CWD: Sewer Skewers ~ Thirteen

The night before they left for the UnderFun, Nacho collected his prize for hitting Tier one. He’d managed to extract a total of six hundred additional credits from processing the Cow Poke, and he was going to be raking in a ton more by selling his food that night. That was level fifteen meat, which meant he could sell access to the feast for ninety credits a pop for three servings. The fee matched the Store’s price for Common Tier one food, but thanks to his choice of ingredients and fresh flavor, the Store food couldn’t match Nacho’s Uncommon rarity cuisine.

With the money he earned from serving his food, Nacho planned to buy a mobile kitchen backpack, a special Satiation Player item he had found that would make cooking on the road much easier. Anything extra would go toward repaying what he saw as a debt to the guild.

He grilled up the slices of steak in his kitchen, and then had a team of helpers wrap the burritos. Grilling the hamburgers in the main hall on both of the fireplaces in the meantime created a mouthwatering scent that he knew would reach far beyond the borders of Armor Mountain. There were entire chafing dishes full of condiments, Epic lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles, but only a small number of grilled onions.

Most people had brought their own mustard, ketchup, and mayonnaise, ranging from Common to Epic, depending on their personal preference. Many of them shared, and while Nacho had planned on giving away the feast as a way to celebrate his Tier one fun… he couldn’t. Not with his debt needing to be repaid. That wasn’t a problem, however; in fact, most people insisted on paying the full price.

Once everything was cooked, the Guild Leader clanged his knives together, relishing in the first few points of Mana Regen. Draining a bottle of water, he was back to his full forty Mana in no time flat.

The building was packed. A lot of people were curious about the armor, while others wanted to talk about the Dragon Spear quest, and a minority were there to complain about whatever was on their mind.

“Music to my ears,” Nacho muttered as he laid out the tray of steak burritos, which had turned out very well. He didn’t want to leave people eating hamburgers without french fries, so he splurged on pre-cut sliced potatoes, which he threw in grease with salt and pepper. The fries turned out… not very good. He took them out of the grease too early, and so they were cold and chewy, not to mention rather tasteless. “Thought I’d followed the recipe from the book. Might’ve missed a step.”

That was his only excuse, even though it didn’t help with the dirty looks a few french fry connoisseurs sent his way. Frankly, he was too exhausted to care. Leveling, talking with Kronos, and then cooking all afternoon? No one got a second glance, and the worst offenders were ‘politely’ informed that they were on mandatory dishwashing duty that night. That thought made him smile, even if it was a bent out of shape and tired smile.

Unlike his last lifetime, punishment didn't have to be something terrible, twisted, or anything remotely torturous. Simply making people wash dishes for a few hours was enough to induce them to keep their complaints to themselves in the future.

A klaxxon call that had no right existing in a world like this shattered the cheerful atmosphere.

Whoop! Whoop! The first week’s worth of wagers have been placed on the Dragon Spear, and information has been granted! Did we not mention that the wagers are going to be public record? Ha, too late now! Here’s who is in, and what they wagered!

Collective credit amount from various free agents that wanted information: 238,931 credits!

Guild Master Kala: one year of service! In return, she received a decent starting point and some basic information on monsters! As she is a Guild Master, her service comes with the service of her guild, whether she wants it or not!

Guild Master Crave: his entire guild as collateral! Wowzers! He was given the location to a private entrance, information on the monsters inside, as well as a starting point in the UnderFun to commence his scavenger hunt.

Several additional wagers were listed, but none of them were substantial enough to catch his eye. Most of the others were individuals who were throwing a few items against it to try their luck. Frankly… Nacho did not need to see any more than that.

“If we get it now, the cash prize is a nice little windfall, but the ability to take Crave’s guild? Get Kala’s working for us for a year? Even if we got nothing else, so long as Crave is bound by the rules of his own Guild Charter, he wouldn’t be able to fight us anymore. This… this means… ugh, fine.” Nacho grumpily heaved himself up from his seat and got everyone's attention, informing them sullenly that he would be taking The Dinner Party, Taye, and any additional volunteers out to look for the Dragon Spear starting the next day.

The best part was that they were not going to be putting in a wager of their own. They already had more information than anyone else would have started with and would be going to search for the UnderFun where they believed downtown Kansas City should be located.

Everyone reacted excitedly, many of them shouting that they wanted to come along or wishing him good luck. There was one standout: Old Bill loudly calling, “A warrior leader should look like a proper warrior! Are you going to put on the new armor you won or not?”

With almost everyone in the guild present and eating in the hall, a few people spreading the news that Nacho had hit Tier one turned into a tidal wave of cheering for him. The Saturday Knight Armor was lugged out, and he trudged over as the set pieces were placed on the table at the far end of the main room.

“Yeah!” another voice agreed. “Put on the armor! Let’s see what you look like all fancied up!”

Colleen, Mayor Dan’s daughter, sat at a table nearby, giving Nacho a thumbs up as he walked past. He smiled politely at her, and she smiled back. Cheeks warming slightly, he looked away first. Even if she was cute, Nacho wasn’t sure he wanted to consider starting a relationship with anyone until he’d established the area a bit more.

“Okay, okay!” Nacho lifted the helmet and set it on his head, their jubilant mood forcing him to crack a smile.

He got a message from the System right away.

Stop right there, Scullery Scum!

The Saturday Knight Armor is for Warriors! Body Players only! No other type of player need apply. Your battles are in the kitchen. You whip the cream. You beat the eggs. You batter dough. You pound schnitzel. You show no mercy when it comes to your cuisine. Unhand it before-

Item Update!

The Saturday Knight is Armor is now the Sunday Brunch Armor! When you are battling breakfast and lunch, the only true victor is brunch!

Congratulations, Satiation Player!

Protect yourself and your friends from monsters as well as mediocre meals!

Would you like more info on your armor? We assume so. Just start equipping the pieces of your ensemble, and you’ll discover how well each one will work.

“Woo… that was strange.” Nacho’s voice echoed oddly as he looked around the room.

Reuben gestured to his head, and Nacho had to wonder what the helmet looked like from the outside. “Uh… I wonder if anyone has a mirror so he can see himself? It used to be this pretty cool helmet, like with wings… you know, like… cool fantasy stuff. Now, it’s… uh… how do I put this?”

“You have a pot on your head, Nacho,” Old Bill shouted from another table. “Ha! Our fearless leader is a pot-head!”

“A saucepan?” Nacho’s voice sounded odd to his ears, a strange feeling that he needed to get comfortable with.

“Not a saucepan, boy. If it was a saucepan, I would’ve said saucepan. It’s a pot.” Bill shouted down anyone that tried to counter his assessment. Nacho reached up and felt the handles, confirming what he had been told.

He was wearing a pot.

Pulling it off and setting it on the table earned him a message:

Helm of Boiling!

No, we don’t mean boiling your brain—we’re hoping to protect your gray matter. Here are a few things the Helm of Boiling can do:

• You can expand this pot to various sizes:
  • 10 Quart
  • 12 Quart
  • 15 Quart
  • 20 Quart
  • 24 Quart
  • 30 Quart
• All water placed inside will boil instantly!
• While you wear it, the Helm of Boiling will act as a Tier 1 Helmet.
• Note: The Helm of Boiling has handles on the side. Be warned! A monster might grab the handles and try to rip your head off. Active Combat is not for the likes of you. Combat is hazardous to your health, in case you haven’t noticed by now.

“Well?” Scrubz shouted with aggravation filling his voice. “You can't leave us hanging; we all saw it change! What can it do?”

“I can boil water instantly!” Nacho triumphantly held the pot in the air so everyone could see it.

Most people laughed, but Old Bill nodded. “Might be nice to have that when you’re camping. You’re always boiling water for some reason or another.”

“Are you kidding me? He just wasted an awesome set of armor so that he can boil water?” Scrubz argued with the elder Bill in public for the first time. As the conversation devolved, Nacho pulled on the gauntlets. This time, he could watch the resulting shift. They changed from metal gloves ready for combat into bright red oven mitts covered with little yellow smiley faces.

Gauntlets of Oven Taming!

These lightweight gloves will allow you to hold things that are super-hot. The stain-resistant material will always look happy and clean, and they will not burn, no matter how hot the heat source. Grab anything from a hot skillet to a spatula you dropped into lava.

Note: We do not recommend you use any sort of molten rock for cooking. Lava is very dangerous and will melt your pans.

“Next item!” Nacho showed off his Gauntlets of Oven Taming. “Yes, people, I have the coolest oven mitts ever, though they’re more gloves than oven mitts!”

“To oven mitts!” Reuben raised his Yeti horn full of root beer as people cheered, though there was no small amount of confusion filtering through the crowd. Nacho needed Reuben’s help to strap on the breastplate, which immediately shifted from cool cuirass to weird wok.

Wok of Block!

This is the mullet of armor. As you know, the mullet is business in the front, party in the back. The Wok of Blocking is business when it’s on your chest, party when you take it off. Withstand dragon fire, then whip up a nice stir fry using dragon meat.

This is what your new breast plate can do:

• Protect your back and thorax.
• Nothing will stick to this surface, so you won’t need much oil. You’ll need some, because oil, like sesame oil or Korean chili oil (spiced with gochugaru) makes things delicious. But we’re serious about this having a non-stick surface. Trust us. Easy cook. Easy clean. Undeniably the best wok you’ll ever use both for armor and stir fry.

Note: The Wok of Blocking may or may not protect you from dragonfire.

Additional Note: Dragon meat may or may not be poisonous even when free of Putrid Mana.

Final note: Dragon meat is really tasty. Try some.

“What does that chest armor do?” Iron Becky called, clearly slightly tipsy.

Nacho raised a fist and ran it over the shining surface. “Non-stick surface!”

People gave out a half-hearted cheer, watching sadly as two pauldrons that fit over his shoulders turned into pans that linked magically to the wok, almost as if they were all magnetized together.

Pauldrons of Frying

We’ll cut to the chase. Fry up some breakfast, and then rush into battle with your shoulders and arms protected. Both frying pans are fully adjustable with non-stick surfaces.

The sizes are adjustable:

Expand the pans to various sizes:

• 8 Inch
• 10 Inches
• 12 Inches
• 14 Inches
• 15 Inches (for that extra inch of greasy goodness)

If you need to turn your frying pans into a sautéuse, the rims are fully adjustable to up to three inches. That should be enough to sautéuse your life up!

Note: We’re not sure what the word ‘sautéuse’ means, but you’ll figure it out. If you want an eleven inch crepe pan, get rid of the rim entirely. Spreader and spatula sold separately. We definitely know what crepes are.

“Yay…!” Nacho weakly cheered as he unhooked both pauldrons and held them in the air. “More non-stick pans.”

Colleen grinned and whispered to her mother. “He’s like that guy on Christmas who gets excited over socks.”

The minute Nacho picked up the sabatons, they vanished as metal ridges appeared on his normal boots. That was all that happened. He liked how his boots looked, all decked out in metal, but he’d expected another saucy name for the armored shoes. When nothing else happened, and no further happy messages assaulted his senses, he felt a little disappointed.

He wrinkled his nose. “Looks like the sabatons just augmented my existing-?”

Gravy Boots

Mystery item—Must be Level 20 to Unlock The Special Ability.

“What do your boots do?” The Healer questioned instantly. Nacho assumed that Reuben must’ve seen the lights flash in his eyes. “Do they turn into muffin pans? I miss muffins. I know, I know. They’re breakfast cake. I like breakfast, and I like cake, so it’s only natural that muffins would have my firm and unwavering support.”

“I won’t know until level… twenty? Yikes. But they aren’t called sabatons anymore. They are Gravy Boots now.” Nacho picked up the shield and smiled widely. The minute he touched it, the shield turned into a giant cast-iron skillet. His mouth immediately began to water. He could make some major biscuits in that pan, without a doubt.

Skillet of Turtling

Is it armor for your back? Is it a shield? Is it a weapon of mass food construction? Yes, yes… and yes. The Skillet of Turtling is there for you when you need it, such as needing to fry up five dozen eggs or a barrel of boar bacon—if you want to enjoy battling in and out of the kitchen, then this is the skillet for you!

As a weapon, the skillet does a base damage of 10 Health Points while protecting you like a shield should. Plus, it’s as fireproof as the Gauntlets of Oven Taming!

Does not shrink for either battle or biscuits. Why should it? You have your Pauldrons of Frying that are fully customizable!

Nacho put on all the armor and slid the Skillet of Turtling on his back with the handle angled up so he could grab it. Somehow, it stuck back there because… magic. Possibly large magnets. “I feel a little like a superhero right now. Aren’t there superheroes that use shields?”

“You are joking. Someone tell me he's joking.” Reuben looked personally offended by the comment, so Nacho decided to stop messing around and get back to work.

The cook immediately practiced snatching the Skillet of Turtling off his back and swinging it like a club. He could see how it might work as a pretty hefty weapon. It also stuck automatically to the front of his Gauntlet of Oven Taming, so it really did act as a shield. The downside to that soon became clear: as soon as it was off his back and used for another purpose, there was nothing protecting his back from damage.

Not ideal when his main human opponent was an Assassin that was really good at backstabbing people. He slipped the enormous skillet back onto his back and looked around the room, pretending to feel all sorts of hoity-toity. “Well, now, how do I look?’

Brie hid her smirk behind her glass of wine. “You look like someone who opened a cupboard too fast and all the stuff fell out on him. If you were flat on the ground, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.”

“That's what I thought.” Nacho directly ignored her comment. “I look awesome. Reuben will think so, for sure.”

The oven gloves—still bright red with yellow smiley faces—was the only thing that felt really out of place. Reuben agreed with a double thumbs-up. “Absolutely, you do! Also, you’re protected. That’s the most important thing. I’m just glad you didn’t get a gravy boat codpiece.”

“It would really seal in the flavor.” Nacho proudly quoted a fan-written line of dialogue attributed to a bat-inspired superhero persona which he had read on the internet years ago.

“I hated that, thanks.” Brie grimaced and had to firmly set her drink down.

Scrubz stood up and walked over, eyeing Nacho up and down. “You know how Brie goes into combat, and she’s this avenging Valkyrie with her matching armor and big hammer? Well, you’re like… the opposite of that.”

Nacho slung on the belt with his HungerCry Knives in their sheaths on either side of his hips. “Is this better?”

Scrubz shrugged and snorted disparagingly. “You’re a Satiation Player. You look like a Satiation Player. Is that bad? No, but you look as useless as you actually are-*eep*!”

Nacho had flashed across the space between them in an instant. Silent, near-flawless movement without a hint of wasted effort, all so perfectly choreographed that it was hard to keep track of him.

“There's a rule we used to follow in gaming.” The knives he had just strapped on tapped on Scrubz’s shoulders twice before he idly spun them in the air and slammed them back into their sheaths. “Never judge a player by their gear. The more ridiculous it looks, the better stats it probably has. If you see a dude running around in hot-pink bikini armor, you should run and hide. It’s likely you can’t even damage him, thanks to the powerful options it grants him. You see a cook wearing a kitchen, be very afraid.”

“It’s perfect camouflage!” Old Bill burst out with sheer exultation. “No one in their right mind would go after you first. That’s good. We need you alive, Nacho. Those abyssal hamburgers you made tonight were the best I’ve had in a long time, and I mean even before the Juxtaposition.”

Nacho accepted the compliment. If old Bill was right, then he was going to be hiding in plain sight as the cook of the group—and who killed the cook first? Not the monsters—they wouldn’t care—but the thing he feared the most, the players, wouldn’t either.

He’d be a target to capture, but never to kill.

With that reassuring thought in mind, Nacho took a deep breath and waved farewell to his guild, stepping back into the kitchen. It was time to get prepared to leave at first light. He’d find the Dragon Spear before anyone else, and he didn’t mind looking ridiculous while doing it.

Success was all that mattered.