CWD: Sewer Skewers ~ Nineteen

“I have no idea why this thing only requires fifteen in Fitness to use. To move it at all, maybe?” Nacho was glad he had twenty points in Fitness; his mobile kitchen wasn’t light, and he’d been hauling around the huge backpack for two days. Reuben refused to let him use his Storage Slot, pleading the fact that the Yeti travel horn he stored his root beer in was more important to keep safe than Nacho’s heavy and unwieldy mobile kitchen.

Seventeen other people of the newly-formed Brunch Force followed behind his enormous backpack. Before today, there had been a near-endless stream of jokes, chatting, and playing around, even as everyone did their best to maintain focus. The vibe had changed, drastically and most likely permanently, when they stumbled across the first settlement that had been destroyed by monsters.

Every single day, Nacho wished he didn’t know what human remains looked like. Even though the bones were picked clean by whatever nightmare scavengers haunted this section of the AKC… the cook had decided to keep some of the collected information to himself. To his discerning eye, there were clear teeth marks that could only ever come from people gnawing on people. As much as he didn't want to believe it had already begun, it was clear from the signs that cannibalism had started flaring up.

His close friends knew that something was up, but all Nacho had to say on the matter was that if there were any survivors, it was likely that they were desperate and dangerous now. He gave an order as Guild Leader not to trust any unknown people from that point forward and instructed them to continue moving.

The flat, treeless prairie was arguably a bad place to try to build a settlement. For one thing, monsters hunting from the air could locate the buildings with relative ease. Then again, it was all about luck. If Nacho, Brie, and Reuben hadn’t been on Armor Mountain when the Bove attacked, history reminded him that the cow monster would’ve killed every last person that was sheltering there at the time.

Brie motioned the rest of the team onward. “Nacho, Reuben, you guys tell the others to go on, but I’m going to level up. From what I’ve seen, I don’t want anyone to see me… you know… flop around on the ground and spit blood.”

“What’re you actually hiding?” Scrubz scowled and tried to stop, but he kept on walking with some of the other foul-tempered group members that he had gathered around himself when Reuben glared him down.

“Picking fights for no reason isn’t something that people planning to survive should be doing, Scrubz.” The Healer was surprisingly imposing when it came to his wife. “We've been together for the last several days out here in monster-infested territory, hunting for weapons. Even if she were hiding something, it would be something that she brought with her, and also none of your business.”

The conversation ended at that point, as no one else felt like arguing for the sake of arguing. Nacho looked at his friend with open admiration; he was glad he had some good people on his side, but he knew that if he messed up too often, those people would not hesitate to do their best to get him ousted from his current position as Guild Leader. Unlike Taye and the Breakfast Club, who worked without complaining in an attempt to become constantly stronger, there was a surprisingly huge number of people that just… wanted to pretend the world hadn’t ended. They either wouldn't, or couldn't, adapt to the new reality of life.

Not without learning the hard way. Nacho had to hope it wouldn't come to that.

Taye itched his neck with an arrow. “Okay, so Brie will go up a Tier now, which is cool. I’d like to gain Tier one either tonight or tomorrow morning. I’m still a couple hundred credits short, but I was wondering if you could loan me the difference? I’ll pay you back.”

“I know you’re good for it,” Reuben waved him away, “but don’t worry about it, man. I have no idea what hijinks the people back at Armor Mountain are up to, but the guild coffers are going crazy. We’re getting a ton of credits.”

Nacho patted Taye on the back. “We got you, Taye. Besides, I want to see what you can do with the Robbin’ Hoodie Archer Pack.”

“Okay, but I’d like to see Abby and Kristie leveled up as well.” That was Taye, thinking about other people. His caveat earned an approving smile and nod from the others. “I’ll make sure they get through it first, and then I’ll get back to you.”

With a buoyant grin, Taye hurried to catch up to his friends.

Yet again, Nacho was left alone. He realized that he was unsure what Reuben had meant about the guild coffers going crazy, so he checked out the Guild Tab on his Stat Sheet, only to be met with a blinking notification.

Congratulations, Master of the Chips! You signed up one hundred new guild members in under an hour! Also, your guild successfully cleared the Fearsome Forest, a quick above-ground garden adventure. Can we call it a dungeon if it’s not underground? Does it matter? Probably not!

We have to applaud Gabe the Archer, William Merrick, John Grover, Mike Hernandez, Daniel Graves, and Kyle Smith for excellence above and beyond!

You go, Chips Guild; we are very impressed and a little dismayed. That’s good… right? To drive you to work harder, there are bonus prizes for reaching a thousand guild members first! Get out there and recruit!

Chips Guild Stat Sheet

Total Guild Credits: 38,375

Total Number of Members: 816

Guild Master: Eli ‘Nacho’ Naches

Alternate Guild Master: Daniel Chronour

Third Alternate: Reuben Colby

Morale: Not everyone is happy. Sad face.

Nacho was surprised at the newly increased number of members. Not too long ago, they’d passed six hundred people and had been closing in on seven hundred. But suddenly that number had jumped. Why? It was also concerning that his guild was getting so much Patron attention. This was something, as far as he recalled, that hadn’t happened during the Probability Vision.

To be fair, he hadn’t had his own guild his first time around, so he couldn’t say for certain that it hadn’t gone like this for key players. Still, Nacho figured that Crave would’ve told him. They had been close enough for the Guild Master to share a great many details with Nacho about Final Victory, and a minor complaint about the messages would have been voiced constantly if it had been happening.

“Are you looking at the guild bank right now?” Reuben nodded and grinned like the Cheshire Cat about to get some canned cat food. “There’s better than thirty-eight thousand credits in the coffers. I know we can’t use all of it to upgrade our A-Team to Tier one, but we can use a good chunk. Not for Taye; Archers are flighty.”

“I know you’re trying to joke, but don’t. Not about him.” Brie tripped her husband, though he caught himself after only a slight stumble. “Don’t even pretend to speak poorly about Taye. I’d trade in a dozen Bills for a single Taye any day of the week. Besides, why shouldn’t we use those credits to upgrade the best of the Brunch Force? In the end, they are our star employees.”

“Agreed,” Nacho stated instantly, eliciting a momentary silence as Brie tried to figure out why he was so on board with spending the money. “When the Bills complain—and they will—we’ll see where they are with their levels and what they can do. Do we have any idea what Bill’s class is, and what his Skills are?”

“Level nine curmudgeon. He has the ‘Get Off My Lawn’ yelling ability. He also has a ‘Knows Too Much About Lawnmowers’ Skill.” Reuben paused to take off his gauntlets and tuck them under his arms. “Or maybe Scrubz—remember the name, Nacho—split his consciousness and traveled through time to become Old Bill. Wait. Have we ever seen Old Bill and Scrubz in the same room at the same time?”

“Enough, please. Let’s just Tier me up.” Brie had stowed her armor in her Storage Slots, as well as her hammer, which left her in her fatigues and combat boots. “Reuben, catch me if I fall, and stop me if I get too close to a cliff or something. I…”

“What is it, love?” Reuben held out his arms to her, his eyes searching her face for the answer as to why she was getting all misty-eyed.

“I’m going to miss my hammer so much.”

“Oh, for the love of… we’ll buy you a new one!” Reuben promised in an unconvincing grumpy tone. Nacho was nodding along with Brie; he was also sad to see her lose the Splatter Mallet. It had turned out to be far more useful than his Splatter Millet, which he hadn’t used at all. He did lug it around, because he figured they would eventually encounter some kaiju grains and he could go to town on making something he missed more than any other breakfast food: donuts.

Checking the Store, Nacho found a pretty decent magical hammer for a thousand credits, but it would only offer a base damage of twelve. Brie’s Splatter Mallet did twenty damage. It would cost at least eight thousand credits to replace the hammer with something of equal quality, and Nacho had to pause once he calculated the impact. “Hold on, Brie. Let’s think this through. You’re doing twenty base damage. All bonus percentages of damage are based on that base—your Fitness increase, your Combat Dash, and your hubby’s Positive Vibes. At this point, you’re doing thirty-two points of damage when you’re fully loaded. We drop that by ten, and you’re suddenly left doing sixteen measly points of damage.”

“Yeah, I thought about that. Here’s the thing,” Brie countered instantly, and Nacho knew that he was about to be shown that he was out of his depth. “If I jack up my Combat Dash ability, I can be adding thirty percent extra damage at level fifteen.”

Reuben saw where she was going and managed to do the mental math as Nacho slunk away from the direct confrontation. “Yeah, but I think you’re using your current weapon as your calculator… thirty percent of twenty is six, thirty percent of ten is only three. You got a wicked hammer right away, so we’ll have to replace that. I hate to say it, but at this point, I agree with Nacho that bringing you up to Tier one isn’t worth it. Not if you can’t use your hammer or have a better one ready to go.”

“But… ah, abyss it. My math was off,” Brie grumbled, motioning for them to move after the main group that had continued walking. “Let’s forget this for now.”

“Yeah, let’s go catch up to Taye,” Nacho agreed as they hurried along. “Sorry to kill your excitement, Brie.”

“No, it’s just… I had myself all psyched up for the change. If we can’t do mine, then we can’t do Reuben either, because he loses his gauntlets and his ring. This Tier system sucks.” Brie squeezed her eyes shut and growled as she mentally conceded the delay, then took off running to work off the frustration.

“She likes to run. Me? I hate to run. But run we must.” Reuben grabbed his friend, and both of them sprinted to catch up. When they pulled Taye back to Tier up right away, he seemed overly confused.

“Me? Why me, and why now?” They sat him down on some old stones which seemed like a good size for chairs. Taye was sweating lightly, either from nerves or the heat. “I’m going to take your couple hundred and get to Tier one, but why before Brie?”

“It’s all about the gear,” Nacho explained simply. “You have an upgrade waiting. There’s only good in you doing this, while she’ll  suddenly be less combat effective.”

“Just spend the windfall before they figure out a way to convince you to stay Tier zero,” Brie sighed in annoyance. The others looked at her questioningly, and she bobbed her shoulders. “I was looking forward to being stronger.”

Funny enough, that stopped all other questions and concerns the younger man seemed to have. Taye spent the credits and sat waiting in his jeans, a t-shirt, and boots. “I don’t feel anything. Wait… Oh, no! That… is it supposed to hurt this bad?”

Taye’s eyes lit up like his skull had become a jack-o-lantern, glowing from the inside out; every bone was visible through his clothes and skin alike. Without warning, he dropped his bow, his quiver, everything, and went running off, shrieking with laughter.

“Grab him before he hurts himself!” Nacho bellowed as the Archer sped away.

“I got this!” Brie Combat Dashed to get in front of him, then grabbed the hysterical teen and held him while Reuben and Nacho raced up.

Taye’s muscles spasmed hard, practically a seizure, and it took all of their collected efforts to pull him down. He fought them wildly for a minute before collapsing onto his back in the grass. His eyes stopped glowing a second later, and his phosphorescent bones faded as reason started to reappear in his gaze. The kid blinked rapidly and scanned their faces as his eyes refocused. “How bad was it?”

“Not great.” Reuben looked pained, but that might have been the blood leaking from his right nostril. “You’ve got a wicked right hook.”

“No~o~o.” Taye covered his face with his hands. “I’m sorry. You know I’d never-”

“Not another word. You were unconscious and your body was getting upgraded. That’s all the reasoning you need,” Brie pointed out, then ignored anything else the young man tried to say.

“You know what would make me feel better? Put on that super cool armor you earned. I want to see how awesome you look in it.” Reuben’s wide smile was less friendly-looking this time, as blood dripped onto his teeth.

Taye gulped, nodded, and pulled out the first part of the Robbin’ Hoodie Archer Pack of black and green armor. The entire leather set was embellished with a variety of chains, with a thick leather hood in place of a helm. It also came with fashionable wrist and finger guards done in green and black, though they weren’t magical, just fancy.

As soon as the Archer had finished slipping on the various items, he smiled. “I’m getting a message… it has a hidden magical function! It’s called ‘Aura of No-Arrows Allowed’. Looks like I can’t be hit by arrows—or crossbow bolts—at or below my Tier and level. Also, I take half damage from magical missile attacks. That’s cool.”

Nacho couldn’t help but think of Red Suzy Blacke and smile. In an archer battle, Taye would win, no contest. Taye pulled a face. “Ugh. The Patrons are laying it on thick. Let’s take a look at the bow.”

He lifted a very fine carbon fiber compound bow, also done up in greens and blacks so it matched the armor. “I think I need to buy an info pack on magical compound bows so I can take care of this properly, but I can start using this right away. Just like my other bow, it detects my strength, but this bow doubles it, so I get double my strength bonuses when firing arrows.”

“Then… if you eat my Cooking Magicked food?” Nacho pondered slowly.

Reuben brightened and excitedly supplied the answer. “Tons of damage fun! That’s going to be devastating.”

“It’ll only do a percentage of the base damage of the weapon.” Brie frowned as she motioned at his quiver. “Your arrows only do five damage. It’s just not that much.”

“Says you of little faith!” Reuben admonished his wife. “Keep going, Taye.”

The kid wrinkled his brow. “With Eagle Aim, if I take my time on each shot, I can double that damage to ten. But I’m not doing thirty damage like Brie. I’d like that to change.”

Reuben kept being encouraging, trying to make the kid feel better. “Yeah, but with Fast Quiver, you get triple the attacks, so if they’re not Tier one, you’re good.”

“But we’ll be fighting more and more Tier ones.” Taye worriedly tapped on his new bow.

“Let’s slow down and see what else we're working with.” Nacho gestured at the rest of the gear. “Why don’t we check out the quiver?”

Taye's eyes started glowing, and a ghost of a smile crossed his face. “The quiver doubles the arrows I put in it, including magical arrows. That’s pretty nice. I find a flame arrow, and I put it in the quiver, and I get two flame arrows? Plus there’s another cool mechanic to that; with every arrow I draw, there’s only a twenty-five percent chance I’ll fire the master arrow, which means it might break, or I might lose it forever. But that also means there’s a seventy-five percent chance to fire the copy, which would work just as well as the original. If anything were to happen to a copy, a new copy is made.”

“Not exactly endless ammo, but a much lower chance of you running out in a longer battle. That’s pretty great!” Nacho was already excited enough by just that information. “Even so, it’s like a lottery quiver—are you firing the real one or the fake? It’s nice that it’s not a fifty-fifty chance.”

Reuben rubbed his hands together, then clapped them. “Great, extra arrows, we got it. Let’s get on to the arrows themselves. Ever since we first saw this, I was curious about the ‘Arrows of Mass Destruction’. Let’s see what those AMD’s can do.”

Taye retrieved the impressive arrows from his Storage Slots—one nice thing about bundled items: they could be stored in a single Storage Slot. These arrows, like everything else, were black and green.

The young Archer slid them into the new quiver, one at a time, recounting their information aloud. “Two flame arrows, normal five damage, but bonuses to ice-based creatures. Two ice arrows, normal damage but bonuses on flame-based things. Two lighting arrows—no surprise here—wet things take bonus damage. Three explosive arrows for double damage in an area of effect, and… ooh. Two arrows that do triple damage.”

“Is that all of them?” Brie questioned after the archer went quiet for a long moment.

“No… there’s a single black arrow that does quadruple damage.” Taye had a firm smile creasing his face at that moment, and no one could blame him. With the Quiver of Doubling, he’d have two arrows that could basically hit like Brie’s hammer. “Now, for my stats. I didn’t do Self-Applied—I did Balanced, Instant. Since I’m level ten, I have an eighteen Fitness, but if I eat Nacho’s Uncommon chicken biscuit surprise, that gets jacked up to thirty-four. The bow doubles that to sixty-eight, so I’m doing an extra thirty-four percent damage.”

Nacho was absolutely loving where this was headed. “Add Positive Vibes and that’s another eighteen percent, so… abyssal math… let me get my paper. Mmkay… then you’re doing an extra fifty-two percentage points of damage. That’s eight points of damage with a single arrow, rounding up. Eagle Aim doubles that to sixteen. Fast Quiver makes that… twenty-four. Wow. This was the right call, for sure.”

“What about the quad damage arrows?” Reuben turned his eyes to the sky to do the math. “That would be ten points of damage, rounding down. Or twenty-one points of damage, rounded up, if he uses Eagle Aim. Or thirty points of damage with Fast Quiver!”

Brie nodded in confirmation that she’d gotten the same result. “That’s with his skills at level nine. What happens if we upgrade those skills to, say, level fifteen?”

“Five arrows with Fast Quiver. Quadruple damage with Eagle Aim. Guys.” Taye suddenly got emotional, and Nacho found himself wrapped in an exuberant hug. Reuben was pulled in as well, though Brie hurriedly backflipped out of range. “I was so worried I was going to be left behind as a ranged class.”

“No, come on, we’d never-” Nacho started weakly.

Taye’s voice cracked like a middle schooler winning the National Spelling Bee. “You guys, I can’t thank you enough. You’ve made this so much more bearable. Before we found you, everyone looked at me like I had all the answers. I’m just a high school gamer, you know? I got a ‘C’ in physics, and then suddenly, all these adults were wondering what they should do, and I had to tell them? Now I have this bow, and it’s all… just… thank you.”

Reuben stepped closer into the hug, while Nacho extracted himself and tried not to get too emotionally invested. He had already chosen the people he would keep alive at all costs, and he wasn’t open to expanding that list. Too much work. Still… he looked back as a couple of tears worked their way down the teen’s face; a face that was just barely old enough to have made it to the apocalypse.

The Guild Leader cleared his throat and roughly grumbled, “Bah. Kids these days. Can’t even give ’em nice things without them getting all excited about it.”