CWD: Sewer Skewers ~ Twenty-Two

Out of all the things they fought in the Barbeque Tunnels—Pigbillies, the Burnt Enders, and the Ironic Booted Shrimp—the Smoked Sausage golems turned out to be the absolute wurst.

The enormous man-shaped creatures had been graced with arms and legs resembling swollen hot dogs cooked in the microwave too long. Their heads were pinched closed with a steel casing clip, leaving them faceless but apparently able to navigate via magic. Those steel clips were also bound around their wrists and ankles, and the golems used them as bludgeoning weapons—it didn’t matter whether they threw punches, kicks, or head-butts; those casing clips hurt when they landed.

It was like being attacked by Oktoberfest food armed with bashing bracelets. Even more frustrating was the fact that they were mid-level Tier one monsters, so only Brie, Abby, and Taye could hit them and leave damage behind. More than ever, Nacho felt the need to spend the guild’s credits to level people’s Skills and push them all to Tier one.

Cooking would be more expensive but easier overall, because then Nacho could cook for a single Tier all at once, and not need to split recipes between Tier ones and Tier zeros. The dichotomy had made meal prep a logistical nightmare, since food with Tier zero ingredients didn’t help with a Tier one's Hunger Points, and the Tier zeros wouldn’t get any additional benefit of eating Tier one ingredients; the only thing they would see was a higher price tag.

When they fought an oversized sausage golem that was level eighteen, Nacho was on his tenth and last round of peanut butter balls and completely out of Mana. Naturally, the boss sausage was a named monster: the Kill Basa.

It was eight hundred pounds of murderous meat shoved into a sausage casing. The only positive was that they fought him in a dry place, a platform where the swamp water ran by in channels on either side. The continually cloudy liquid poured off the edge of the platform in twin waterfalls, and a rusted metal ladder descended into darkness between the identical cascades of gushing water. It seemed they’d reached the end of the Barbeque Tunnels, but they hadn’t hit the two-hour mark yet.

“Seems we sped through the dungeon too fast.” Reuben had left his humor in the tunnel about twenty minutes ago, when exhaustion had settled into his bones. “Gotta… drag this out somehow.”

On the platform, hooks at the ends of various chains dangled from the ceiling, giving the area a part butcher shop, part horror movie vibe. The Kill Basa had an uncanny way of slipping through the hooks without getting caught, but the attackers were having a significantly more difficult time maneuvering. Since so many of the fighters couldn’t be active damage dealers, a few folks were on hacksaw duty, cutting through the links and clearing a path for their Tiered up members.

Scrubz led the chain-cutting crew—his idea—while Brie was a dynamo of Defensive Whirl and Combat Dash as she cut off the monster from squirming through every hole it could find in their formation. Abby’s only job was only to smack around the giant hot dog with her Bad Bash, and she was forced to take a few hits. The reduced damage effect of her Slippery Block was the only reason she was still standing after the second hit, and Nacho could see that she was hesitant to get back in the mix.

Meanwhile, Taye stood back in his leathers, powered by Nacho’s peanut butter balls. He fired his double-damage arrows, dealing quad-damage, thanks to slowing his aim and using Eagle Eye to pierce the sausage golem’s pinched-off head over and over.

“Nacho! I’m getting hungry!” Brie called out with great concern in her voice.

“Ayy, I’m working here!” Nacho shouted in his best Italian accent. His Firefly Potstickers were winging around him, giving him plenty of light to finish his last batch of food. He rolled the last peanut butter ball and scraped his bowl, hoping that he could make at least one or two more. “Need a runner!”

“On it!” Reuben grabbed Nacho’s balls and sped into the danger zone. He managed to dodge the first of the sausage golem’s kicks, but took a casing clip to the face. There was already a stench around him that left the air stinking like a cheese factory in August, but he’d finally pushed the Ring of Cheese too far. Blood gushed down his face, and he staggered and fell to a knee. As he dropped, he shoved the bowl and sent it clattering across the stone floor.

Brie knelt, grabbed a peanut butter ball, and popped it into her mouth, trying not to spare too much concern for her damaged husband. If she lost focus, they all died.

As the Berserker gulped down the dry protein ball, Abby got hammered by the Kill Basa and went flying. Brie had just enough time to chew and swallow—she’d had her water bottle ready to help get the sticky treat down. Taking a fresh grip on her hammer, she went dashing past Abby as the fighter impacted the ground and bounced.

Another arrow struck the monster in its pinched head, staggering it. Taye shouted above the ruckus, “Hold up! The Kill Basa is down to twenty Health. We have five more minutes to the two-hour mark; we just have to keep this thing busy for just. Five. Minutes.”

“That’s going to be tough; I want it dead.” Reuben scurried out of the meat-eor of a foot as it tried to stomp on him. The monster strode over almost calmly, driving a casing-clipped fist into Abby, who tumbled dangerously close to the murky water running in a torrent down a stone channel against the wall. “Abby!”

Brie went racing in, but she didn’t hit the boss. All of them knew that a single hit would take it out easily, but they had to wait. She did use her Defensive Whirl to block two of the thing’s punches, making it hiss in frustration. At least… steam escaped from the places its casings joined together. It sounded like frustrated steam, even if the cook couldn’t figure out a way to make that sound right in his head.

Nacho organized the troops from the rear, seeing that all of Brie’s attention was on keeping the Kill Basa occupied. “Taye, save your arrows. Reuben, I don’t know how bad you’re hurt, but heal Abby if you’re able. Everyone who has some Health to spare, take a turn in the ring with the Kill Basa!”

“I was totally thinking the boss would be named Frank N’ Stein.” Reuben was already on his feet, heading towards Abby, his retort coming out with near-no enthusiasm. “Meat and beer combo attacks. Best wurst case.”

Nacho plucked his skillet shield off his back, knowing that it was time to get in the mix. He had done his job, and now it was time to cycle through. The sausage boss brought his steel clip down on the shield, and even with redirecting the force, Nacho took most of the blow and felt his arm crack. “Ahh! This thing is nasty!”

Damage taken: 29/50 health remains!

Nacho had given away every last bite of his magic food, so he didn’t have any bonuses going for him. With a Fitness of twenty, he thankfully had fifty Health and the mentality needed to push through the pain. He could take one more blow before pulling back, but he was rare among his group.

Almost the entirety of the Brunch Force were still Tier zero players with only around thirty Health Points. Two Kill Basa blows would kill them, forcing them to retreat if they even got grazed. Abby popped back into combat in the next moment, healed up and whirling her ironbound staff. She prodded the Kill Basa with one end to get its attention, sending it stumbling back into the hooks. “Looks like you got a little behind in your work!”

She backed up when the thing raced after her, grabbing a dangling hook and using it to swing in an arc to evade its furious blows.

Hazel stepped to the front of the line and took a turn. As a spellcaster, she had stayed back for most of the combat through the tunnels, though she had tossed a few of her purple grenades to take out bunches of monsters at a time. She deployed her purple shield and hunkered down, and it crackled as she took repeated Kill Basa blows.

“Only a little longer!” Taye called out as Hank rushed forward with a yell, only to take a casing clip to the face and drop right under the boss’s feet.

“Hank!” Hazel screamed, charging in with no shields to protect her. She joined her husband on the floor, and Nacho plowed forward, skillet held high. He could only do a little over ten damage with the oversized frying pan, but that didn’t matter. He couldn’t pierce the thing’s thick sausage casing skin, and happily, he didn’t need to hurt it. Nacho just needed to draw the Kill Basa’s attention, and slamming ten pounds of metal into its version of a kneecap did the trick.

Scrubz joined him and threw a roundhouse kick, only to have his foot rebound from the impact. “Kind of like working the heavy bag.”

Neither did any damage, but it gave others enough time to pull Hank and Hazel away, dragging them behind the line just in time for Nacho to get creamed again. He took a casing clip to his pot helmet, flipping into the air and flying through dozens of chains while the hooks tried to tear him to shreds.

“Do it now! End it!” Taye bellowed the excellent news. “We’re all clear! We’ve spent two hours in Active Combat; take that thing down!”

Brie dashed between Nacho and Scrubz with a triumphant Berserker’s yell to bring her hammer down into the belly of the monster. The torso casing burst, arms and legs went flying, and pieces of the stuffed central hot dog went everywhere. The entire party had to actively dodge the massive explosion of raw sausage, and after the last scraps splattered to the ground, Brie was left standing alone, huffing and puffing. “At the end there… I wasn’t afraid of the Kill Basa getting me. I thought I was going to choke to death on peanut butter.”

Silence filled the chamber for a long moment, then everyone started to laugh and collapse to the ground.

Congratulations, Player!

Active Combat is over! You get to shop, and you get your Regens back. We can almost hear the Mana and Health being replenished—kinda like the sound of a fairy getting her wings waxed.

Congratulations +1 bonus! You have completed the Barbeque Tunnels! Nice job taking out the Kill Basa! Everyone that was present gets ten thousand credits!

Congratulations +2 bonus! Special Bonus Complete! Barbeque bonuses means there’s something for everyone! Everyone in this temporary party gets the credits, but only one person has earned the Weapon of Weaponry! Calculating the damage dealt and assigning a special reward to that player!

Reuben was busy healing his broken nose and bruised face, but it was taking a moment and making his voice sound a little off. “It’s quite the payday, and we all get a nice chunk of change. I was thinking we’d have to back off and divide the cash among the twenty of us. That was probably the longest two hours of my life.”

Nacho agreed, though like everything with the Patrons, he was cautiously optimistic; in this case, more cautious than optimistic. One person being assigned a weapon did not mean that it was going to be worth having, or even usable by that person. It could be that the weapon would do nothing at all, or provide no bonuses. The Patrons sometimes raised players’ hopes just to dash them.

The sound of a slot machine hitting a jackpot filled their ears as the *cha-ching* of the money hitting their accounts rang out. Every one of them was instantly nine thousand credits richer.

“Taxes? We had to pay taxes on a bonus?” Scrubz shouted in frustration, mirrored by the grumbling of his small faction. “What’s the weapon? We can’t decide who gets it until we know what it is!”

The Patrons certainly weren’t going to answer that when there was so much delicious tension building.

“Guys. We just stopped fighting. Let’s not get all worked up.” Reuben found a steel casing and lifted it up. “Hey, these are magical… they’re Sausage Clips of Striking? Oh, nice! A Tier one item! They help with punching. Scrubz, how about I take the Sausage Clips of Striking and give you my Gauntlets of Monster Destruction? After that exhibition, I’m assuming you’re some kind of warrior monk?”

“I’m… something like that.” Scrubz hadn’t hidden the look of disgust on his face. “You’re just trying to buy me off. What if I want the Weapon of Weaponry? What if one of my people do?”

“Our people, Scrubz. We’re all in this together.” Nacho squeezed his eyes shut, trying to sort through his emotions without going wild. He’d taken a nasty hit, and that was messing with him, but he needed to keep things calm.

Taking a deep breath before speaking again, Nacho found himself interrupted by Hank, who was leaning heavily on his wife. “Y'all are crazy. Brie is going to get the weapon, or Abby is. They were the ones who took the lead over and over again. The rest of us only got put at risk when we needed to do it.”

That was true, and it ended the argument with no further complaints. Even though the Gamma Team took their fair share of lumps in the Barbeque Tunnels, the Alpha and Beta teams had undeniably done all of the heavy lifting.

Hazel also had something to say about the situation, and though she looked woozy and determined, the pain in her eyes was fading by the second. Perfect regeneration when not in combat meant she was healing nicely. “Brie should get the new weapon so she can level up to Tier one and donate her Tier zero hammer to someone else. That would give us another two actually-combat-effective people instead of just one.”

“I agree with this assessment.” Abby shook her staff, then screamed at the ceiling. “Hey, you Patron potato heads! Give Brie the Weapon of Weaponry!”

Other people joined in the shouting, and soon they were all shouting and chanting Brie’s name. Scrubz relented and waved down the crowd before things took an ugly turn. “Fine! Brie gets the weapon!”

“Okay, let’s-” Nacho paused as a hand grabbed him. He looked over at Brie, who was shaking her head. “Listen up, everyone. Next person that interrupts me gets stabbed. Enough of this.”

“Sorry, Nacho. I had a good reason.” Brie’s eyelids fluttered and her face lost all expression. “If I’m gonna get the weapon, I want it to be Tier one. That means I have to be Tier one… so I’m going to pay for the upgrade. Level ten, here I come, and everyone else better look away.”

Every single person locked their eyes on her, curious to observe what Tiering up would look like. Brie’s head drooped, and she whispered softly, “You’ve gotta be… abyss, I hate all of you.”