Still Not Dead

I'm here. I'm obviously not okay, but I'm here.

I'm embarrassed to admit I had a relapse and spent a long while totally isolated from everyone. I have barely even spoken to my friends over the past year. I'm struggling very much with depression and it's such an ugly thing to talk about. My knee-jerk reaction is to deflect with humor but honestly there's nothing funny about this. I've been high a lot and stuck in bed feeling empty and staring at the ceiling. There's no excuse or reason that could be good enough for disappearing, all I can say is I'm sorry. And that I want to do better. 

On top of that, my mother is really sick. I don't want to talk about it too much because we're still in the process of getting a full diagnosis and treatment plan, but about a week ago we found out she has breast cancer. That's not why I disappeared, of course - that's on me and my dumb brain. This was just one more thing in a series of unfortunate things. This has been an absolutely awful year and there's just no other way to put it. But my mom is in great spirits and very much focused on getting better. I wish I could borrow some of her ability to bounce back emotionally because she's incredible that way. I am not.

I'm the one in my family that everyone turns to when things go wrong and I'm absolutely emotionally exhausted from it. I feel wrecked and useless. And above all, I'm ashamed.

You deserve better, you really do.

But if you decide to stay, I'm going to be posting audios throughout the rest of the weekend and beyond to the rest of the month. I'm aiming to do one a day until I'm caught up. One audio a day doesn't feel so overwhelming. And I'm only going to be posting here for you guys. I don't have the energy or emotional capacity to focus on more than one thing at a time, so that's going to be here. If you've sent messages and received no reply, I promise it isn't personal. I shut down when I'm overwhelmed and find it hard to focus on anything.

I'm not good at leaning on people or asking for help, but I am trying. I'll see you tomorrow night with a new audio for all of you. And once again, I'm sorry and thank you all for your kind words and patience during all of this. I love you more than I can say.

<3 A.