Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Make Love, Not War

Bard’s Big Fucking Bestiary: The Kraken

The first thing to know about the mighty kraken is that it is not a dumb brute. On the contrary, these legendary love machines of the briny blue are erudite, well-versed in matters of arcane lore, and surprisingly shy. Just as dragonkind claim vast swaths of sky and mountaintop for their territories, the lords of the deep command subaquatic domains that may span hundreds or even thousands of leagues. It is therefore one of the great ironies of nature that, left alone in such a massive expanse of empty water, krakens still get thirsty as hell.

Seduction

As an adventurous lover in pursuit of the ocean’s biggest game, you must first locate the object of your affections. The usual process of hanging about in seaside taverns, listening to old whaler stories, and signing on to the crew of a merchant vessel can feel disconcertingly like setting out on an aquatic adventure. As we discussed in “Chapter 2: Laying and Slaying,” you must take pains to differentiate yourself from those short-sighted oafs who would choose, as it were, booty over booty.

If you style yourself a gentleman adventurer, it is preferable to charter your own vessel, lather its hull in precious ambergris, and toss assorted golden baubles, magical brikabrak, and stowaways overboard. Everyone loves to receive gifts, and your tentacular paramour to-be is no exception.

If you are more of a rakish scoundrel (like yours truly), then your options are more limited. I recommend stowing away aboard a gentleman adventurer’s pleasure ship. When you are tossed overboard and faced with a sudden opportunity for an actinal tryst, you will have no choice but to sink or swim.

Love Making

In the heat of the moment, do not forget the basics. Unless you’ve lucked into an uncommonly accommodating cephalopod, you will need some method of breathing underwater. You will also want to bring plenty of oil-based lubricant. Being gargantuan monstrosities, krakens’ limbs grow uncommonly thick. And as you strive to be a generous lover, you should expect to take more than just the tip.

On the subject of limbs, the typical kraken has eight tentacles and two arms. The typical reader of this bestiary, being presumably humanoid, has considerably fewer orifices. You may therefore consider kraken courting as a group encounter. Of course, finding a full party willing to undertake the adventure can be every bit as difficult as finding a kraken. My recommendation is to lie thoroughly and well, and generally to choose partymates with high Constitution scores. The poor gullible idiots will need those scores if they get stuck astride one of those arms.

Romance

An old favorite from the College of Lore playbook is the “Art of Love'' maneuver. Traditionally this technique involves a bit of canvas, a bit of body paint, and a certain willingness to spend multiple hours washing ones nether regions after the great work is completed. I’ve kept one such novelty hung above my bed for some years now, and I never fail to marvel at the telltale imprint of a breast here or a pair of buttocks there hidden amidst the swirl of tasteful abstraction.

No doubt, being reminded of this maneuver, the more imaginative among my readership are contemplating the application of sailcloth and squid ink to commemorate an epic encounter. DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE. I will remind you first that ship’s sails are impractical to hang in one’s boudoir, and secondly that kraken ink is fucking poisonous.

If you wish for your hard-won relationship to bloom from one-time rendezvous to full-on courtship, get your kraken what they really want. Volunteer to serve as a spy amongst the land dwellers. See if you can’t lay claim to an abandoned aboleth city on the side of some subaquatic rift. (The silly things are a copper piece for a dozen of course, but it’s the thought that counts.) Or if you really want to impress your squidamour, consider reminding them of their advanced age. Though somewhat counterintuitive to us perpetually 29-year-old surface dwellers, krakens take great pride in their long centuries of life. Commissioning an elaborate golden crown (preferably forged at an undersea vent) will beautifully compliment your kraken’s age striations, showing all the world that ancient can be sexy.