VOLUME II: 37 – THE CANON IS DEAD

TUESDAY

The stream was live before I realized my mic was peaking like a banshee with a megaphone.

“HELLO, DEMON SPAWNS! Welcome to tonight’s TED Talk: ‘How I Ruined My Own Backstory and Made It Your Problem!’”

Chat immediately combusted:
[EggsInMyWiFi]: YES DESTROY THE LORE
[PoppyQT]: WHO NEEDS CONTINUITY
[SaltyShrimp69]: MY BRAIN CELLS LEFT THE BUILDING
[MochiBandit]: I SKIPPED WORK FOR THIS
[FeralChalice]: i hate it here (affectionately)

I flipped to my first “slide”, a cursed JPEG titled ‘THE LORE ARC DIED LOL’ next to a pixel gravestone.

“First point: remember when I told you I was banished from the underworld for tax evasion? Lies. I just didn’t return my library books. Take that, local council.”

[EggsInMyWiFi]: LIBRARY FINES ARE TRUE EVIL
[PoppyQT]: so valid queen
[Username12345]: support ur local library 😭

“Second point: the haunted pudding? Also fake. It’s just pudding. I called it haunted so you’d stop judging my midnight snack habits. You didn’t. You judged harder.”

I drank my boba too fast, choked slightly, kept going. A true professional.

“Third: the tragic demon romance? Fabricated. I wanted you to write fanfiction. You did. Thank you for the free serotonin.”

[SaltyShrimp69]: I SPENT 40K WORDS ON THAT
[KettleKiller]: i drew fanart for your lies???
[LegalGoose]: royalties WHEN

I gasped dramatically. My model’s eyes lagged like they were buffering my shame in potato quality.

“Oh, you want compensation?” I flipped to the next slide: a blurry stock photo of a frog wearing a crown. “Congrats. New OTP: Frog Prince Lore. It’s canon until I forget.”

[H0nKh0nk]: I SHIP IT
[PoppyQT]: BOOTLEG VERSION OF DISNEY?
[LegalGoose]: drawing this now

I stretched back. My neck cracked. OBS dropped frames like a failing sitcom dad.

“By the way, none of this changes the merch drop. You’re still buying my nonsense. Next point!”

Slide: ‘Why My Basement is Actually a Gateway to IKEA’ No context. I just stared into the camera dead-eyed.

“IKEA has secrets. I am one of them. Next question.”

Two hours in, my chat was still feral, I was out of boba, and OBS was threatening to crash for real. So obviously, I kept going.

“Q&A time! Let’s suffer together. I refuse to read normal questions, so good luck.”

[PoppyQT]: will you cry at your graduation?
“Absolutely not. I don’t have tear ducts. Only spite and caffeine.”

[EggsInMyWiFi]: do we get closure??
“No. You get scuffed trauma and questionable tax advice.”

[KettleKiller]: biggest regret as Ketsusaki?
“Not copyrighting haunted pudding before y’all made memes. Missed brand synergy.”

[MochiBandit]: what’s next for you?
“Crimes. Probably. Or a nap. Or both.”

[FeralChalice]: are you and GhostToast secretly dating??? 👀
“Blocked. Mods, block FeralChalice. Block them twice.”

[LegalGoose]: what’s your fav soup?
“I hate soup. It’s just anxiety in liquid form. Next.”

[GhostToastVT]: answer Feral’s question coward
“I will leak your browser history and your Spotify Wrapped. Shut up.”

[MoonLurker]: will you come back one day?
“Maybe. Maybe I haunt your fridge instead. New channel: FridgeSaki. Sponsored by expired milk.”

Three hours. Three whole hours of me shrieking nonsense, fake lore, IKEA conspiracies, and a suspicious amount of soup discourse.

Finally, I flopped face-first onto my mic. It squeaked. Everyone heard it. No regrets.

“Lore’s dead. Long live scuff. Two more streams to ruin what’s left of my brand. Bring tissues. Or don’t. I’ll live.”

I saluted my cult. My model glitched so hard it looked like I slapped myself again. Iconic.

“Alright. Be gone, you gremlins. Next up~ we ruin GhostToast’s kitchen tomorrow. Send prayers. And a fire extinguisher.”