To be a Human (Xianxia/ Custodes SI): Chapter 3

Death. That is the only thing I found when I located the source of the smells.

It took me two days of travelling through the never-ending forest to locate the source of the smell in a small clearing.

A clearing filled with decaying dead bodies, burnt objects that were now unrecognizable, and blood, a lot of blood.

The dead bodies had humanoid forms. Whether they were some fantasy variant of humans or something else entirely, I do not know since they were charred beyond recognition.

This also means that my primary goal of finding proper clothing has gone down the drain.

……..Honesty, I don’t know if it is a good or bad thing that I feel nothing as I watched the decaying corpses of living creatures in front of me.

If it were the old me, I would already be puking my guts out at such a sight. Seriously, I always was queasy and did not do well with seeing blood. But now, I really felt nothing as I watched the corpses and blood.

‘I want out of this nightmare. Please.’

Suddenly, the scene in front of me was replaced with a different one that sent chills down my spine.

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It was Hive World. A place where humans were stacked together like animals and were treated even worse.

Within its accursed walls, unspeakable horrors unfolded on an hourly basis for thousands of years.

In front of my very eyes, this Hive World was overrun by grotesque creatures that could no longer be called human as they gave themselves to Chaos.

“I” Walked into that hell alone, for the level of heresy that took place within those walls was something that warranted my attention.

When “I” walked in, the Hive World held a population of nearly 60 billion. By the time “I” had done my duty, it was reduced to one. One billion.

One billion that was reduced to zero when the order for Exterminatus was given.

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I forcefully closed my eyes and suppressed those memories as best as I could.

I am not that monster! I will never be like that!!

Suddenly, the image was replaced with something else, but equally worse.

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“I” held a grim expression, watching as my junior disciples massacred the village of mortals below us in the name of ‘Righteousness.’

A cowardly excuse used by the Sect to kill anyone and anything that got in their way. An excuse used to steal what belonged to others.

“I” hated it, but I understood its use.

In fact, “I” may have even enjoyed it at one point.

The thrill of holding power over your fellow man, the boost to the ego you gain when a man twice your size and ten times your cultivation crawls on the ground, begging for the lives of his wife and children, just because you have the backing of a powerful sect behind you.

All the while, said family of the man suffers torture beyond imagination at the hands of my men.

However, all that enjoyment went down the drain when I fell in love myself and started to comprehend what my victims might have felt when they were at my mercy.

So, “I” watched silently from above my flying sword, doing my duty as the senior brother of the sect and making sure my juniors didn’t end up injured or dead, feeling nothing but apathy for the mortals below.

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‘NO!! I AM NOT THAT MAN!! I AM NOT THAT KIND OF A MONSTER!! STOP SHOVING THOSE IMAGES ON ME!!’

I howled in my mind and fell to my knees, tears falling down my eyes, and I used all of my willpower to suppress those horrible images.

I am not a cold and unfeeling machine like the Adeptus Custodes, and neither am I a monster like that Sect Brat whose body I now inhabit.

Yet, a dam, once broken, cannot be held back anymore.

Memories and experiences not my own started flowing into my mind, which drank it up without any problems, showing just how inhuman I had become.

Every monstrous act carried out by the sect brat, every inhuman and cold decision taken by the Custodes, everything!

For hours on end, memories kept pouring into me, mostly from the Custodes side of me since the sect brat was only around thirty years or so old and did not have much in the way of important memories.

The Custodes, on the other hand, had thousands upon thousands of years of memory and experience to share.

And given that my body had not exploded or driven me catatonic with the skill and experience I inherited, it was clear to see that my body had inherited the physical properties of the Custodes as well.

I hated it. I am ashamed of it.

When I die eventually, I am sure I can never look my parents in the eye ever again.

But there is nothing I can do about this anymore.

I picked myself up from the ground and started walking towards the corpses, glaring hatefully at them for causing all of this in the first place.

It is unjust of me to blame my problems on them, but right now, I don’t care about any of that.

That was why I was slightly rough in my handling of the corpses.

Dead men don’t need material objects, but the living do.

After looting their bodies and finding practically nothing aside from a few trinkets that I couldn’t make heads or tails of, I walked away.

I hate them.

I hate the sect brat for dying so foolishly and allowing me to be reborn like this.

I hate the Custodes for dying at the hands of Chaos and merging his disgusting and sinful soul with mine. I hate this world for what it stands for.

But, most importantly of all, I hate myself for accepting such a taint on my soul, even if involuntarily.