Weekly Update - 7th of October

Hey friends!

Proper update time.

To summarise what's currently going on with me...it's a little complicated. I'm sure I've mentioned my ADHD before but basically I'm in this state now where I'm having to get back into the routine of writing. "Starting" being the real issue, because when I start, shit works, but fuck's sake is it hard to start.

Which, with my rudimentary knowledge of procrastination (and the reasons for such), probably relates to some subconscious association of my writing attempts with failure (because of those bad weeks) and now I'm having to rewire that.

I had a good day yesterday, but still like half the desired quantity of words (4k vs 10k, ideally.) I didn't manage anything earlier in the week, unfortunately. I'm sticking to the "no paid stuff" rule and I've managed to get some belated commission things out, so my schedule is freer and freer, but as yet I've no timeline for the next releases.

Stuff will be happening shortly, I'm just lacking for anything specific in terms of times and dates. Which is not ideal, of course, but if I give times and dates at this point - as much as I'm hoping I can get a load of 4k days next week, at bare minimum - I'm not sure I'll stick to them as I'm not where I need to be in terms of spooling up.

It's almost like a complete loss of executive functioning, and if I'm honest, I think creative work is extremely hard to do as a job (not saying other jobs aren't, of course!) and ultimately I am a poorly-paid (especially in the shithole that is the UK) one-man machine. When stuff breaks, it's all down to me to fix it, and I mean Christ on a cracker, I haven't even published free shit on places like Ao3 or Literotica - or my bloody blog - for this whole duration because somehow even such little things seem like a distraction from my main aim here, the catching-up and the fixing and so forth.

I'm not actually in a bad state otherwise, no mood issues or unhappiness or whatever, but it's almost like I've forgotten how I was able to do it before and am in the process of relearning so that I can get back to normal. Ultimately, I live a dysfunctional life due to my ADHD which means that fairly quickly all things become "tolerant" to me, the dopamine burst from any given action soon becoming routine, and it's harder to find the willpower to push towards any given goal. It's not something I would wish on anyone, but it's how my brain is built, and the pills are great but they're not magic, I still have to do 90% of the work.

So...yeah.

Worst-case scenario, I'll pause again for November, but I'm optimistic that the worst of this messiness is dealt with and that in the next few weeks you'll start seeing delayed releases making their way onto this page.

I want to make clear though that, by and large, I enjoy my work and it's much more satisfying than the alternatives right now, so I'll persevere and get back to normal. I'm well-supported IRL by good friends and family, I'm doing fine outside of this current difficult patch.

With any luck I'll have some juicy new things for you all in the next couple of weeks, and then hopefully by the end of October all will be well.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well, and I hope you have a great weekend,

Big love, 

Thalaxian,

xoxox