Q&A: Being Out Among Conservatives

How do you as a family and each of you individually deal with the temptation to regress and hide given our overly religious, super conservative society? -Zach

Hey Zach,

Simon and I both dealt with keeping the secret of being gay in our own way when growing up. For me, it was very risky as my parents weren't supportive of anything and had outright homophobic views and remarks to share whenever the topic came up. Simon had more supportive parents but he still had some reservations and chose to come out when he felt ready.

I feel like once you're ready, it's almost an obligation to be out and make people see there are more LGBTQ people around than they ever thought. Conservative people might want to pretend more people are gay lately or there's some kind of "agenda" but the reality is it's their small understanding of the world around them that limits their point of view. They've had the world their way for so long, they get threatened by seeing minorities become so visible and treated fairly. The way I see it, the more we all openly say we're LGBTQ if it's brought up, the more the world will see it's not something we're ashamed of, embarrassed by, or wanting to keep secret. It's normal.

Now, that being said, it's different for everyone and it's up to the individual to determine if their ability to come out is safe. Unfortunately too many people are in situation where they face abuse or worse at the hands of their family or friends if they come out. That in itself is despicable but it's a very real part of our society. I waited until I was living on my own to come out to my parents because I knew their reaction would be negative and I didn't want to risk what they'd be capable of while still in control of my living situation.

As for the religious , people choose their religion, but nobody chooses their sexual orientation. The way I view it, when people choose to follow a religion that's telling them to hate or discriminate against someone, they've made a poor choice and that reflects on their character. Therefor, their opinions about who they're hating are irrelevant because in this life you either choose to support equality for everyone or you subscribe to bigotry. The moment someone decides they prefer bigotry, they've demonstrated their opinions just don't matter because they're not looking out for everyone's happiness, just their own narrow version of it for themselves.

Now I'm not going to say it's easy to be out. I know there's discrimination out there and it's always a wonder in the back of my mind if we're going to be discriminated against once we reveal we're gay, but it's just a chance we have to take.

As for our son, he's actually had to stand up for himself and others at school. Just recently he and another student had to report a boy who, while overhearing their conversation about LGBTQ rights, told them "all gays should be gassed". Obviously this is the kids parents talking, but just the same, this kind of thing can't be tolerated or it gives a false impression to conservative thinkers "it's just an opinion". This is another example of how being an out adult helps the youth see LGBTQ people as people, not the "monsters" their parents make them out to be.

Sometimes we'll get teased or mocked for being who we are, but the truth is if you look at who's doing the teasing and mocking, it's sad or hurt people who learned their behavior from other sad or hurt people. Rather than letting their opinions affect you, just feel bad for them being trapped in such a narrow mind they think someone's else's happiness has any effect on them at all. The only power they get is what we give them when we show how their comments affect us. They don't. They're just words. Unless they get aggressive or violent, then shut them down. Ignorant opinions are one thing, but anyone making threats or demonstrating aggression should be reported.

So come out in your own time and be proud of who you are. Especially in the face of people who try to put you down. No one who shares awful opinions of discrimination or bigotry is worth listening to. Surround yourself with the people who matter; those who care, are supportive, and build you up. Lastly, always remember you need to be your number one supporter <3