May the Oysters Grieve, ep 11

MAY THE OYSTERS GRIEVE - episode 11

by Julie Hoverson

STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT

SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS

ANNOUNCER                Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!

ANNOUNCER                May the Oysters Grieve, episode 11

SHIP’S BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES – DING-DING DING-DING

ANNOUNCER                At the Schumacher mansion, the tropical storm outside must be passing, as a new face has arrived.  Groundskeeper Haku Akamai [ah-kah-mah-ee] finds himself faced with a dilemma – the family patriarch commanding him to shoot some intruders – namely, Mac and Duke – in the foyer, and in cold blood.  Meanwhile, Bertie has set off to tell Mac and Duke about the dynamite, while Rose and the actors huddle in the ballroom, hoping it will be safe.  Finally, Zorion got away from the love-hungry Aunt Beatrice, but he is still lost somewhere in the house!

MUSIC SWELLS

SCENE 1.          MAIN FOYER

SOUND                          GUN COCKED, FEET SHUFFLE

HAKU                            [incredulous]  Kill them?  You mean hold them until police get here, eh?

PAUL                             There’s no time for that.  See over there where they killed … um... [thinks, great idea!] poor old Gideon?  He’s right under that tablecloth, and yet you balk at stopping their rampage?

HAKU                            [shocked]  Gideon?  Dead?

PAUL                             Hilda’s been killed too.  These men are ruthless.

MAC                              [calming]  Mr. Akamai? [ah-kah-mah-ee]  My name’s Sam MacDougall – Mac – and this is Ephraim Carlyle.  We’re private detectives, and have no intention of making any false moves. 

HAKU                            Good.

MAC                              That man giving you orders is not your boss.  Don’t let him come anywhere near you.

HAKU                            What? 

PAUL                             You’re crazy.  He’s absolutely irrational, Akamai.

DUKE                             He looks jest like him, we’ll give you that.

MAC                              If you look under that cloth he so conveniently mentioned, you’ll see it’s your boss, and that man is an imposter.

DUKE                             [quiet]  Mac, up at the top of the stairs like that, we can’t corral the old coot if he makes a break for it.

PAUL                             [commanding]  Stop listening and shoot these housebreakers!

HAKU                            [loud]  Everyone be quiet!  [normal]  I’m not going to kill anyone.  Not like that.

SOUND                          PAUL STARTS DOWN THE STAIRS

PAUL                             Then give me the gun and I’ll do it.  You don’t want to be out of a job, now, do you?

MUSIC

SCENE 2.          BALLROOM

SOUND                          FIRE CRACKLES IN FIREPLACE

BETHANY                      [crying out in pain]   Aaahh!!

SOUND                          ROSE DASHES OVER

ROSE                             [rushing]  Darn it.  It’s only easy to make crazy plans if I forget we have real injured people.  Bethany?  Are you awake?

BETHANY                      [gasping]  It hurts.

ROSE                             I know, and I wish I could do something for you—

TONY                            I wish we could get her out of here.

TIM                               [hopeful]  It does sound like the rain might be slacking a bit. 

LULU                             Yes!  If we’re just inside the edge of the storm, it may be passing.

ROSE                             Bethany, I’m going to roll you a bit toward the back of the couch, so I can take a look at the sutures.  Lulu, can you take some pressure?

LULU                             Anything.

ROSE                             Hold her hands and let her squeeze as hard as she needs.

LULU                             Got it.  Take my hands, Aunt Bethany.

BETHANY                      Uh-huh.  [grunt of effort]

SOUND                          HANDS CLASP

ROSE                             I’m seeing blood.  I’ll have to change the bandages, so I can see if the stitches are holding.

CECILE                          You need help again?

ROSE                             Thanks, Cecile. 

TIM                               Can I do anything?

ROSE                             Oh, Tim.  Um – Check on Marjorie.  I can’t handle two crises at once.

MUSIC

SCENE 3.          MAIN FOYER

SOUND                          PAUL’S SLOW MENACING STEPS COME DOWN THE STAIRS

PAUL                             [sharp]  Akamai.  [ah-kah-mah-ee]  Haku [his first name, trying to be chummy].  You’ve worked for this estate for most of your life, haven’t you?

HAKU                            You know that, sir.

PAUL                             And you came all the way here, in the teeth of this fierce storm, just to do your duty and make sure that we’re all tucked away properly.

HAKU                            [sounds a bit like he’s lying]  Of course.  My duty.  Is everyone else okay?  Your daughters?

PAUL                             They’re around somewhere.  These men haven’t gotten their filthy hands on them… [evil grin] yet.

DUKE                             [cutting in, speaking quickly]  No you didn’t!  Now, them’s fighting words, however old ya’are, feller.  Don’t you even –

HAKU                            No!

DUKE                             Step up, old man – I’ll go ya with my good hand behind my back--

HAKU                            Stop it!

DUKE                             I’ll even take you blindfolded!

HAKU                            Shut up and let me think!

MAC                              [warning]  Duke.

DUKE                             Nah, Mac, this ole varmint’s as good as called us—

SOUND                          HAKU SHOOTS GUN INTO CEILING

MUSIC

SCENE 4.          UPPER HALLWAY

SOUND                          BEATRICE’S SLIPPERS WALKING

BEATRICE                      [fuming]  I’ll bet I know what happened.  It’s that woman – Amaya!  She somehow knew I was stealing his love from her, and she came for him.  Otherwise, how could he have gotten himself loose so easily?

SOUND                          DOOR OPENS, SHE PASSES THROUGH

BEATRICE                      Amaya’s one of those actors – that strange dark-haired girl.  I bet that’s it.  But he’s mine!  I will not give up!  This is my perfect chance!  Good thing I remembered to grab a knife.  I was going to cut him free, once I got him under my feminine spell, but now – I can put it to better use.

SOUND                          KNIFE DRAGGED ALONG WOOD

BEATRICE                      [creepy giggle]

MUSIC

SCENE 5.          MAIN FOYER

SOUND                          GUN SHOT INTO CEILING, PLASTER FALLS

HAKU                            Everyone stay right where you are. 

PAUL                             You’re fired!  You will be off the property by dinner!

MAC                              That man is not your boss.  Ignore him. 

HAKU                            [suspicious]  What about my wife and daughter, Boss?

PAUL                             [snide]  Well, you’ll just have to take your damn wahinis with you.  Unless you do what I say!

SOUND                          CREAK AND SCRAPE AS HAKU TURNS

HAKU                            Stay right there, old man!  [a moment, then]  Whoever the hell you are.

DUKE                             That’s the way, old son!

HAKU                            Neither of you move, either!

PAUL                             I suppose you figure if I end up dead, you can pretend you were never sacked.  Hmph. 

HAKU                            Why you look just like Mister Peter?

MAC                              This is his identical brother.

HAKU                            Mister Peter’s brothers gone long ago.

MAC                              We can explain later.  For now, help us get him under control, Mr. Akamai. 

SOUND                          DOOR OPENS, NEARBY

BERTIE                          Mac!  You won’t believe what I --  Oh, dear, am I interrupting something?

PAUL                             [starts to cough, as a bluff]  Aha!

SOUND                          PAUL RUNS BACK UP THE STAIRS

DUKE                             I’m on it! 

SOUND                          DUKE’S FEET GO OFF UP THE STAIRS

MAC                              Don’t shoot Duke! 

HAKU                            I still don’t know you fellas!

MAC                              Keep us covered, but will you please just look at something?

BERTIE                          What’s happening, Mac?

MAC                              This gentleman needs to know how serious everything is.  [up]  May I move over to the body, Mr. Akamai?

HAKU                            Okay.  [reluctant]  Mac.

SOUND                          A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN SHEET PULLED BACK

HAKU                            Oh, man.  Yeah.

MAC                              What made you so certain the other one was an imposter?

HAKU                            [quiet, but with some odd feeling]  Mister Peter knows I don’t got a wife.

MUSIC

SCENE 6.          HALLWAY

SOUND                          RUNNING FEET

DUKE                             [yelling while running]  I understand revenge, old feller, specially for something like they done, but murder ain’t never the right answer!

PAUL                             [distant]  You’ll never catch me!

DUKE                             What’re ya gonna do?  Have ya thought of that?  Gonna live in the walls like a rat til someone bulldozes the house?  Run away and live like a darn beachcomber, at your age?

PAUL                             [distant]  Better than being locked up in the dark!  Again!

DUKE                             You can get yerself into a cushy mental hospital—

SOUND                          SECRET DOOR AHEAD SNAPS SHUT

SOUND                          DUKE PULLS UP SHORT, POUNDS ON WALLS

DUKE                             Dagnabbit!  Doesn’t that just muck up the drinking trough!  Guess I better get back, so Mac don’t think I’m lost again.

MUSIC

FAKE COMMERCIAL

ANNOUNCER                We've all had one of those trips: driving carelessly through luscious countryside, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, far away from the madding crowd... and run out of gas.

SOUND                          MUSIC TURNS DARK

ANNOUNCER                And what do you do if there's no help to be found for miles in any direction?  When the last sign of civilization you passed was hours ago, and was a ball of twine the size of a house?

SOUND                          MUSIC BRIGHTENS

ANNOUNCER                If you planned ahead, you might have a full gas can, and wouldn’t spend more than a smidge of inconvenience.  Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T  FAST! [fast effect]  Is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has.  FAST [fast effect] won't buy you gas, but it is the backup plan for everything else.  We’re there for you when your tank runs dry.

SCENE 7.          GRAND FOYER

HAKU                            Should we follow your friend?

MAC                              Duke can handle himself.  Getting lost in the house, especially in the secret passages, would be the worst of it.

BERTIE                          I, for one, don’t care for the idea of being separated again.

MAC                              There is that.  But we still have Beatrice to find as well.

HAKU                            [a little worried]  She dead, too?

BERTIE                          No.  In fact, we’re reasonably certain she’s the one who stabbed Bethany.

SOUND                          HAKU RUSHES BERTIE, SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE WALL

HAKU                            [panicky]  Bethany?  Stabbed?  Not dead!  Tell me she’s not dead!

MAC                              [commanding]  Let him go.  Please, Haku.

SOUND                          DUKE’S FOOTSTEPS RUN IN, ABOVE

DUKE                             I’m awful sorry, Mac, but that snake slid off into one of them hidden doors.  [spotting Haku manhandling Bertie]  Say, feller, what’s a-going on?

SOUND                          A MOMENT, THEN HAKU LETS GO AND TAKES A STEP AWAY

SOUND                          BERTIE STRAIGHTENS HIS CLOTHES A BIT

BERTIE                          Ahem.  I think we need to take this gentleman to his… wife?

SOUND                          DUKE TROTS DOWN THE STARS TO JOIN THEM

HAKU                            [clearly lying]  No, no, I said I got no wife.  I just—

MAC                              [reassuring]  She needs you.  Come along.

SOUND                          THEY WALK

BERTIE                          [quiet, to Mac]  I suspect this is part and parcel of those “old family values” that condemn Lulu, as well.

MAC                              No doubt.  [louder]  The ballroom is this way.

SOUND                          DUKE GETS TO THE MAIN FLOOR

DUKE                             Mac!  We probly shouldn’t leave this laying around—

SOUND                          PICKS UP A CASE

DUKE                             Gramps ain’t gonna need it again, and might could be something in there we could use.

MAC                              Good idea, even if it’s just to keep it out of Paul or Beatrice’s hands.

BERTIE                          Let’s make our way back to the ballroom as quickly as we possibly can. 

HAKU                            [anxious]  That’s where Bethany – my Bethany – Is?

BERTIE                          Yes, sir.  [turns to Mac]  Mac, I’ll fill you and Duke in a bit along the way, but we may have fallen into some rather dire peril, again.

MAC                              Typical.  Lets get a move on, Duke.

MUSIC

SCENE 8.          BALLROOM

SOUND                          FIREPLACE CRACKLES

SOUND                          IDA WRITES

CECILE                          If the worst happens, Ida - I swear on my mama’s life I’ll grab you up and smash my way out a window. 

IDA                                I appreciate the thought, Cecile.

CECILE                          You always been decent to me. 

IDA                                [self-mocking]  My Quaker progenitors would rise up and shun me if I didn’t treat everyone with respect.  [hmm, thinks]  Come to think of it, they’re probably already doing that for a variety of other things I’ve done in my life.  Going to Hollywood, for one.

CECILE                          [chuckles]

SOUND                          KNOCK AT THE DOOR

BERTIE                          [outside]  I say, don’t throw anything!  We’re coming in.

ROSE                             [loud]  It’s safe!  We’re all the way across the room.

SOUND                          DOOR OPENS

SOUND                          THEY ENTER A BIT SLOWLY

SOUND                          HAKU PUSHES PAST AND DASHES ACROSS THE ROOM

HAKU                            Bethany!

BETHANY                      [noises of distress as she tries to move]  Oh!  My dear--

LULU                             [gently, to Bethany]  Don’t move.  He’s coming.

CECILE                          What do you know that we don’t?

ROSE                             Oh, how sweet!

SOUND                          HAKU DROPS TO HIS KNEES BY THE COUCH

HAKU                            I’m here.  On the phone, you were – are you okay?

BETHANY                      [weak]  Better, now.

ROSE                             She’ll need a real doctor once the storm clears, but she’s okay fpr the moment.  Just stay there and let her rest.

AMAYA                         [indicating the three]  Boys are talking, Rose.

ROSE                             Well I can’t resist an invitation like that. 

SOUND                          AMAYA AND ROSE STRIDE TO JOIN THE BOYS AT THE DOOR

ROSE                             Secrets?

MAC                              [heavy sigh]  Bertie was saying you’ve been keeping everyone alive.  That’s good.  You need to stay here and keep it up.

ROSE                             While you all run off and do… what?

DUKE                             You know Rose, Mac.  She won’t lay off til ya fill her in.

MAC                              All too well.  Alright.  Bertie’s working his way through miss Ida’s transcript of this journal.  It sounds like there’s dynamite somewhere in the house, set to go off if the pearl gets taken from the tower room.

ROSE                             You can tell me about this pearl later, dynamite seems more urgent.

BERTIE                          I’ve done what I can with this text, and it seems to say that removing the pearl will set alight a slow fuse that travels through the walls, somehow, and wends its way to a cache of dynamite in the lowest depths of the house.

ROSE                             But where in the depths?

BERTIE                          Ida said you had to jump a sort of trench…?

ROSE                             Oh, that?  [remembering]  There were boxes down there!

DUKE                             If Miss Ida described them right, then they’re chock full of some of the most unstable explosives around.

ROSE                             Are we safe in here?  I don’t want to move Bethany or Marjorie, and there’s not really any place to go.

AMAYA                         Wait.

SOUND                          SHE STARTS MOVING AROUND, MAKING NOISES TO INDICATE FALLING, BREAKING THE GATE, WALKING, and JUMPING THE TRENCH.

DUKE                             [whispered]  What’s she doing?

ROSE                             [whispered]  I think she’s going through the route we took.

AMAYA                         Dymanite not close.  You want go?

MAC                              I’d like to take a look.  Whether or not the fuse has been set off, we really should intercept it and make sure.

DUKE                             Well, son, here’s the thing – anything that diary is about hasta be at least fifty years old.  Including the dynamite, and the fuse, whatever they used for that.  I don’t think we got too much to worry about. 

MAC                              Old dynamite is particularly unpredictable. 

BERTIE                          It sweats out its nitroglycerin, which, once loosed, could conceivably be set off by any impact.

MAC                              The fuse may be gone, but what about Paul and Beatrice, wandering the house?  What if one of them finds the pearl, now that Bertie has opened up the turret, or maybe just decides to throw something in the pit?

DUKE                             Like evidence, for example?

AMAYA                         I will lead.  I can find.  Rose stays here.

MAC                              Yes.  [warning]  Rose?

ROSE                             Yes.  [heavy sigh] 

MUSIC

SCENE 9.          BALLROOM, OTHER SIDE

SOUND                          FIREPLACE

HAKU                            [referring to their daughter]  She’s fine.  She knows to stay home.  We’ll all be fine.

BETHANY                      I hate that you have to be here, but I’m so glad you came.

LULU                             I – may I – are you okay to talk a bit, Aunt Bethany?

BETHANY                      Yes.  Haku, have you met Lulu, my sister’s child?

HAKU                            I’ve seen you around the movie set.  Good to meet you.

BETHANY                      Sorry I waited so long, but—

LULU                             I understand secrets.  That’s part of what we want to talk about.

BETHANY                      We?

LULU                             Tim and Tony and I have this idea, and want to see if you’re willing to go along.

MUSIC

SCENE 10.        HALLWAYS

SOUND                          WALKING

AMAYA                         We go down first.  Is a fall.  Not sure how to open.  Here.

BERTIE                          I say – that’s right where Zorion lost your trail before – oh, dear, it feels like days have passed, but it couldn’t be more than a few hours.

DUKE                             I’ll agree this night has stretched on a good bit, old son. 

MAC                              Did anyone do anything other than walk across this area, Amaya?

AMAYA                         Mmm.  [thinks]  Larry was looking at painting, there.

MAC                              This one?

AMAYA                         Mm-hmm.

MAC                              Okay, clear the area, I’ll try a few things.

SOUND                          CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, THEN THUMP

MAC                              [sliding down the floor]  Whoa!

SOUND                          THUMP, BELOW

DUKE                             You all right, Mac, old pal?

MAC                              [slightly echoey, from below]  Yeah.  Give me a second to check around, then come down, one by one.  I suggest on the side where the floor falls away – it’s a gentler drop than just off the edge.

SOUND                          MOVEMENT BELOW

DUKE                             Hurry up, we don’t know how to open this up again, if it snaps shut.

MAC                              Okay, looks clear.  Come on down.

DUKE                             Cowabunga!  Here I coooooome!

[note Cowabunga originated on Howdy Doody in the 50s]

MUSIC

SCENE 11.        UNDERGROUND AREA, NEAR PIT

SOUND                          FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

AMAYA                         [from a distance, approaching]  This way.  Will be there soon.

MAC                              Bertie, is your ankle feeling any better?

BERTIE                          I’ll be perfectly fine.  Just my luck to land awkwardly on it, coming down that pit.

SOUND                          THEY COME ROUND THE CORNER AND ARE IN SCENE

AMAYA                         Aha!

DUKE                             Yup, that’s a trench, all right.

BERTIE                          How deep do you think it is?

DUKE                             I reckon about 30 feet.

MAC                              I wish the light was better.  Huh?

SOUND                          CLICK AS THE LIGHTS GO OUT

[everyone gasps]

DUKE                             Well, I guess you spoke too soon, eh, old pal?

AMAYA                         Where lights switch?

BERTIE                          I’ve got a lighter, hold on.

MAC                              Stay well back from the edge.  The fire shouldn’t set off the nitro glycerin, but if you drop it in, the impact might.

DUKE                             How’re we gonna suss out how much dynamite there is, without any light, Mac?

BERTIE                          Did you hear something?

AMAYA                         Feet.  Being quiet.

MAC                              Back up, all of you.

DUKE                             They may hear us, but they can’t see us in the dark, any more than we can see them.

SOUND                          CLICK, FLASHLIGHT ON, ACROSS FROM THEM

PAUL                             [on the other side of the trench]  You certainly can’t see me properly, blinded as you are by my flashlight!

SOUND                          GUN COCKS

MUSIC

MUSIC TO CLOSING

ANNOUNCER                Evil Uncle Paul has the drop on Mac, Duke, Bertie, and Amaya, and he’s got a gun!  Will they be able to stay calm and negotiate - so close to the pit of unstable explosives?  And what of everyone else?  Will Zorion find his way back before Beatrice gets her desperate hands on him again?  Is the ballroom as safe as they want it to be?  Will the night never end?  It will have to, since the finale is closer than ever!

END