hotel? Yeah… that’s now a dungeon called the ‘Hideous Hive of the Bee-hemoth’.”

Brie waited for him to be done speaking, then offered her own insight. “We could have found this KC Cesspit place and not even known it. We saw no sign of ‘Caelius Apicius’. Maybe we should search for wherever the Plaza ended up? Should be easy to locate, since they had all those fountains shaped like Greek gods or whatever. Point is, there are at least three dungeons within a stone’s throw of here, and a lot of ground to cover. Those buildings go down as much as they go up, so there are subterranean tunnels connecting most places.”

Reuben pushed his leather helmet back on his head to scratch at his temple. “Wouldn’t they be sub-subterranean tunnels, since we’re so deep?”

“Obviously that’s the correct terminology.” Nacho popped up to pace in place as Scrubz scoffed his annoyance at their antics. They had so much work to do and so many places to explore in this strange underground city. Any number of hotels, apartments, the Insomnia Cookies cookie store, a Chipotle's, Bristol's, Cosentino's Market, banks, the big park plaza on Central Street and West thirteenth, and some of the best barbecue in the world…

Reuben’s eyes glowed until he blinked the light away. “I read the poem on the Dragon Spear information again. Not much there, but we need something called the ‘Ivory Talon’, and it seems to have something to do with a dragon. Could it be that Caelius Apicius is guarding the KC Cesspit?”

Nacho hated not knowing, and he was itching to get moving. “Let’s have me, Brie, and Reuben go out there and see what we can find. We’re rested. We’re good.”

“I’ll go with you,” Scrubz demanded more than requested. “I’m not going to sleep, and I want to explore.”

“Me too.” Eduardo looked like he was trying to cosplay Brie. He stood tall, silver chainmail glittering while the Splatter Mallet rested on his shoulder.

Nacho wanted to argue that they needed sleep, but he knew he wasn’t going to win that fight. “Fine. The five of us. We’ll just go back out there.”

“You should have some spell support.” Hazel yawned and waved her hand lazily as they looked at her. “But Hank and I are all tuckered out.”

Kristie raised a hand. “I’ll go; too excited to sleep, anyway. Can I tell you all about my Skills, so you’ll really want me with you? Too late for you to say no! My Sorcery Strike ability has doubled—I’m doing twenty-four damage, and that’s without Nacho’s Cooking Magic. As a Tier one enhancement, I can create Sorcery Swords, and yes, my magical light blades are pink. Let’s see… Death Blossom is even more powerful, doing thirty-six damage in a thirty-foot radius. Thanks to Tier one, I can detonate the Death Blossom at a distance, so I don’t have to be in the middle of the action! Also, so I don’t hit you all. As much.”

Nacho thought it was interesting that Kristie’s Tier zero Sorcery Strike had already been a distance attack. Reaching Tier one was all about doing the Skill at a distance, but instead of more distance, now she could… create and wield swords? “I wonder if ranged options get a ‘melee’ range, and melee gets ‘range’ when we hit the first Tier?”

“I can’t go right now. I’m totally bushed.” Taye looked pained at the idea of not going back out into the UnderFun, but Abby slapped him on the back as Reuben talked him down.

“Don’t worry, Archer Man. We’ll rest up and be out there again before you know it. Let some other people have fun.”

Taye sighed and gazed longingly at the building that was the only thing standing between him and a bed. “I guess you’re right.”

“Time to move.” Nacho got to his feet and started walking without waiting for the others to group up; he was excited to get back out there.

It wasn’t every day a person got to explore the legendary lost Kansas City.