CWD: GA ~ Twenty-Seven

“Not what you were expecting?” Reuben saw Nacho’s thunderous face and reached out a reassuring hand. “Dude. It’s okay. I know it sucks. Bob was this big feathered killing machine, and he was only worth twenty-five credits. We got twenty apiece for the Rave-ings, and they were a fifth as strong.”

Again, Brie spoke with her mouth full, her voice garbled slightly. “We got the bonus, though.”

“Cold comfort, I tell you!” Reuben shrugged as he drank more water to refill his mana pool. Utterly despondent over his failure to earn his prize, Nacho couldn’t respond, despite the increasingly concerned glances the other two shared. While there were other passages into the MurderSong of Croaking dungeon, he couldn’t imagine Myron would’ve wandered around too much.

No, the MurderSong Blades had to be a part of the Crow King’s loot.

That only left exploring the room. His eyes turned to the throne.

He peered more closely at the messy nest. The big pile of sticks and partially visible fragments of scavenged items had been woven together haphazardly with copious amounts of feathers. His curiosity spiking, Nacho re-lit the lantern and slid all the neon jewelry off his limbs. They definitely wouldn’t be taking the ridiculous pieces with them.

Squinting, the cook lifted the lantern hood so that the full flame was exposed.

The flickering light reflected off a few rusted trumpets, a splintered guitar, and some album covers—which was odd, given the fact that they weren’t on Earth anymore. Nacho gingerly removed the guitar, hoping he wouldn’t have to dig through the entire throne… and there they were. There, nestled among the sticks, were two daggers—one thick with an almost cleaver-like blade, the other a full-on battle dagger with a grand cross-guard to prevent the wielder’s hand from sliding along the blade when they hit bone.

These were unquestionably the MurderSong Blades. “I found them.”

Nacho didn’t bother with the System View. He reverently lifted the pair of blades with unshed tears glistening at the corners of his eyes… until they simultaneously shifted right before his eyes. “No!”

Suddenly, he was holding a full-on cooking cleaver and what had to be a chef’s knife. Neither would be found in a medieval weapons museum, true, but they could be purchased at any local high-end grocery store. Before his panic could override his brain, the System cheerily granted Nacho astounding information.

These were the MurderSong Blades (Tier 0 Weapons, Upgradeable), but you’re not a simple murderer! You’re so much more, and these lil beauties gotta match that!

Item Update!

Weapons: MurderSong Blades become… HungerCry Knives!

Congratulations, Satiation Player! You’ll earn bonuses on chopping, dicing, and other kitchen-related activities.

Would you like more info on these amazing blades of deliciousness?

Yes / No

Nacho realized a couple things in that moment, and his shock must have shown clearly on his face. Reuben, still holding his water bottle, came close. “You okay, my cheesy chip?”

Brie stood back, ripping into a hunk of jerky with her teeth. “I think the knives are either better than he thought, or way worse. Don’t tell me they’re worse. I don’t want to know if killing the big bird thing gave us butter knives.”

“Don’t know yet.” The reply came out as a raspy whisper. Nacho’s mouth had become so dry he could hardly talk. He’d come for powerful Assassin daggers, but the Juxtaposition had other ideas. As far as he could tell, just like the Splatter Millet, the daggers had changed because he wasn’t a Body Player. He was a Satiation Player, and he had finally realized what that meant for his ability to do… anything.

Brie’s chewing slowed as she grasped how serious the situation was. “Nacho, what's going on?”

He lifted the cleaver, then the chef’s knife. “This is Hunger, and this is Cry. Say hello.”

“Knives don’t talk, Nacho. How could they say hello?” Reuben chuckled at himself and motioned with his water bottle. “Why are you getting all weepy over knives?”

“It’s just… everything has changed. I figured if I got the MurderSong Blades, I might be able to use them to hack apart monsters and still get paid.” Nacho let his arms fall to his sides as he huffed out a long sigh and stared at the ground. “You know, I thought I’d be useful in fights—get us more credits—but I don’t think that’s going to be the case. I’m going to spend the apocalypse in the kitchen. Cooking.”

Reuben immediately grasped his dilemma and nodded along at the assessment. “Oh, man. Before, you were Mad Max, and now you’re Martha Stewart. But, you know, look on the bright side? Anything you cook has to be better than the Store food.”

Brie quirked a skeptical eyebrow. “So far everything Nacho tries to cook turns into goo, and he refuses to try to improve.”

“I’m hoping with a recipe, I’ll do better.” Nacho inhaled and tried to let go of the massive disappointment filling his chest. “Okay. I’m not going to be helpful in battle, so I shouldn’t fight unless it’s absolutely necessary. We need all the credits we can get, and I can help both by using my Ingredient Processing skill, as well as selling the food I cook.”

Reuben smiled brightly. “That means people—customers—which makes my marketing skill useful again! Just you wait. I’ll have people lined up outside of our shop. Cart? Kiosk? Cart Kiosk? Yes, the combination is different from the individual version. Oh! Food truck!”

“No internal combustion engines,” Brie pointed out kindly as she stretched.

Reuben shrugged and kept rambling. “Market stall. Get your Nachos here! Fresh, hot nachos!”

“If I wanted someone to eat me, I would just find an oversized monster.” Despite his doleful reply, Nacho was already feeling better; his best friend had always had that effect on him. He had to admit that he was still curious about the benefits his cooking could bring, so he took a look through the Store once more. The three of them had a collective three hundred and sixty-two credits, but he needed more—two hundred for a recipe and two hundred for whatever this Coquinaria was. He didn’t want to risk going deeper into the dungeon—an actual Tier one monster would annihilate them. That meant going back to the surface and hunting up there.

In preparation, he and Reuben finished ransacking the stick throne, mostly freeing bits of broken glass, some buckles, and a few jewels and gold pieces. They added a couple of diamonds and a fist-sized sapphire to their inventory along with the seventy-six gold pieces.

They were about to give up when Reuben unearthed a pair of metal boots—shining steel, gold trim, and golden buckles securing sturdy leather straps. The System View proclaimed they were Tier zero Armor called the ‘Saucy Sabatons of Lower Half Protection’.

“Sabatons? They rock!” Reuben grabbed at the boots and mimicked an air guitar. “Do I look good? I feel like I look good.”

Brie was unamused. “No man has ever looked good playing the air guitar. A real guitar? Yes. Oh my, yes. But the time, place, and hair all play into the equation. As does a helmet that an ogre should be wearing instead of a human.”

Chuckling at their good-natured banter, Nacho idly bent and tore a handful of sticks off the base of the throne. Something small glittered from within a deep mess of feathers. “A ring? Listen, I don’t have an opinion on the cute factor of guitar players, but I do agree that sabatons rock—also, Brie should get the boots.”

“Hey! Traitor!” Rueben yelped as Brie snatched the boots and sat down to pull them on. “Just because she’s cute doesn’t mean she gets all the shoes she wants!”

Nacho ignored the spluttering Healer and extracted the innocuous-looking gold ring, earning another message.

Congratulations, Player! You’ve found the Ring of Cheese (Tier 0 Magic Item)! Magic rings don’t get any cheddar than this! Don’t swiss out! It’s not bad, it’s gouda!

Nacho held up the ring for the others to see, his brow furrowed in confusion. “Well, I found a magic item in all the mess. Not sure what it does, but it seems… cheese related?”

“Summon fondue?” Reuben’s eyes widened hopefully. “Do you know that cheese is as addictive as most drugs back on earth? I’ve been thinking about it all day, but I didn’t want to say anything.”

“Not sure what it does yet, but is it okay if I keep it?” Nacho requested with a wince. “I don't mean to be greedy, and I already got-”

Reuben nodded and waved to quiet him down. “Sure, sure. It might go with the knives? Maybe you’ll get bonuses for chopping up a cheese plate? Brie… help me out here… does one chop cheese?”

Nacho tucked the ring away, not willing to put it on yet, just in case it might be cursed. “You cut cheese-”

“Can do!” Reuben let out a massive stench and fell to the ground laughing as the others scrambled away from him in disgust.

Scowling at her fiancé’s antics, Brie finished securing the metal boots, which matched her chainmail and helm fairly well. She took a few experimental steps and examined them carefully. “Even though there’s a slight gap between the chainmail and the boots, my legs are now fully armored. These sabatons appear to be magical.”

“As is my love for you,” Reuben crooned as he reached out for a hug, waving his arms to spread the filthy air around him at the same time. Brie shoved him away, laughing and shrieking her adamant refusal to let him get closer at the top of her lungs.

Nacho grimaced as he found that backing up wouldn’t let him escape anymore. “Gross. Let’s get out of here.”

They hurriedly climbed back up the ladder and raced up the corridor. As they approached the T-junction, they were greeted by caws, calls, and croaks rising in a cacophonous din from Caw Paw alley. Luckily for them, five more crow-panthers were milling about, which Brie and Reuben took care of quickly.

Another thirty-nine credits joined their pool, and they were that much closer to having a useful chef.

Outside, Nacho found a good place to camp downstream from the dungeon, well protected on one side by a solid chunk of limestone. The cold breeze smelled good as it rustled through the autumn trees, and the stream gurgled away, providing a relaxing serenity to their bivouac. After closing his eyes briefly and savoring the atmosphere, Nacho started a fire on the bank, which only added to the perfume. It truly was a pretty campsite, and he hoped to add a delicious meal to make it even better.

They had four hundred and one credits. He couldn’t believe they’d earned so many so quickly, and it was even harder to swallow that he was about to burn nearly all of those credits on cooking. The sun was dropping below the horizon when he finally accessed the Store. He was going to buy this Aria first, since it really did seem like the requisite basic item for a Satiation Player.

He winced as he forced himself to press the button to spend the money. A book appeared in one of his Storage Slots the next moment, and he transferred it to his hand with a thought. It was an unexpectedly big tome with an embossed cover, reminiscent of a medieval grimoire. He opened the book to the first page, and suddenly things started to make sense.

Welcome to your own, personal, private cookbook! The dining options will be endless! You’ll craft dishes that will make even the angriest chef delirious with happiness. This is your personal De Re Coquinaria, or in the original Latin: “On the Subject of Cooking”; in the updated Latin: “Cooking is the Thing to Make You a King!” This might have been one of the first cookbooks. Don’t ask us, ask Caelius Apicius!

Have fun cooking up victory, Satiation Player!

Nacho’s excitement was short-lived. The volume held nothing but blank pages, which was a formidable letdown after the triumphant introduction. However, if this was his cookbook, he’d eventually be able to fill it with recipes. “I will, right?”

“Now that is one big, juicy book.” Reuben tossed a stick onto the fire. “Level with me, Nacho… do we eat the book?”

“I think I’m supposed to fill it with recipes. The problem is… recipes are obnoxiously expensive. Right now, I’m only considering a pancake recipe. For one, the required ingredients are cheap if we have to get them from the Store. For another, we can make them ahead and eat them cold. It’s either this, or the ‘Very Fine Venison’ recipe in Cleaning and Cooking your Favorite Ungulate.”

“There seem to be quite a few Wight-Tails around, so the venison recipe might be the way to go.” Reuben rubbed his chin. “On the other hand, I do love me a good pancake.”

Nacho’s mind spun as he considered other options. He was beginning to feel scattered by all the choices. “We’ve been fighting a lot of bird monsters. Maybe I should find a poultry recipe?”

“I like chicken, but will a chicken recipe work on cooking something bigger, like a Caw Paw?” Brie was using the Splatter Mallet to mash logs—she didn’t so much cut the wood, as pulverized it into submission. She also employed her hatchet from time to time, which worked excellently on smaller sticks.

Nacho frowned indecisively and grimaced at the near-empty account. “I just don’t know.”

Reuben, noting his friend’s rising anxiety, sat down on a log and held his stomach. “No worries. This is like any game. At the beginning, we have to make some hard choices, invest in late-game skills, the usual.”

Brie smashed her hammer into another log, which cracked enough for her to pull it apart. “Keep it simple, boys. I think we start with pancakes. They’re easy to cook, and if they aren’t terrible, we can sell them to other people and start generating credits. Once Nacho gets better with the simple things, he can graduate to something harder than ‘flat bread’.”

“Pancakes it is.” Nacho shook his head in horror as he opened the Store once more. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

In seconds, he had the recipe for the International Monster of Pancakes in his Storage Slots. When he brought it forward, the paper didn’t appear in his hands; the recipe went right into his Aria—and suddenly, he had a table of contents under a new category: Breakfasts for Champions, As Well As for Losers.

Congratulations! For buying your first class Grimoire and spell, you earn three bonus spells! Now you can make pancakes, oatmeal, grits, and turkey sausage!

“That’s neat… how did it…?” Reuben leaned forward to read from the book. “Please. For one, pancakes aren’t just for breakfast. For another? I resemble those remarks.”

Snorting a laugh, Brie dumped an armful of wood onto the ground, then eyed the cook. “How much food do we have left? I polished off the jerky before we left the caves.”

Nacho thought for a minute as he mentally tallied their reserves. “We have some trail mix left, some oatmeal, one protein bar, and a few MREs. Our coffee runs out tomorrow.”

“That’s a problem,” Brie informed the two men sternly while trying to maintain eye contact. In turn, they tried their hardest to avoid her warning glare.

Nacho broke first and was drawn back to the Store in search of decent coffee. That was when he realized his mistake: they were down to a single credit. He had been so focused on purchasing the book and recipe that they couldn’t afford to buy the ingredients: flour, baking powder, sugar, milk, eggs, and melted butter—not to mention it called for a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan. He had the pan. He’d also need to buy some cooking oil. Or could he fry them up in butter?

Maybe if he didn’t buy all of the ingredients, he could still cook the recipe. He only needed three, so in theory, he could make the pancakes without the melted butter or the sugar. But did he really want to take chances on his first meal?

Reuben looked up from digging through his bag and heaved an exaggerated sigh. “He said we have trail mix, but we don’t. We have raisins and peanuts. No M&Ms, Brie. Nacho brings us to this blasted world, and he doesn’t bring M&Ms.”

The woman sat down with them on a log. “Nacho didn’t bring us here. The Patrons did. Nacho kept us alive, and we are grateful. We don’t need M&Ms.”

“Tomorrow, we’ll need roughly five credits, but I think I can cook us some breakfast.” Nacho closed his cooking grimoire, then remembered the Splatter Millet. “Wait, I have my little hammer! If we find wheat, I might be able to make flour myself.”

“Do you have any idea what wheat looks like?” Reuben snorted at the thought. “Because I don’t, unless we’re talking about video games.”

“You have a point.” Deflating, Nacho reluctantly tucked the tiny hammer away in his pack.

They didn’t have enough credits to buy even a single meal from the Store, and while they had some food, they needed to save it for when they really needed it. Fortunately, Nacho hadn’t used his Skills, so he could push on for a few more hours. He had a vague notion that he was hungry, but it was easy to ignore.

Reuben was in the same position, though they did boil more water to fill their water bottles. He didn’t need food until he hit the twenty-four-hour mark, and Brie had eaten all the jerky after their fight to get her Hunger levels back up to a hundred percent.

Instead of a happy little meal around their fire, they sat in silence on their logs while keeping an eye out for monsters. Nacho almost wanted something to come racing out of the woods so they could kill it, earning enough credits to make food, or maybe just to pass the time. Instead, he settled for pulling up more info on the HungerCry Knives.

The Juxtaposition message was unexpectedly helpful this time.

The HungerCry Knives (Tier 0 Weapon, Upgradeable) are an amazing addition to any Satiation Player’s inventory of cooking utensils. High-quality tools mean high-quality output!

• All slicing and dicing will give the chef 50% more ingredients. Cut off a chicken leg, and get a leg and a half of meat!
• Cut things 100% faster! Double your cutting time with 0% chance of hacking off a finger! This is important. Cooks need their fingers.
• Carve up high-Tier meat like a pro! Using the HungerCry Knives, you can pierce the skin of monsters one Tier higher than you, leaving damage even if you don’t meet the damage threshold!

Upon learning what the knives could do, he was regretting his pancake decision. In the end, making pancakes had to be easier than gutting and processing a Wight-Tailed Deer. It was ironic that the HungerCry Knives didn’t do double damage like Brie’s hammer. In fact, from what he could tell they would just function like normal daggers in combat.

With his curiosity piqued, Nacho tried to look into the Ring of Cheese, but there was no information available. Just a lot of bad cheese puns. An Inspect Skill would be handy, but that was thousands of credits. He lifted the ring up between his index finger and thumb, studying the glittering accessory in the fading light. “I’m going to put the ring on, guys. If I can’t take it off, you’ll have to wrestle me down and cut off my finger. Are you good with that?”

“You wanna tell us why?” Brie wondered while giving him a concerned glance. “Are you okay?”

“Classic cursed ring.” Reuben gave him a comprehending nod. “We’ll horribly dismember you if we have to do so, Nacho. You can count on us, but maybe not your fingers in a few seconds. At least not to ten.”

Nacho laughed nervously as he put on the ring… and nothing happened. He carefully slid it off. Still nothing.

“Did you feel anything? Reuben inquired of his friend. “Probably not, just like your last girlfriend; hence third-wheeling it with us.”

“I did feel something just now.” Nacho narrowed his eyes. “The overwhelming urge to stab you in the mouth.”

“So nothing out of the ordinary?” Reuben chuckled, even evoking a laugh from Brie.

“Nothing.” Nacho stood and brushed off his rear. “Okay, let’s go through the routine.”

With Reuben coaching and Brie watching, Nacho began to test what the ring could do. He tried to fly by jumping up and down, as well as just thinking really hard of flying. “Nope. Appears not to be a ring of flight.”

He put his hand close to the fire, but instead of being fireproof, he got a little burn. “Not fireproof, but Health Regen will take care of that. I suppose I could jump into the river to see if I could breathe, but I just don’t care that much. Finally… nope, can’t make cheese out of nothing. I might buy some later to see if I can control it.”

Brie made no effort to hide the little grin on her face. “Well, that was entertaining.”

“Thanks.” Nacho tossed the ring into the air and caught it, using some minor sleight of hand to make it vanish into his inventory. “We’ll just have to hope we figure it out eventually.”

After killing Bob Bass the Crow King, they had a lot to celebrate, but sipping water around the fire didn’t feel much like a celebration. Instead, they decided to turn in early; Reuben once again took the middle watch and woke Nacho up for the last watch.

The cook kept the fire going through the frigid cold of the early morning. When the light streamed over the horizon, he gazed dreamily across the stream and spotted an old friend: a Puckered Granny apple tree.

An idea struck him, and the simplicity of it made him smile.

He was going to make this Satiation Player thing work for him.