Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Hot Springs of the Gratuitous Nymph - A Rogue Attraction

From the Pages of Spelle Magazine, v. 17, pp 18-20

Is your Sense Motive trying to tell you something? Do you think there’s a personal drama subplot brewing in your party? Do you want to know if your flanking partner is—ahem—flanking with the serving staff? Then look no farther than our list of 11 Signs Your S.O. Is Cheating on You.

While our list of warning signs are supported by relationship coaches from across the spectrum of alignments and demiplanes, you should proceed with caution. If you go down this list and check off multiple items, then there’s a high chance of infidelity. But if you can only say “yes” to one or two signs, then you should take a deep breath, examine your own feelings, and begin making paranoid accusations. Invading your partner’s privacy is the only way you’ll uncover the rest of the clues that are almost certainly there. Remember: obsessive paranoia is the only way to show that you care.

1. Dropped Calls — Let’s be real here ladies. Who’s too busy to answer a sending? If that crystal ball is mysteriously cloudy for long periods, and if it’s for no good reason, it could indicate cheating. That goes double if your partner is usually very responsive to your long-distance Persuasion checks.
   
2. Unfamiliar Moves in the Bedroom — What do you think is more likely? Your lover has been taking notes while watching the All Nymph channel on the magic mirror, or they’ve picked up that new move from a random encounter? Remember: One new trick is a pleasant surprise. A bunch of new tricks is grounds for interrogation.
   
3. Guards and Wards — It’s never a bad idea to put a little security on that Scry-Phone. But if there’s suddenly a new passward, and if they keep making excuses about sharing it (“I forgot the activation phrase… I need to reset it… I’ll let you know when it’s fixed…”) then you need to start looking for other signs of infidelity.
   
4. Note Passing — It may be commonplace in your guild to pass notes. That’s how private business transpires without taking too much attention away from adventuring. But if there’s a sudden flurry of paper, and if it’s coming from the direction of your lover, you’re well within your rights to leap across the table and demand an explanation.
   
5. Unfounded Affection — This may sound counterintuitive, but if your S.O. is suspiciously nice to you, it’s a sure sign of infidelity. Think about it. You’ve been having arguments lately. You’re both annoyed, and now he is being all apologetic for no reason. That’s because he’s guilty. A damn, guilty cheater.
   
6. I’m Tired Tonight — You are an irresistable sex machine. Your Charisma is through the roof. If they’re suddenly disinterested in sex, that’s because they’re getting sex from someplace else. Remember: guys don’t get headaches. They get mistresses.
   
7. Superfreaky — Especially perverse cheaters will let the excitement of the affair spill over into your relationship. In other words, if you’re suddenly having more sex, that could also be a sign. If you’re making stamina checks in the bedroom, you should be making Investigation checks too.
   
8. Sudden Changes in Schedule — Have you ever heard this one before? “Sorry. I can’t make tonight’s session. Something came up at work.” Our experts say that, 99% of the time, that’s a damned dirty lie. They’re obviously “adventuring” with someone else.
   
9. Snappy Dressing — Once you settle into your relationship, it’s only natural to start paying less attention to your wardrobe and your looks. You’re comfortable with each other, right? No need to buy new clothes and take extra time getting ready in the morning. And if they are, it’s because they’re up to something.
   
10. Polymorph — When you’re dating a magic-user, it’s only natural to be curious about their arcane abilities. It shouldn’t be too hard to get a peek inside a spell book. And when you do, keep an eye out for transmutation spells. If you spot so much as a disguise self, it’s a sure sign they’re philandering with a false mustache.
    
11. You Begin Feeling Jealous — Trust your gut. You wouldn’t be feeling this way if there was nothing there, would you? WOULD YOU!?