Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Blood Orgy

Is a wolf whistle appropriate, or is that a little too on-the-nose? Just sayin’, if I had a rack like that I’d want to show it off too.

Any dang way, I hope it comes as no surprise that Miss Gestalt’s office is a torture chamber. When you’re BBEG’s second-in-command, the work is all about getting your hands / claws / talons dirty. Evil lieutenant is a demanding position, and the stresses of the job demand a pressure valve. Therefore, if the stresses of your job include being her pressure valve, you’re going to want to tread very carefully indeed. So as a service to all you merry minstrels out there, we now bring you the very latest in our ongoing series....

Bard’s Big Fucking Bestiary: Vampire Werewolves

On a fundamental level, vampires and werewolves are predators. They are driven by insatiable hunger, primitive bloodlust, and a desire to dominate. That’s all well and good if we’re talking about bedroom dynamics (remember that the rough stuff nets you a surcharge!). But if you’ve activated the more literal version of your client’s prey drive, you’re in for a very long night. The trick with vampire-werewolves is to play their dual natures against another. Keep the wolf chasing the bat, and you may just live to see the sunrise. 

Seduction

If you wish to attract the attention of an abomination, dressing the part is essential. A reversible black cap / red riding hood is both flattering and fashionable. Your scent is equally important, as it will usually be your first point of contact with the client. Find a perfumist willing to concoct a bespoke blend. I have had excellent luck combining equal parts Type O+ and Purina One, while Eau de Beggin’ Strips proved overpowering. 

As for what not to wear, you will want to avoid ostentatious jewelry. For example, silver chokers and religious pendants are both tacky and inelegant. Do not misunderstand: As a professional, you will of course want to carry protection. But displaying such precaution upon one’s literal sleeve is unnecessary. Concentrate first upon doing your job well. Please the client, and you will have no reason to waste your precious move action retrieving garlic spray or dog whistles from your pack. 

Love Making

Stretch beforehand. This is going to be an aerobic undertaking, and you do not want to cramp up at an inopportune moment. 

The real trick with a vampire-werewolf is knowing when to run and when to cower. You see, the wolf wants to chase while the vampire wants to stalk. This necessitates a peculiar form of foreplay that I term the “stop-and-start.” Begin by clearing a space in the boudoir, forming a sort of indoor track around the bed. You must sprint to an apparent dead end, breathe heavily for a three-count as the client floats menacingly toward you, and then sprint again. 

Once you allow yourself to be caught, the “stop-and-start” begins all over again, only in altered form. You must go limp at first. Give them your best swoon: lips slightly parted, eyes glazed, neck arched just so. When you feel hot breath upon your jugular, switch modes immediately. Growl and snarl. Claw feverishly at your partner. Break any nearby furniture in animalistic passion. By the time you’ve worked the wolf into a frenzy, return to your swoon, thus reactivating the aristocratic blood-sucker. Repeat as necessary until dawn. 

Romance

Be wary of long-term entanglements. Just as vampires collect “brides,” werewolves seek to expand and grow their pack. Even if the money is good, it is not worth tripping over your own veil while running about the local haunted forest on all fours. It’s murder on your manicure in the first place, and any profits are usually eaten up on replacement garters and bouquets.