AD-FREE Gabby Petito Body Cam Reaction by Dr. John and Lauren
Added 2021-09-18 09:31:09 +0000 UTCIf TGIF had happened Friday night - this was what Dr. John and I wanted to discuss. We wanted to sit with our listeners and assess the body cam footage of Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie. While we couldn't do it live (due to John's fancy interview) we stayed up and recorded us unpacking the first minutes of the footage--the minutes we find most important. This is AD FREE for our Patreon Listeners. We are holding out hope for Gabby. #findgabby
Comments
Absolutely right.
Katie Marlowe
2021-09-26 22:19:18 +0000 UTCđ
Lauri Bolland
2021-09-23 12:59:25 +0000 UTCI'm watching the replay of last night's Hidden Hour and omg this stuff is so triggering. I experienced a lot of domestic violence in my family of origin, and I have a fantastic Psychologist who is a trauma therapist and I've been seeing her for 7 years. We've been talking about this particular case the last two appointments after I watched Lauren & Dr John's first bodycam video from last week. When he says "she's crazy"... omg How many of us have been told we're out of control or crazy for responding normally to abuse by our attachment figures. Nothing about Gabby's reaction seemed "wrong" considering what was actually happening. My experience of trying to get help from some authority figure was triggered by these officers who totally rewrote the whole event. Rewriting events so they have the "official version" of events is something abusers always do, and you can see Gabby just ocnforms to Brian's & the cops invented version of events.
Lauri Bolland
2021-09-23 12:58:39 +0000 UTCThe parents were likely unaware of the abuse. As I noted below, my daughter was in a crazy abusive relationship at this age. She told me she was dating somebody new, but had actually returned to the bastard that tormented, berated, and physically abused her. I saw her regularly (we lived a block away from one another) and didnât suspect a thing until I got an emergency call from the hospital. Our children are much craftier than we give them credit for!
Chelsea Jackman
2021-09-22 20:05:12 +0000 UTCThatâs helpful; thank you so much. But, we really have no confirmation that it was Brian driving the van. For some reason, I strongly believe the parents know much more. It seems theyâll go to any length to protect their little boy. Iâm not generally one to speculate; by nature Iâm very fact-driven. But, the way his parents behaved initially has my spidey senses going in every direction! My daughter was in an abusive relationship (unbeknownst to me) at Gabbyâs age, so Iâm not being objective.
Chelsea Jackman
2021-09-22 19:59:04 +0000 UTCPer Dave Cawley a reporter, tweeted "North Port police search warrant places arrival of Gabby's van back in North Port on 10:26 a.m. Eastern on Sept. 1 (via automated license plate scanner at Sumter Blvd. exit of I-75)." So that is how police know he got back on the 1st.
Amber Ferdig
2021-09-22 19:25:24 +0000 UTCI think that your analysis here should be required viewing for LE, as part of their training for handling DV encounters. This was so enlightening for me. Thank you both.
Mo
2021-09-22 16:45:42 +0000 UTCQuestion: Dr John do you think Brian would be the type to kill himself? I just canât see it. To me seems like this is all playing out like his own personal nihilist novel.
Amy N.
2021-09-22 06:13:38 +0000 UTCI am so impressed about how Dr John is always so spot on. Watching this again 4 days later with all the information we know now, it is truly fascinating how Dr. John got to all those conclusions so early on! I love your podcast! Thank you for the great content!
Nicole Plazas
2021-09-22 04:52:25 +0000 UTCThis was amazing, if I didnât say so on YouTube. Iâm curious - does anybody know when the last confirmed sighting of Brian Laundrie occurred? I havenât been able to find anything since Aug 27 and have difficulty believing his parents. Thanks, Lauren and Dr John for publishing quality content!
Chelsea Jackman
2021-09-22 01:24:01 +0000 UTCI guess to stay within the vein of the other commenters; Iâm confused why the parents waited ao long to report their concerns to the police. The âStanâ and Yosemite texts were flags to the momâŚ
RobynB
2021-09-21 23:39:02 +0000 UTCThank you Dr. John and Lauren. This is probably one of the most important recordings you guys have done, on what Domestic Violence looks like in real life. Help people see the dangers of coercive control, manipulation. It's so important. I've known too many people who were in abusive relationships, it's way to common! And there are too many people who are ignorant about DV, and the cycles just continue.
Amber Ferdig
2021-09-21 20:21:15 +0000 UTCWould like to hear about this too. Just from my own experience and research-someone I know got out of a horrible relationship with a narcissist, and I've been reading a lot about it. It doesn't usually start with physical abuse. They inflitrate your mind and heart first, piece by piece so at first you may not even recognize how bad it is. *Like they are only jealous because they love me*, they tear you down, *we heard it when in the police video, he said it was her "little blog". They try to control everything so you are dependent on them, by the time physical abuse starts, don't know how to get out, it's their voice in your head. They manipulate too, so they make the person being abused the problem in the relationship. The most dangerous time for a women in an abusive relationship is when she is trying to leave, which means dealing with the physical abuse is the "safer" alternative in many cases. Especially if you are not in a place where a safety plan and support can be put in place.
Amber Ferdig
2021-09-21 20:04:20 +0000 UTCDr. John, I do not in any way want to disparage Gabby's parents but what made her put up with such behaviour as physical abuse? Why was she so frightened of abandonment? These acceptances come from somewhere. This whole thing is tearing me apart. Poor Gabby.
Jodi Van Zaig
2021-09-20 21:47:25 +0000 UTCRest in power Gabby.
Amy N.
2021-09-20 16:50:14 +0000 UTCMy heart is so broken for Gabby and her family. Thank you Dr. John & Lauren for your compassionate analysis of this video. Your words and insights were so validating. I grew up thinking domestic violence only counted if you were hit and anything less than that was maybe dysfunctional at most. Listening to you both has given me so much more understanding of my 20 something self in relationships and more compassion for my experience as a deep-thinking feeling kid in a family environment that greatly struggled with empathy and perspective-taking. The work you both are doing is so important. I wish every young person had access to an understanding of what healthy interpersonal relationships look like. Iâm rambling now⌠but just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Amy N.
2021-09-20 16:48:49 +0000 UTCSo sad. Rest in Power Gabby xxx
Jennifer-Anne Hunter
2021-09-20 09:44:22 +0000 UTCThanks Dr. John. I do understand that walking away is the final step if you cannot resolve conflict through conflict resolution strategies. I have children in their early twenties. I am glad they both have decided not pursue serious relationships until they are done with their graduate studies. It takes a level of maturity to have a healthy relationship or recognize a toxic one. This is a tragic situation. Hopefully there will be lessons learned that will prevent this from every happening again.
Shelly
2021-09-20 02:09:35 +0000 UTCReally interesting, thank you! He reminds me so much of a boyfriend I had in college, who was so controlling and dismissive of me. To add to the evidence of Brian being controlling, here is an interesting interview with Gabbyâs friend, who said the same thing about him: https://nypost.com/2021/09/17/brian-laundrie-was-controlling-had-episodes-gabby-petito-pal/
Stacie
2021-09-20 01:40:31 +0000 UTCThis was really eye opening. Thank you!
Jamye Alexandra
2021-09-20 01:25:04 +0000 UTCThanks for burning the midnight oil on this. It is so helpful to have both of you break it down with what you see as itâs happening. I agree, more compassion, empathy during conflict is better than walking away and would hopefully thwart any problems in the first place. We all have so much to learn. Gabby may not have been completely innocent but what Brian did to her, to illicit her response is abuse. He better hope the police find him before anyone else.
ShaRee
2021-09-19 23:08:51 +0000 UTCHi Debi, thanks for this question. It's a difficult one that would require a complex answer. I will try to keep this answer to Gabby's case. I believe that if she had disclosed a prior history of violence with Brian- which would have been a major risk because it could have perpetuated future violence in the relationship- the police officers would have had the ability to place the current altercation within the context of a history of previous violence. Such a disclosure may have allowed them to see that she was not the aggressor, but responding in a familiar way to a history of past violence. I think they may have been more likely to hold Brian accountable under such circumstances- and perhaps to have dug deeper into his story and the circumstances of their conflict. Most females like Gabby do not disclose such past violence, however, because they understand that if they want to remain in the relationship they will have to face the wrath of their abusers, which may include additional violence. It becomes a very difficult, if not untenable, situation for many victims of domestic violence until they decide to leave or end the relationship. Thanks for the question, Dr. John
Lauren and John Matthias
2021-09-19 23:03:53 +0000 UTCHi Shelly, thanks for this feedback. We could not spend more time discussing Gabby because she was not featured in the footage as much as Brian. The police appeared to determine that she was the aggressor early in their investigation, so they directed their attention towards Brian to decide the best course of action to resolve the conflict. It's true that they both lived in the van- and, therefore, shared some ownership of it- but that was not the problem we addressed. The problem was that Brian had taken the keys and locked Gabby out of the van during an early morning fight against her will. He demanded that she "calm down" and "walk away" until her demeanor changed- and he used the van as the leverage to control her behavior. Such behavior is a type of coercive control common in domestic abuse and not in the least sensitive to her wishes. Perhaps she might have agreed to rest in the back of the van until she was "calm." Perhaps she might have found some comfort in just sitting in the passenger seat alone while he "walked away" until the situation calmed down. Either way, she would have had some voice in the matter and some control over the situation. She did not. He locked the van. He took the keys. He demanded that she "calm down"- a request that most adults would find condescending, parental and dismissive of her wishes. He exerted complete control over the situation in the manner that he believed would serve his interests. Title was irrelevant in that moment, but control and dismissiveness were not. As for "walking away," I have worked with abusive men for decades and such a strategy is only relevant when someone recognizes that violence might become a problem they cannot control. Violent offenders, in particular, are encouraged to walk away because they recognize they might escalate their behaviors, which could lead to potential aggression. The key is recognition- not coercion of others. Brian has no awareness that he is forcing Gabby to act in a particular way to get the outcome he desires, which is her compliance and "calming down." She does not choose to walk away, nor, as the police point out, does she ever pose any significant risk of violence to him. He wants her to walk away, but he has no desire to walk away himself. He just wants her compliance. The walking away you mention is only relevant when someone has the self-awareness to recognize that their behaviors might become a threat to someone else- they must recognize, at the very least, that they are becoming angry, for example. When they lack that awareness the result is usually an attempt to coerce or control the situation even further, even if that means swaying police officers ("But officers she pushed my buttons," is a common refrain). Walking away should not be seen as an immediate solution- it is a secondary step to increased self-awareness, which Brian does not demonstrate in their interactions. Anger management classes begin with the proposition of increased self-awareness and self-control, but then revert to walking away when cognitive and emotional controls fail. Locking someone out of their home against their will is a type of coercive violence, which fuels much of the conflict between Brian and Gabby. I do agree with you that zero violence should be the goal. Even if Gabby's violence is reactive, it is still unnecessary unless she is struggling for her life. She, too, would have benefitted from greater self-awareness during their altercation. Rather than teaching simply walking away from conflict perhaps the goal should be to learn empathy, compassion and enhanced self-awareness in highly conflictual situations so that we develop people who have the resilience to avoid creating and perpetuating violent conflict altogether (one can only dream). Walking away is merely a band aid applied to a much more complex problem- and certainly not "coercive walking away." Gabby was forced to walk away, but she fought back so she would not be abandoned. I hope she is still alive and this was all a terrible misunderstanding, but Brian's behaviors and refusal to talk certainly suggest otherwise. So much for walking away as a panacea for a "whole generation..in trouble." Brian may have walked away, but not in a benign, mutual and loving way- not in Moab and not now. Domestic violence is a centuries old problem, but I can only hope that future generations will do much better. Best, Dr. John
Lauren and John Matthias
2021-09-19 22:23:22 +0000 UTCI'm a big fan of Hidden but this surprised me. Allot of good points about him but not much about her. If you leave across country with your significant other and agree to live in her van is it not their home? Neither should be throwing title down. Also, in classrooms and playground all around this country the message is walk away and distance yourself. Zero violence will be tolerated. That is also the core of what is taught in anger management classes. Walk away - take a break - do not react violently. If that's the wrong path then we have a whole generation that is in trouble.
Shelly
2021-09-19 15:52:23 +0000 UTCI had to stop and take a pause of this insightful viewing of the body cam footage I was so enraged. In addition to misogyny, I also saw the stigma of mental illness - they dismissed her when she used the term OCD and then the first cop essentially lied to the other cop and said she was hyperventilating the whole time - he had to interrupt his colleague's own talk with Gabby to make sure he was also dismissive of her. Biases aside, I think the cops were trying to be helpful by being relatable and not railroading them to charges (which might have been the best thing if she had to call someone for help), but their lack of preparedness to deal with mental health and the intricacies of domestic abuse put them at a disadvantage in protecting Gabby - it's totally understandable but unfortunate. I still want to punch the the cowardly manipulator in the face and, uh, other parts.
LauraK
2021-09-19 15:43:28 +0000 UTCQuestion for John: what can a woman do when she is treated as the guilty party by the police? What can she do to prove herself when theyâve already made their mind up? Not just women, this happens to minorities too. We could go down a rabbit hole on this but clearly thereâs a problem.
Debi
2021-09-18 23:09:59 +0000 UTCThe âlife coachingâ by the officer (âmy ex wife,,,â) was putting the blame on Gabby. I think he was projecting his problems on Gabby. His questioning of her was aggressive in tone compared to his buddy-buddy compassion for Brian. I have to wonder if the officerâs issues with his ex wife were because of his own aggressive behavior???? Clearly, he doesnât understand coercion or perhaps he is also a perpetrator of coercive controlâŚ? That is a damning question but a fair one. Iâve seen this behavior in my 68 years, It has been acceptable male behavior (fathers, brothers et al) to exert control over women (and other âlessersâ) and it is still occurring. I donât know any woman who has not been affected by that behavior.
Debi
2021-09-18 22:55:54 +0000 UTCNomadic Statik is her youtube
Tracy
2021-09-18 22:55:53 +0000 UTCIâm curious if you and John have watched her only YouTube vlog? I watched before any of the police videos came out. As a DV survivor there were 2 places on the vlog that immediately sent my DV senses into high alert. 1. She is sitting on the van bed and her eyes look swolllen as if she had cried either the night before or earlier that morning, and a part she was talking and quickly looked back towards him like she might get in trouble. I know those feelings all to well.
Tracy
2021-09-18 22:51:05 +0000 UTCThanks for the thoughtful analysis. And thanks for the help line number too!
Roberta S Treacy
2021-09-18 19:19:59 +0000 UTCLauren, the audio cleanup you did was so very helpful as well Dr. John's informed and Inferential comments. Thank you both for spending the late hour putting this together. You may have already read this interview with Gabby's BF where it seems the dailymail.co.uk had heard to Dr, John's insights on the body cam footage and recognized Brian's jealousy and control issues: shorturl.at/bmqJQ Looking forward to more of your discussion on the remaining portion of the video.
Mark
2021-09-18 18:10:27 +0000 UTCI watched Dr. Johnâs interview last night and appreciated his insight. He expertly contradicted the interviewerâs remarks. The term âhystericalâ and other language the (female) interviewer used to describe Gabby was appalling. That particular network has a reputation for itâs lack of empathy and stereotyping. The âjournalistâ clearly was not objective and interjected her own opinions of Gabby as though they were factual. Wow! Dr John, Wow!!!!
Debi
2021-09-18 17:42:27 +0000 UTCThe police talking about an ex wife and the other officer talking about his wifeâs medsâyikes! The officerâs responses to the incident are indicative of a larger societal problem: toxic masculinity and mansplaining. Explaining her fear as âemotionalâ, not addressing Brianâs aggressive move of grabbing Gabbyâs chin, police advising her to âtake a hot showerâ. I was so angry watching this video. My first thought was: how would the authorities have treated them if they were persons of color or unattractive? The officers clearly saw themselves in this scenario and commiserated with Brian.
Debi
2021-09-18 17:28:08 +0000 UTCWow, you caught things I hadnât noticed before! The grabbing and shaking of the face, and how that is so similar to choking! I hadnât noticed from the initial clips I had seen how dismissive he was being. Also I had totally missed that the reason she had been hitting him was to get him to pull over for the police! Wow that puts a totally different spin on it for me.
CuriousinColorado
2021-09-18 16:42:33 +0000 UTCThis video is enraging. This is the classic male empathy. Edit HIMPATHY (just remembered the word) Look how easily his buddy buddy act âcharmsâ them into assuming that heâs the super logical reasonable victim.
Joanna Mulvaney
2021-09-18 16:03:47 +0000 UTCDr John once again has given us great insight on what to look at and beyond. To all females; THIS is an abusive relationshipâŚRUN, donât walk away from guys that do not respect you, it could save you life and at a minimum your self esteem.
RobynB
2021-09-18 14:18:09 +0000 UTCThis is my first hearing of Gabby being missing. I think we all are probably thinking the same thing. They need to round up Brian and drill down on where exactly he left Gabby and return her to her family.
RobynB
2021-09-18 14:15:18 +0000 UTCIâd like to hear from any former girlfriends that he has. Iâve had two relationships in my past that were very emotionally abusive and this video reminds me so much of them. The reactive violence bit in particular. One ex would just hound me and his intent was to get me to put my hands on him. I can totally see her panicking when he sped up with the cops behind them and not intentionally trying to hurt him but get him to stop. I wouldnât be surprised if the whole blogging adventure was his idea initially and then he was making the experience unbearable. Itâs the ultimate way to isolate someone. The way Gabby talked about herself sounded like she was repeating the way he talked to her. I bet he called her OCD and crazy while simultaneously doing thing to upset her like his stupid barefoot hiking to bring dirty feet into her van/home. I think that he abandoned her somewhere where she couldnât possibly get to safety on her own or he strangled and discarded her.
Lauren Rencher
2021-09-18 14:03:06 +0000 UTCIâm getting ready to watch this now. Pretty sure itâs going to make me cry. The Bodycam is so troubling.
Chris
2021-09-18 13:21:54 +0000 UTCIt's amazing how dr. John explains all the nuances which allows us to see more. I felt the same way that he was full of excrement. Why is it you just don't believe some people. Love being a patreon. Stephanie
Stephanie Stewart
2021-09-18 12:41:49 +0000 UTC
