CWD: Sewer Skewers ~ Five

The cook had no idea how he hadn’t noticed until it was pointed out, but the Costco just kept going past the boundary where the normal cinderblock walls should’ve ended. Another series of shelves lurked in the semidarkness, full of various objects any knight might use on a quest for the Holy Grail. They walked to the first rack, which extended up to a ceiling that lacked wires, lights, or industrial supports; just simple rough-hewn stone.

The minute they left the Costco proper, the Juxtaposition sent them a message.

Welcome, Players, to the Bonus Shelves. Beyond this transitory area is the Ye Olde Scary Shelves Dungeon, where fiends lurk. The bonus shelves are just that: shelves of happy bonuses! There’s a little treasure trove in the KC Costco UnderFun for you all. Congrats on killing the Bove. You certainly seem to be going places and causing us some worry. We didn’t think you’d get this far this fast. Go, you! Race toward an early death!

“Did you get the-”

Brie answered before he could finish the question. “Yeah, I just saw that. The fact that the Patrons are worried about us has me worried… kinda feels like we might have a target on our backs.”

Nacho couldn’t help but frown as he inspected the first of the bonus shelves. There, in plain sight, were stacks of swords in cardboard boxes. Yep. Sword in a box. At first, he thought they were plastic, but they turned out to be actual steel broadswords encased in the bright yellow and red Juxtaposition packaging.

Behind him, Taye was still going around collecting arrows, while Abby and Kristie had exited the store to go back and check on the rest of the guild members. Nacho was glad they hadn’t included the whole gang in the fight. Even at level nine, the spiders would've definitely killed some of the weaker members of his guild. Reuben came ambling up with his hand buried in a big plastic bag of Wheat Thins, his open-mouth munching interrupting Nacho’s ruminations. “What’s ya guys find?”

Brie unboxed one of the swords and gave it a practice swing. “Huh. This is… what are we supposed to do with this?”

Nacho took a handful of Wheat Thins and started crunching happily as he thought.

Kirkland Imported Signature Sword

Includes: A point for stabbing. Two relatively sharp sides for chopping into the flesh of your enemies (enemies not included). A crossguard, so you don’t lose a hand. A handle wrapped in cow leather to improve the smell of your hands. A pommel made of recycled plastic. Sheath sold separately.

“‘Kiss’ swords.” Reuben nodded as he thought over the name of the weapon. “Keep it super simple swords.”

“Good point. That most likely means that none of them are magical,” Nacho muttered as he glanced over all the boxes. “Which makes sense. But there are hundreds of them. Let’s get the guild in here to clean out the lot and make sure that every single member of the Chips has a sharp edge.”

“Not so fast.” Brie pointed upward, drawing his attention to the fact that there weren’t just swords, but also Kirkland Signature maces, flails, polearms, and battle axes. Deeper in on larger shelves lay suits of armor with every piece packaged separately. Breastplates, chainmail shirts, and all the various accessories were present, though the descriptions for the armor were neither helpful nor funny. “Make sure they all have a decent weapon and armor, is what we should say.”

Brie found Reuben a great helmet that would match his chainmail and gauntlets perfectly. The Healer lifted it with a slight hint of disgust and shook his head. “Nope. My current head protection is at ten. This metal bucket would give me ten, but I don’t need that much metal sitting on my noggin. My leather Helm of Helming is perfect for both comfort and functionality.”

“Only as long as you’re Tier zero.” Nacho tried to wheedle a deal out of his best friend as he touched another packaged helmet on the shelf. “Once we all advance to level ten, or Tier one, level zero, we’re going to need to find new items. Well… you two will. I can upgrade the HungerCry Knives.”

“I’ll lose my gauntlets? Say it’s not so!” Reuben pantomimed wiping away a tear, then dramatically clutched his hands together, crushing the top of the bag of crackers. “Whatever shall I do, when I can find fist-weapons wherever I decide to go for a stroll?”

Nacho and Brie rolled their eyes, and the trio continued on down the helmet aisle. Each package seemed to be reminding Nacho that he needed to invest in some protection to help him to avoid some of the damage he normally experienced in combat. He’d always found himself stabbing things when the situation turned dire, which tended to result in getting smacked around like he was a front-line fighter. If they kept up this pace, all too soon, he’d take a hit that he couldn’t afford.

The truth was, Nacho was great at killing. He’d spent three years of his life fighting in the Probability Vision for what he thought was his life. Now that he had better skills and weaponry—the HungerCry Knives and his Small Blades ability—he could do hefty damage. In fact, thanks to the synergy of those in conjunction with his Build Type giving him additional stat points in bulk, he could deal nearly as much damage as Brie with her hammer.

The main difference was that Brie could release that damage in a single payload—one big smash—therefore meeting the minimum threshold for damaging low-level Tier one monsters. For Nacho, it was spread out among four attacks, and the low amounts of damage were practically slivers for the monsters if he was fighting up a Tier.

Reuben found a shelf of shields zip-tied to big yellow-and-red cardboard backs. He removed one, and a bunch of others clattered to the ground in a hurricane of noise that set the rest of them on their toes, weapons ready. “Sorry, guys… never took the training on how to properly stow medieval armor and weaponry.”

They held their position silently for a long moment, but nothing came racing from the darkness to punish them for Reuben’s mistake. Satisfied that they were all clear, Nacho nodded and slowly moved away from the pile of shields with his lantern raised. At the very end of the shelves of shields, they found a new row of freezers, with huge blocks of ice visible behind the glass doors.

Behind the strange freezers was the edge of the Bonus Shelves. They stood on the edge of a vast cavern, and the cook noticed that stairs had been cut into the side of the sheer cliff. The Patrons must’ve carved this whole place out of the bedrock, because it wasn’t a natural cavern—all of the cuts were perfect ninety-degree angles. The floor was just barely visible about five hundred feet below, but the cavern below was filled with shelving units as far as the eye could see.

“Those must be the Scary Shelves,” Brie reminded them as they all shook themselves out of their awed astonishment. “This time, the Patrons found the perfect name. It’s kind of eerie that all of them are empty, don’t you think?”

“Empty? You’re sure…?” Nacho stepped away from the edge, deciding that they could explore the deeper area once they’d bought more power. A lot more, if the named rat was any indication of what they’d be facing below. “I wasn’t sure if we should press our luck by going down the steps, but that settles it for me.”

Reuben pointed out something that Nacho hadn’t considered. “You know, I would’ve expected to see the street, or pipes down there. Something, you know, from our world. But that’s all Patron dungeon, and it messes with my head a little.”

“Guys.” Taye’s voice echoed from where he had stopped at the freezer doors. “I think I found something over here.”

Reuben and his friends turned from the ledge and joined their exultant young teammate. Behind one door of the frosty glass hung a full Archer’s set of impressive chain and leather armor done up in browns and greens. Arm and finger guards, an embellished bow, and finally a fancy quiver with well-made arrows in the same color scheme sat on the shelf behind it.

Reuben slapped the teen’s arm in excitement. “Looks like you hit the jackpot, Taye! Those are some awesome arrows. Uhh, why aren’t you yanking open those doors?”

“That’d be…” Taye squinted at Reuben like he was a crazy man. “…because this is the Juxtaposition? I might open the doors, which might be trapped, and the Patrons would be all like: Congratulations! You opened the freezer, so we’ll freeze you.”

Reuben pointed at him as he grinned back at his now-leery friends. “Loving this guy! He gets it!”

“Isn’t he great? I want to be like Taye when I grow up.” Nacho took a moment to use his System View on the loot inside the Freezer.

Tier One Robbin’ Hoodie Archer Pack:

Includes:

• Fashionable wrist guard and finger guard done in green and black. They aren’t magical, but they are effective. +10% to your skill check when pickpocketing.
• Chain and Leather Armor of No-Arrows Allowed.
• Great Bow of Strength Detection.
• Quiver of Doubling.
• Assorted Arrows of Mass Destruction, or AMD’s (Not to be confused with your so-called microchips, which aren’t chips at all. They tasted terrible. We tried some Intel chips with French onion dip, and they weren’t bad. Not great, but not bad.)

Nacho gave Taye a slow but encouraging nod as he looked over the door itself. “We should be okay to open up the case, but there is some bad news. You’re not going to be able to use any of that stuff until you’re Tier one.”

“Figures,” Taye grumbled as he eyed the gear longingly. “I’ve been dying for some magic arrows. I was thinking of buying some exploding arrows from the Store, but they’re so expensive—you have to buy them by the individual shaft.”

Nacho checked the Store and winced; he couldn’t blame their archer for not spending two hundred credits on a single arrow. Taye tilted his head as he looked over the gear once more. “What would happen if I tried to use Tier one weapons? Would they explode?”

Nacho touched the doors to the freezer and felt the cold on the other side. “They might. That’s the problem; the result is practically random. Most of the time, if you use cross-Tier items, they work, but you can’t use their magic until you hit that Tier. That’s the best-case scenario. Unfortunately, they might explode instead, like you said. Worst case? Kills you instantly and leaves your team with some kind of snotty retort and a body to bury.”

“There has to be a story there, right?” Brie tossed the loaded question his way, and Nacho suddenly felt the need to remind them again, very gently, that he would like to keep his boon and past hidden from the general populace.

“A small story.” Nacho stated softly, “I knew a guy with a Tier two shield, and it turned into cardboard just as he went to block a hit. He died almost instantly, and the position got overrun. The Patrons sent us a message that said ‘he made a mistake, he was using a shield too powerful, and they were revoking his cool magic shield privileges’. Short answer? Just don’t.”

“Wow… people already found gear that good? I feel like I’m behind the curve now.” Taye didn’t move to open the freezer door; instead, he simply continued eyeing the door, thinking and rubbing his chin. “It’s an interesting game mechanic. Tying magical items to Tiers allows you to retire overly powerful items and entice your players to level faster so they can use the next overpowered stuff they find.”

“I like my hammer.” Brie was too serious, nearing surly. “What if I want to use the Splatter Mallet after I level?”

“You can… but it won’t be magical anymore.” Nacho put his hand on the handle. Since Taye had suggested the freezers might be trapped, he was feeling paranoid. Then again, was it really paranoia if the Patrons were actually out to get them? “When you Tier up, there’s an option to attempt to upgrade your gear available for purchase in the Store, but buying a new item is usually safer and, um, better overall.”

“Well, I’ll need to find a Tier one hammer, then.” Brie swung the Splatter Mallet back and forth a few times. “Should I just break the glass?”

Nacho shook his head, took a breath, and yanked open the door while diving back in a tumbling roll. Nothing came out except a wave of cold air. It actually smelled good in there, sterile and clean. Taye crept forward to remove the items, nearly caressing the arrows he couldn’t use. The cook regained his feet and patted the archer on the back. “We’ll just have to work harder to get you to Tier one. How much were the Spiders worth, anyway?”

Brie rolled her eyes as she was reminded about her failed fight. “Reuben mentioned the Spiders were worth twenty each, but I think Taye and Kristie got most of those.”

“I’ll have you know I killed six,” Reuben defensively argued, finally deciding to rejoin the conversation, now that the Wheat Thins had been reduced to crumbs.

“All progress is good progress.” Nacho shook his head as he contemplated their day thus far. “Yep. We’ve got to grind more, and all of this standard gear will help us a ton. Once we get the rest of the guild outfitted and running the dungeons more often, the taxes will come rolling in. Then we build walls around Armor Mountain, find a nice cottage for this newly married couple I know, and then we pour our credits into our levels.”

“It’s us.” Reuben raised a hand, pointing the other at his wife, then himself as he grinned at Brie. “We’re the newly married couple.”

“Yes, dear,” Brie grumbled good-naturedly as Nacho lifted the lantern and went to inspect the next compartment of the freezer. This one displayed a full suit of armor, excellent stuff, but he just knew it was going to be Tier one. He swept his System View over the cold, heavy metal anyway.

Tier 1 Saturday Knight Armor:

Includes:

• Super Stiff Sabatons
• Thick Thigh Guards
• A Curious Cuirass
• Disco Pauldrons
• Helmet of Dancing Majesty

Reuben’s glove came down on Nacho’s neck. “We were just talking about you getting armor, but it’s pretty clear that’s going to be for a Body Player. I’ll tell you right now, I’m calling dibs on this set. It’s custom-made for me.”

Nacho ducked away from the gauntlet. “Unless, when I grab it, it changes like the MurderSong Blades did. We’ll wait and see with this one… it feels too magical to make any plans without knowing for sure. Maybe we can offer a competition in the guild? First person to level ten gets the armor.”

“Or we could auction off the items.” Brie frowned as a nervous look crossed her face. “We have to make it clear we’re not stealing credits from the guild coffers.”

“It’s fine, guys.” Taye interrupted the worried musings. “Most of the people trust you. Not the Bills, and maybe not the people they hang out with, but everyone else does. You’re always risking your necks for the rest of us, so you should be getting a few extra benefits.”

They moved over to the last case, and there were bags and bags… of frozen potstickers. Most of the bags were the basic brand, but there was one that looked wickedly different. It was a bag of ‘Firefly’ Potstickers, and the front label boasted a sketch of potstickers with little firefly wings attached to them.

Finally, the vision that Nacho had seen upon entering the dungeon made sense. The conversation with Crave in the Probability Vision was all forced into his head to make him realize that there was something new he needed to be on the lookout for. He’d bet his last credit that this bag was a gift from Kronos. Nacho felt a smile cross his face as he eyed the Tier one food just waiting for him to be able to cook it.

It seemed his Patron was still watching out for them after all.