Early Access: Breakup Probation, A Week E4

E4. Even though this is a mini drama, it does feel like it has more weight to it than the average web drama. I think this has a lot to do with our story's tone. Where most web dramas tend to lean light and breezy, this one leans poignant and even a little melancholic. It feels like Ga Ram has a lot of soul-searching to do, even as she navigates her last few available days before the expiry of her contract, and we're there to vicariously reap the thought-provoking benefits.

The whole thing with Mom works out to be a healing, somewhat conciliatory event. Seon Jae is also turning out to be a way more supportive and caring boyfriend than he'd appeared to be at first.

I do find it a little convenient, that Seon Jae shows his caring side so quickly, when we'd seen in episode 1, that he'd been distant and reticent for long enough, to cause Ga Ram emotional distress. However, I'm willing to put that down to Show's short running time. I'm guessing that if Show had more screen time to work with, that we'd get a more nuanced unfolding of Seon Jae's character.

I feel like as Ga Ram's now older compared to when she'd first left home, she now has more maturity with which to understand Mom's perspective and therefore Mom's decisions, after Dad had died. It doesn't make it ok that Mom hadn't taken more care to understand Ga Ram or care for her emotionally, but it does make her actions more understandable. Mom hadn't felt able to survive on her own without her husband, probably because that's the only kind of life she'd known, and that's why she'd hurriedly reached for a new man - so that she'd have someone to depend on.

And, for the record, it doesn't make it ok, for Ga Ram to have been mean to Mom either.

It's true that as bystanders, Ga Ram's grudge against her mother might appear childish and needlessly amplified to our eyes. At the same time, it's also true that wounds left to fester don't just magically heal on their own. All this time that Ga Ram's spent becoming more adult in other ways, hasn't actually healed that emotional wound that she sustained all those years ago. I'm guessing that for Ga Ram, this is an unexpected uncovering of a corner of her heart that she'd mostly managed to compartmentalize and therefore forget about, for the most part.

And now that it's uncovered, the wound is still there, open and possibly in a worse state than before, since it's been festering all this time.

I think this is why Ga Ram's so mean to her mom, even though they haven't seen each other in so long. I feel like her meanness is partly a defense mechanism, and its intensity, at a very basic level, matches how ugly and unhappy she feels on the inside. Additionally, the meanness could also very well stem from a need to lash out, because she's felt neglected by Mom.

Seon Jae is this episode's MVP, arranging for Ga Ram and Mom to have the opportunity for a heart-to-heart talk, thus giving air to both of their feelings, long bottled up. Mom gets to apologize for not asking how Ga Ram had felt about everything, and at the same time, she gets to share how scared and guilty she herself had felt. What hits me most, is Mom's reason for not looking for Ga Ram; that her own life was in such a mess that she was too ashamed to face Ga Ram.

I feel for Mom. There's such a sense of fragility about her, as she opens up this episode. The guilt that she talks about, must have eaten away at her constantly, all these years, and it's probably why there's a sense of hollow sadness about her, as she talks to Ga Ram.

I'd wondered why Mom had appeared so different when she'd first visited Ga Ram at her apartment, and now that we know what we know, I'm rationalizing that perhaps Mom hadn't quite known how to act, in the moment, and had overcompensated for her nerves, by acting over-confident. It's the only thing that comes to mind, to reconcile how Mom was in that scene, compared to the rest of Mom that we see in other scenes.

The honest conversation at the cafe turns out to be liberating for both Mom and Ga Ram. Even though it doesn't heal all wounds, nor does it change the past, it does set some things to rest, and that feels important and needful. At least now Ga Ram understands how Mom had felt, not only 10 years ago, but in all the years since; at least now Ga Ram is assured that Mom never forgot about her.

That moment, when Ga Ram parts from Mom at the train station, and calls after her to be well, feels so final, given what we know about Ga Ram's situation. This might well be the last time she sees Mom, if she really only has a few more days to live. I'm glad that Ga Ram works through her emotional wounds enough, to say something conciliatory as her parting shot. This could well be the last thing Mom ever hears from Ga Ram, and I'm glad that Ga Ram is merciful in this moment, and gives Mom a more healing and positive memory of her.

It's ironic, isn't it, that 10 years ago, Ga Ram had been so full of anger and even hatred towards Mom, because Mom had moved on too fast, after Dad's death. And yet, here, in the present, Ga Ram's preparing to break up with Seon Jae, and in her voiceover, she's basically mentally urging Seon Jae to move on from her, and live well, and be happy. She wants Seon Jae to do the exact thing that she blamed Mom for doing. Funny how a change of roles can change our perspective, eh?

Aw. Seon Jae's apple messages at the end of the episode are warm and sweet, as is his note to Ga Ram, telling her he's sorry for lying, and that he's always on her side. This definitely is making it harder for Ga Ram to say goodbye to him, and I feel for Ga Ram, being in such a difficult situation.

Next episode notes will be out on: Monday, 27 Sept 2021!