Early Access: Lost E2

E2. With most shows, I find that I'm able to just write out my thoughts right away. With this show, I feel like I need to give myself some time to soak, to let it all marinate for a bit, not just in my head, but in my heart as well.

One of the things that really strikes me about this show, is its handling. Everything feels very deliberate, like no choice was made lightly, and that makes the watch feel rich with potential.

For example, I found it an interesting choice, that this episode, whom we hear and whom we see on our screens, in that same moment, is often different. When we hear Kang Jae, it's often Bu Jeong that we see on our screens. And when we hear Bu Jeong, it's often the other way around; it's Kang Jae whom we see on our screens. It creates this instant impression, that these two people's experiences are intricately similar, even though they've barely spent a few minutes in each other's presence, in our story.

Another thing that strikes me during my watch of this episode, is how the melancholy of our characters is treated with respect. There's a delicate quality to the melancholy, like Show is acknowledging the desolate emotional landscape of our protagonists, and yet, working to show us a sense of beauty, even in the midst of the melancholy.

For example, even as we see Bu Jeong's mother-in-law go through her trash and pick out the Hermes handkerchief out of her pocket, and mutter shock and judgment all in the same breath, and even as, in the same scene, we hear Kang Jae tell his father in voiceover just how much of a mess he is, the music that is employed in the scene, is light and pretty; delicate and.. hopeful.

It's interesting to me, that both our lead characters address their voiceovers to their fathers. It does feel like Show is acknowledging that each of us has a deep-seated, hardwired desire for approval from our fathers.

It feels like Bu Jeong's mother-in-law's purpose in life is to, 1, judge Bu Jeong for how inadequate she is, and 2, make her life as miserable as possible. From the way she picks out the pieces of the summons in the trash to piece it together, so that she can judge Bu Jeong for it, to the way she judges the fact that Bu Jeong is in possession of an expensive Hermes handkerchief, to the way she invites Bu Jeong's father to meet, so that she can shock him with the news of the summons, she's altogether suffocating and insufferable.

If this is what she's been subjecting Bu Jeong to, all the years of her marriage, I can see why Bu Jeong would rather not have anything to do with her. There's something so presumptuously self-righteous about her, that I want to push her off my screen as soon as she comes on.

I'm glad that Dad doesn't fall into her trap, and defends Bu Jeong wholeheartedly. But I feel bad, that Dad becomes so stressed at Bu Jeong's situation, that he literally takes to his bed, almost like an invalid. Aw, Dad. He really loves Bu Jeong with his whole heart, bless him.

I feel really sorry for Bu Jeong, because the person who's supposed to be the closest to her, obviously fails to understand her struggles. Jung Soo seems to have no idea that his wife is suffering from depression, and worse, even if she wasn't suffering from depression, the way he makes light of her life, like her job's so easy and laidback, is completely tone-deaf and absolutely aggravating. He clearly thinks his own job is challenging and that his life isn't easy; it says so much about him, that he just assumes that his wife's job is easy and that she has an easy life. It's enough to drive someone to depression, honestly.

But that's not all that Bu Jeong's struggling with. That reveal, that her ex-boss Jung A Ran, had gotten violent with her, while she'd been pregnant, and had then fired her, AND HAD THEN gone on to use Bu Jeong's work, as is, even though it had been the reason she'd gotten violent in the first place, is just too much. I'm speechless, honestly. And the way Jung A Ran acts all self-righteous about things, is just mind-blowing. (Park Ji Young is just so good at this role, though. She's glamorous and smug, and so effortlessly snooty.)

It's not hard to see why Bu Jeong's been driven into a state of depression. I feel like she's huddling with her depression with a sense of determination, like she doesn't actually ever want to escape, or let go of the gaping chasm of misery that's threatening to swallow her whole. Instead, what she wants, I think, is to drag Jung A Ran down into that chasm with her, so that Jung A Ran can be as miserable as she is, herself.

Bu Jeong's so withdrawn and quiet so much of the time, that it feels, to my eyes, like it might actually hurt her to talk. Not physically, since there's nothing physiologically wrong with her. But I feel like emotionally, it might actually hurt her to talk.

The way she ekes out her words, it always feels like it comes with some kind of pain. When she's squeezing out the odd word or two, it feels like this is possibly all she can manage, without breaking down and losing it completely. And when she's crying to her dad, it feels like the words are coming from a deep, dark, painful, shameful place. It makes my heart ache, just to look at Bu Jeong, honestly.

There's something unflinching and unwavering about Kang Jae's gaze, that makes me feel that he feels jaded and perhaps dead on the inside. While his friend Ddak Yi (my subs call him Just, and I have no idea why) is a ball of nervous emotions as the undertaker staff dress their friend Jeong Woo's body, Kang Jae is stoic and unflinching.

However, the slight tension in his brow, and the occasional tightness in his throat, as he looks upon his dead friend, tell me that this is possibly harder for him, than it is for Ddak Yi. At least Ddak Yi doesn't bottle things up, and releases his feelings through his nervous chatter. Kang Jae absorbs it all, it looks like, and while it feels like he has a lot of capacity to swallow it all, I'm slightly concerned at what might happen, if he were to reach breaking point.

On hindsight, it seems that the 50,000 won note that Kang Jae puts in Jeong Won's pocket, is the note that Bu Jeong gives him. Because Kang Jae frames that 50,000 won note as Bu Jeong's act of goodwill to him, it's dawning on me that Kang Jae is passing on what little goodwill he has collected, on to Jeong Won, for his journey to the afterlife. This feels symbolic and.. selfless, in a manner of speaking.

If Kang Jae believes in luck, then he could use all the luck he can get, given how disappointed he is in himself and his life. And yet, he gives this piece of goodwill, which I think can be interpreted as luck as well, to his friend. Is this consideration and kindness for his deceased friend who would need all the luck he can get, for the afterlife and beyond? Or is this a concession that no amount of luck could help him anyway, and so it's probably more useful to someone else? Or perhaps it's a bit of both?

I find it interesting that Kang Jae can handle Jeong Woo's ashes without problems during the funeral proceedings, but jumps like Ddak Yi's thrown an explosive at him, when all Ddak Yi's done, is hand Kang Jae a packet of Jeong Woo's ashes.

I'm thinking that it's quite likely that Kang Jae compartmentalizes his life pretty heavily, in order to cope. Jeong Woo's death had been a difficult event, and it feels like he'd compartmentalized a portion of himself to deal with that difficult event and all its associated details. But outside of that context, he doesn't seem equipped to manage.

I'm quite puzzled at the scene where Kang Jae visits his mother to get child support money from her. I mean, he's almost 27 years old, and is making money of his own. Why does his mother still give him money, and why is that money framed as child support?

We do learn one thing about Kang Jae, though, and that is how he's learned to code money as love; that the more money someone spends on you, the more they love you. That's messed up, but at least we can tell, from his voiceover, that he knows it's messed up. At least he's not in denial?

From Jung Soo's encounter with his ex-girlfriend at the reunion, it appears that she's interested in reconnecting with him, now that her husband's terminally ill with cancer and in a nursing home. Gosh. That's heartless of her, isn't it? I mean, the guy is still alive, and therefore in need of her support. And she's off flirting with her ex-boyfriend, whom she's regretted not marrying? Well. From what we've seen so far, I almost think she and Jung Soo deserve each other. But.. let's see.

Even though Bu Jeong is older than Kang Jae, in their interactions so far, he's been the one to provide support, help and direction.

When she grabs onto his sleeve in the bus but can't say anything, he's the one who takes control of the situation and talks her through it. He's gentle and matter-of-fact, which I think is quite perfect.

He acknowledges why he thinks she's holding onto him, tells her it's perfectly understandable and that there's no shame in it, and then asks her for permission to alight at the next stop, while thinking to give her the option to reach him again, if she'd like to say anything else to him. He's gentle and understanding, without being patronizing (I don't think?), and I can't really think of how else he could have handled the situation any better.

And then there's how Kang Jae finds Bu Jeong on the rooftop, contemplating what it might be like to just jump. His words, "Why die? Just don't pick up," sound like they're spoken from experience; like Kang Jae himself has had the same thoughts, and he's now offering her the conclusion that he'd reached, when he'd grappled with those thoughts. Again, it feels like he's the more experienced one, providing direction to someone who doesn't know the way.

I'm intrigued by this, and definitely curious to see how their connection grows from here on out.

Next episode notes will be out on: Thursday, 30 Sept 2021!